


Living Lies and Lust

by Anonymous



Series: Lies and Lust [1]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Because It happens unfortunately, Developing Relationship, Dubious Consent, FSSW, Gen, I don't know who needs to be told this but sex workers are people and should be asked consent, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Full Service Sex Work, No this is not a captain save a ho story, None of the tags about assault or dubcon are about TK and Carlos Together, Not this offensive disrespectful bullshit, Original Character(s), Past Drug Addiction, Sex Work, Sexual Assault, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Written by an actual sex worker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:15:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 52,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26193997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: This is not the stripper!AU you're used to.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Iris Blake & Carlos Reyes, Michelle Blake & Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star)
Series: Lies and Lust [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2112393
Comments: 227
Kudos: 192
Collections: Anonymous Fics





	1. Sex and Stardust

**Author's Note:**

> So the Lone Star fandom has actually NOT been horrible with depictions of sex work, but there was a couple months where every single fic in the 9-1-1 fandom had gross depictions or references to sex work that I just gave up reading/writing in the fandom.
> 
> If you read this and use the information to write gross exploitive fic, I will 100% call you out if I notice it.
> 
> It is impossible to fully represent the full gamibt of sex workers. There are so many different ways to do sex work and everyone is comfortable with different things. (For example, online sex work is not for me and it freaks me out which is why I've been out of the business for months and far enough removed to have the mental capacity to write this.) I don't really have to *try* to include a diverse sample because that happens naturally, but this not meant to represent all opinions or feelings of sex workers. It's a fan fiction, not a memior or educational study.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Austin doesn’t really have a male strip club. They do have revues, but those are different and don’t generally have champagne rooms. It’s possible that Owen didn’t know this, and Mateo just went looking and didn’t find one and got lost and confused. That’s the story I’m going with for the club in the show because it seems like the club in the episode was more of a revue-style club. I’ll add more notes on the locations I’m using for this fic as it’s relevant.

Strip clubs have never been TK’s thing. They’re expensive if you’re not an asshole, and guys are just as likely to be half-naked at a gay bar. And even in Austin, he’s had no trouble hooking up on Grindr so there’s isn’t a point in paying for it. If anything, it’s been easier than normal to hook up with an endless string of hot men in the south where he suspects half of them are back in the closet by the time he’s put on his pants.

Not that TK judges his father when he mentions knowing there’s always something going on in the champagne room. Just because TK doesn’t want to pay for it, doesn’t mean he begrudges anyone for doing their jobs or people for using their services. It just means that TK hasn’t spent much time in strip clubs himself. Most of what he knows comes from stories other guys have told at the station or things he’s seen on TV. The only strip club he’s ever been in was for a bachelor party. His dad had given him $500 and told him, “You don’t go to strip club and not pay the dancers even if it just means tipping them to talk to you. It’s like going to a restaurant and not tipping the waitress just because someone else brought you to a restaurant that wasn’t your style. If that means you tip different women twenty dollars all night to leave you alone, then that’s what you do. They pay the club even if they don’t make money, and it’s a bad economy. If you waste their time, you’re literally making them work for free even if they don’t take anything off.”

TK doesn’t want to unpack exactly how his dad knew so many details, but he could understand the logic. Paying a girl to protect him from awkward interactions seemed like a pleasant deal for both of them. She said it was a relief to not have to spend all night hiding that all her drinks were really water. TK might not have told anyone at work that he’s an addict, but he can’t imagine a job where he had to actively pretend to be intoxicated while maintaining his sobriety.

But all that means that he’s never become too familiar with strip clubs. This one definitely caters to women, but it seems like the crowd is just as bad as some of the men that he witnessed before. EMS shows up shortly after they finally separate the two women who are joined at the tiara.

“See if there’s anyone else in the crowd you can help and if there’s not, make sure the probie didn’t get lost up there,” his dad tells him.

Most of the crowd seems to be only annoyed and drunk. Paul is clearly fine and looks like he might even begrudge TK for interrupting. Marjan is across the club looking for a new person to help in the crowd. TK is about to turn to the curtained off area in the back of the club when a shirtless man in a firefighter costume comes up and grabs his arm.

“Can you help my friend? He’s bleeding and he doesn’t want to come out because he doesn’t have insurance. The paramedic who usually helps us for free isn’t answering her phone because she’s probably on a call. It’s bleeding a lot. We can get some cash together.”

TK glances at his dad. He’s still occupied with EMS. It’s won’t be the first time TK’s skirted the rules to help someone. It’s not like he didn’t learn it from his dad.

“Don’t worry about it. Where is he?”

TK is led to another door in the back of the club and up a staircase into a locker room that has clearly seen better days. The man who brought him clears the small crowd of dancers from around a shirtless man in a chair holding a towel to his forehead that looks like it might not have been clean even before it was soaked in blood.

“Reese, no,” the man says even though there are tears in his eyes.

“Baby, you’re bleeding too much,” Reese says. “Let him help you.”

TK sits in an empty chair next to the man.

“Hey. Don’t worry about the money. Just let me help you.”

Still, the man pushes TK’s hand away.

“I’m turning down medical help.”

It’s not the first time TK’s hated the healthcare system. It’s not going to be the last.

“If the captain tries to make me fill out paperwork for you, I’ll put up a fight about it. He’s my dad. He’s not going to fire me. It’s totally unfair and I realize that, but so is everything about this. Just let me see, okay?”

The man meets his eyes and TK pleads silently that he will see how much TK just wants to help. He must see something good because he finally gives TK a tiny nod.

“I’m TK,” TK says as he puts on clean gloves and finds the supplies he needs. He finds that people are more comfortable being poked and prodded at if they feel like he cares about them as people. This man flinches and tenses at TK’s touch even though TK tries to be as gentle as he can. “What’s your name?”

The man hesitates and TK backtracks. “It’s okay. Habit. I usually learn people’s names to make them more comfortable, but you don’t need to answer that. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Broken bottle,” the man says.

“He was blocking me from getting hit with it,” Reese says. “Because half the time they don’t even notice we’re _people_ and not just _bodies_.”

“It’s part of the job. It kind of _is_ the job,” one of the other men says.

“Until someone gets hit with a broken bottle,” Reese says back.

It gets a small smile out of the man TK’s working on. Thankfully, it’s like a lot of head wounds and the bleeding is making it look worse than it is. Now that the bleeding has slowed it’s not that bad.

“It doesn’t look like you need stitches, so you should be fine if I fix you up here. But if you have services that you usually use, you might want to have someone check how you’re healing.”

“My friend will look at it when she gets my message,” the man says as TK finishes cleaning and disinfecting the wound.

“Good,” TK says as his radio goes off to ask where he is.

“Just finishing up,” TK says into the radio.

“Are you going to get in trouble for this?”

“Don’t worry about it. My dad is a softie. I’ll get away with it. I don’t think anyone on my crew will even be mad about me taking advantage of being his son for this if they find out,” TK says as he finishes bandaging the wound and strips off his gloves.

“Try to keep it dry for at least twenty-four hours. If you think it might be infected, and your friend can’t help, our EMS captain works with an organization that helps people who need it even if they don’t have insurance,” TK says. He’s glad he hasn’t run out of the cards Michelle gave everyone so that he can give one to his patient. After a second, he takes out a few extras and leaves them on the dressing room counter.

“I’ll call her if I need to,” the man says with a smile TK wasn’t expecting.

***

TK’s not surprised to get called into his father’s office when they have downtime in the morning. He has time unaccounted for, and he knows that.

“So, you want to explain to me why you said you were finishing something up and then said that you didn’t actually find anyone else to help?” his dad asks. “Also, keep in mind that I saw you come out of the entertainer dressing room.”

“Someone had a cut on his head. It was bleeding a lot. He wanted to refuse medical attention because he didn’t have insurance.” It’s not a lie.

“So, you had him sign off on that? Because I don’t have that paperwork.”

TK looks at him and doesn’t answer.

“We do have programs to offer them,” his dad says eventually.

“He wasn’t going to let me help him. He was bleeding a lot.” And he was crying and scared, TK leaves out. He’s worked with people who didn’t see their patients as humans. More importantly, he’s had people work on him who he was sure never cared about helping for any reason other than that it was their job. People who saw an addict instead of a person. Who couldn’t treat him like something other than a body with a problem when he was vulnerable and dependent on their help. He’s never going to be like that.

His dad nods.

“Next time you disappear and don’t find anyone to work on, don’t take a bathroom break without letting someone know. That’s the story I’m going with if I get asked.”

***

TK was expecting his dad to call him out. He was even worried that someone on his crew would note him disappearing into the dressing room of a male strip club and draw different conclusions. He’s not expecting Michelle to pull him aside and hug him.

“You know, I think maybe I didn’t give either you or your dad enough credit,” Michelle says when she pulls back.

“I’m just very confused right now,” TK says.

“For the record,” Michelle says. “I think he regrets not telling you his name.”

“You’re his friend who he was trying to call,” TK says. It makes sense why he smiled after TK gave him Michelle’s card.

“I was on another call,” Michelle says with a sigh. “Thank you for getting him to let you take care of him. I honestly can’t believe you managed that. When I got his first message half an hour after he sent it, I was ready to rush over there in case he was bleeding out, because he _would_ let that happen.”

“He’s okay, right?”

“He’s fine. You did a perfect job. He’s maybe getting a little dreamy over the firefighter who patched him up because he definitely forgets most names of the people that he meets on purpose, but he remembered yours,” Michelle says with a smile.

TK can’t help smiling. He didn’t consider it at the time because he just wanted to help, but he has eyes.

“Of course, he’s my friend, so I’m not introducing you unless you’re over your string of endless hookups. Don’t go to the club to see him. It’ll break his heart to make you a client, and he’ll do it even if he knows that.”

“I’m not really dating right now. I kind of had a really horrible end to my last relationship,” TK says because it’s true and he’s not looking to make a mess for himself at work. “But I won’t go see him if it’ll upset him. If I went, I’d just go to check that his cut was healing okay. I wasn’t sure he really had a friend that would look at it. Strip clubs aren’t really my thing anyway—not that I’d judge him. I’m not.”

“It’s okay,” Michelle says before he can totally put his foot in his mouth. “They’re not for a lot of people. As long as that just means you don’t go to them anyway and act like a dick, it’s fine.”

“I don’t. I’m just…I’m glad he’s okay,” TK says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that some strippers say they aren’t sex workers. I don’t agree with that. I also don’t find the word stripper offensive. Because I’m also a trained dancer and also teach and take gigs as a dancer, I find it weird to say “dancer” when I’m talking about being a stripper because I’m both, but different people have different opinions. I file my taxes as a Dancer just so I can save myself a few hours of work and smash my stripper work and dance gigs together because it's really all independant contractor self-employment.
> 
> I love comments. I'll reply to any of them. :)


	2. All my friends are heathens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put some extra notes that include chapter content warnings in the bottom note.

When Carlos dropped out of the police academy, he didn’t have a plan. He just knew he couldn’t do it. He knew going in that it would be hard. He knew he’d be fighting against a broken system.

He didn’t realize the broken system started at the academy. He naively thought it was possible to get through the academy with his morals intact. In retrospect, he should’ve been suspicious the second that he learned the training program was less than a year.

At the time, applying to be a bouncer at every available bar seemed like a plan. When the hiring manager at Reveal Revue looked at him and said, “You know you’ll make a lot more on stage,” Carlos said he wasn’t interested.

But after two weeks, it was obvious that it was true. And he had to pay off loans he’d taken out for a career that ended before it started. He could use the money. So, he became Alejandro.

Then one of the guys told him, “Women are never going to pay like men. If you’re chill with guys, The Lucky Cowboy is a lot better money.”

Stupidly, Carlos considered that he liked men so it would be better money and a lot easier. Alejandro was taken, so at the Lucky Cowboy, he became Marco.

And at first it _was_ better. He kept Saturday at Reveal because it seemed like the smart thing to do, and he started trying different nights at the Lucky Cowboy since they just cared that he showed up often enough to keep his contract. Most of the customers where men, but random straight women with no better options for a traditional strip club still wandered in from time to time. _Everyone_ expected a few free touches. The women assumed he was playing gay for the money and insisted they must be a relief. The men assumed or just realized he was gay, and also assumed he liked it. The charade only worked if Carlos pretended them were all correct. The first time someone pulled off his shorts before Carlos could stop him, he laughed it off and then made an excuse to leave. The fifth time, he asked for more money. The tenth time, he demanded more money and got it.

But mostly, it was fine. It was good money, and he was strong enough to overpower anyone how took him back to the VIP rooms. And who doesn’t want to get paid to party? He could combine the money from Reveal, his tips and dances, and be a little picky about who he took to the back room, and it wasn’t a bad way to pay the bills. The nights when the money came easy actually felt fun because nothing relieves stress like knowing you have another month of food and shelter.

Then his car broke down and when a guy offered him $1000 to hook up outside of the club, well, the guy wasn’t that bad, and he wanted Carlos to top. It wasn’t a big deal. It was a one-time thing. He liked the guy.

A year later, when the weather is so bad that Reveal cancels it’s shows for the weekend and it’s was obvious that every stripper at The Lucky Cowboy is going home with empty pockets, Tyson pulls him aside and says, “Listen, I know you do stuff outside the club sometimes too. I’m not going to tell on you, but I’ve got a thing I need another guy for if you can pretend to like a girl. She’s cool and you don’t have to do anything really crazy. It’s just this stupid white couple. I figure your name means you’re willing to reallocate funds from people into the sexy Latin stereotype. I’m the black guy, my girl’s Asian. Lexi’s mixed, but she’s our white girl because no one wants to explain to these people where Portugal is.

Anyway, they like to have these sex parties, but they really just get wasted and high. Lexi’s great at faking shit. You probably won’t have to have sex with her or anything. We might have to get with each other if the wife is feeling fetishy, but we can ask for extra for that.”

Carlos wants to say no. It’s the last week of the month. His rent needs him to say yes.

***

“Marco’s never done a party like this,” Tyson tells Lexi as soon as they meet up outside the house with Lexi and Tyson’s partner for the night, Roxy. Carlos has no idea if Tyson and Roxy are really dating. “He’s done full service by himself with guys from the club before though. He’s cool.”

Lexi looks him up and down.

“You’re sure he’s not going to fuck me over or try some weird shit?” Lexi asks. It’s fair. She’s a lot smaller than him, and they just met.

“You might have show him where your pussy is if it comes to that because I don’t think his dick’s ever been in one, but he fakes it at Reveal, so just help him out. He can handle it.”

Lexi laughs and Carlos wants to die.

“Karen couldn’t text a full sentence when she texted me. I’m going to have walk Eric through paying us all one at a time. We’re not doing that shit tonight.”

Lexi does exactly that. She talks a middle-aged balding white man through sending them each $1000 on cashapp while Tyson and Roxy feel up Eric’s wife. Then she demands a bottle of champagne that she hands to Carlos to open while she lifts up his tight shirt to run her hand over his abs.

“Relax,” Lexi whispers as she pretends to kiss behind ear. “If they’re getting too crazy, give me a look and I’ll cut in. Then you do it for me if he starts to push me. I’ll take care of you if you take care of me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Lucky Cowboy is based on a different bar in a different state where multiple friends of mine work/have worked.
> 
> **Extra warnings:** There’s some race talk in this that might be uncomfortable, but it’s accurate. It’s also let by characters of color making their own decisions about how to deal with an industry that does not treat people of color fairly. I’ve seen so many different ways of dealing with this from so many people. Honestly, the same person will put up with one thing if it means getting the money you need when it’s not coming easily and then change their mind when they have better options. It is what it is. This is a rough industry for people of color. (Yes, I know everything is.)
> 
> Sex workers who do sex work as men have very different experiences that sex workers who work as women. (On top of all the variety within each sector). Basically, I’ll never cover a fraction of what I could unless I wanted to write non-fiction and I don’t want to do that so we’re just trying to pull out a random sample. Some sex workers really are strippers that only work in the club. Some only work online or out of the club, though new laws have made that unsafe, so more workers have been moving back to clubs to find clients. Everyone has their own preferences or boundaries. Lots people cross those periodically to make ends meet. Everyone has different feelings on this. Carlos’s feelings aren’t a judgment on anyone else.


	3. Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?

**Michelle:** You better not be at work.  
 **Carlos:** Saturday night was basically lost after the cops and the paramedics showed up. Are you going to pay my bills?  
 **Michelle:** You shouldn’t be drinking until your head is healed.  
 **Carlos:** I’ll take it easy. Get some sympathy if they notice.  
 **Michelle:** It’s very noticeable.  
 **Carlos:** Half of them never really look at my face anyway.  
 **Michelle:** Text me when you’re leaving. Even if you’re not going home.  
 **Carlos:** I know.  
 **Carlos:** I’m going home. It was a decent night. Crashing. Don’t worry.  
 **Carlos:** I can’t get him out of my head. I hated everyone who touched me tonight. I never want anyone to touch me again.  
 **Carlos:** But he was so sweet and careful. I might make an exception for him.

***

**Carlos:** Please ignore my drunk text. I’m fine. It was just an exhausting room.  
 **Carlos:** Are you actually ignoring my drunk text?  
 **Carlos:** Are you okay?  
 **Carlos:** Why is your phone at the hospital? If your location doesn’t leave the hospital soon, I’m coming.  
 **Carlos:** I’m coming to the hospital if you see this.

***

Carlos isn’t thinking about anything except finding Michelle. There are times when their friendship feels so exhausting that he thinks it would be easier if he could let her drift away like so many other people, but she refuses to let that happen and that’s what makes him love her so much.

He doesn’t consider that he’ll get to the hospital and no one will even tell him if there’s a Michelle Blake being treated. They don’t care that he and Michelle always have their locations shared, and his phone says that her phone is somewhere in the hospital.

“Hey. She’s okay.”

Carlos turns toward the familiar voice and of course it’s _him_. The sweet, gentle, _beautiful_ man that Carlos hasn’t been able to stop thinking about dressed in the same uniform Carlos remembers so well.

“She wasn’t answering her texts,” Carlos explains. “We have locations turned on for our phones in case there’s an emergency.”

“There was accident with one of her patients. They’re going to keep her for observation for a few days, but they’re supposed to tell me when she’s moved to a room. My dad went to look up her emergency contact information, but she’s with my house so I stayed because we weren’t just going to leave three members of our crew here alone.”

“I’m probably her second emergency contact,” Carlos explains.

“I can tell my dad not to tell me your name if you want. I definitely won’t tell him that you’re the person I fixed up off the books. He’s pretending it didn’t happen, so I’m doing him a favor by not bringing it up.”

It’s not an offer Carlos is used to. It’s the exact opposite. He’s so used to see-sawing between the three fake names he uses that sometimes he hesitates when trying to introduce himself as Carlos. It’s so much more natural to let Marco, Alejandro, or Juan roll off his tongue.

TK probably thinks he’s lying when he stutters out, “I’m…it’s Carlos.”

TK smiles gently at him, but they’re interrupted by a nurse before he can answer. She gives TK a room number and says something Carlos doesn’t understand about needing to run more tests to determine what caused the gas that knocked Michelle and her team out.

“Come on,” TK says. “Let’s find Michelle. I’ll probably need to head back to work since you’re here.”

TK leads the way to her room, but when they get there, he steps aside to let Carlos enter first. Carlos knocks on the door, and Michelle smiles when she sees him.

“Can I come in?” Carlos asks.

“You better,” Michelle says. “They got you instead of my mom?”

“They’re probably still calling your mom. I tracked your phone when you didn’t answer my texts,” Carlos turns back to where TK’s paused inside the door. “TK saw me in the waiting room and told me what happened.”

“Guess it was good you were the one nominated to stay behind,” Michelle says to TK.

“Guess so,” TK says with a smile. “If you’re okay with him, I should check on Tim and Nancy. We’re still working on calling people for them.”

Michelle nods and tells him to go on. TK turns to Carlos, “I’m glad you’re healing up okay.”

“Looks like I did you a favor,” Michelle says as soon as TK’s gone.

Carlos groans as he sits down on her bed.

“You’re the one who said that he flat out told you that he didn’t want to date me. After I told you not to tell him I was thinking about him.” Honestly, he almost wishes Michelle had let him think TK was straight.

“I didn’t say that he wasn’t interested in _you_ ,” Michelle says. “I said that he just got out of a relationship, and it sounds like the break-up was really rough on him. He said he’s not really into dating at all right now. As far as I can tell he’s rebounding like it’s a sport and never with the same guy twice.”

“Guess I could pay him back that way if he asked,” Carlos says without thinking.

“If he let you do that, I’d kill him,” Michelle says. “You want to hook up with him? Fine. But not like that. Not when you obviously like him.”

Carlos rolls his eyes.

“I’m not judging you. I wish you’d get out and you know exactly why, and you know it’s not because I’m judging you,” Michelle says. “But you _like_ him. I wasn’t even sure you knew how to like anyone like that anymore. You know if you let it happen like that, it’ll ruin it. You’ve said that a million times yourself.”

“He’s not interested anyway so it doesn’t matter.”

“He doesn’t _know_ you, and he’s too decent to hit on a patient in a vulnerable position,” Michelle says. “If he starts to be in a better place, I’ll remind him that it’s an option.”

“He thinks that I just dance at the Reveal. I fumbled telling him my real name so much that he thinks I lied. He can get anyone he wants. He doesn’t want someone he has to share, and if he doesn’t care…” Carlos shakes his head. It’s why he doesn’t date. It’s why he knows he needs to be done. But that’s easier said than done. It’s not like he’s the only person in this economy who hates their job.

“I can fix the name thing. The rest is something you have to figure out, but maybe try being his friend because he’s not ready to date you either.”

“Why are we talking about me?” Carlos asks. “You’re in the hospital.”

Michelle sighs. When she explains what actually happened with her patient, Carlos doesn’t completely understand it, but he _does_ mean it when he says he doesn’t think she should be expected to figure out something that complicated and rare. Michelle’s good at her job. Carlos _knows_ that.

But he still can’t look at her when she talks about not knowing about the work Iris was doing. It’s not like his family knows how he pays the bills. Most of them still think he’s a bouncer at a regular dance club the same way Iris’s family thought she was a bottle service waitress. His older sister thinks he just dances at Reveal on weekends and that’s enough money to pay his bills. Some of his co-workers at the Lucky Cowboy think he just comes there to fill in the money he needs after Reveal and never takes it anywhere else. That’s the thing about stripping. It’s almost impossible to tell how much anyone actually makes because admitting to bad nights just seems to lower respect and value. There are a few guys at the club that know he might take after-hours work if they need another, and he needs the money. But even then, after hours work might just mean a strip show and lap dances at a private party. Sometimes it _does_ mean that for Carlos. One or two of Iris’s old friends will hit him up if they need a guy they can trust.

But they all know different bits of information based on what they need to know. Michelle’s learned to only ask for locations so she can find him if he doesn’t check in. Carlos has friends he’s known for five years that he’s never exchanged real names with. He’s felt up and been felt up by co-workers he doesn’t even like because that’s still always better than being fondled by a customer, and he can’t explain to anyone that hasn’t been there exactly why that is. Not that he’s ever really tried to explain it to someone not in the industry. Michelle learned to stop asking for details a long time ago. No one he’s tried to date in the last five years has lasted long enough for him to talk about it—not that most of them wanted to hear it.

Carlos still isn’t sure how Michelle doesn’t hate him for going along with Iris’s secrets until it was too late.

Maybe it’s because Carlos doesn’t know anyone else in the picture of the blue truck that Michelle hands him. Because at some point, Iris, the only person who knew all his secrets, started keeping secrets from him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked the night I had my wisdom tooth taken out to pay for it. I just contoured my swollen cheek and no one noticed it was swollen.


	4. Trust issues

**Lexi:** Tyson’s having DRAMA with Roxy. I swear, I don’t know what she was thinking when she told him that he should try dancing so he understood what it’s like. It’s not like it’s the same for you guys anyway.  
 **Lexi:** Anyway he says he trusts you. I need a bodyguard for a new guy on Thursday if you’re free. It’s $100 and dinner on him before it starts. Then $100 after it all goes okay. Probably only around 4 hours. I know it’s not a lot but if you’re not working anyway? Tyson’s been saying your club is slow too.  
 **Carlos:** I just go too dinner and then wait for you?  
 **Lexi:** You’re such a baby stripper. It’s adorable. Yeah. He’ll buy you dinner to sit at a different table or the bar while we have dinner. Then if we go back to his hotel, you chill out in the main room and play on your phone unless I call for you. I made him get a suite. I’ll give you at least $100 at the end of the night as long as you don’t let him do shit I don’t want. If it goes well, and I get a good tip or you have to fight him or something, I’ll give you extra.  
 **Carlos:** Sure. Let me know when/where you need me.

Carlos agrees half for the money. It’s not bad money considering how the club is and it’s likely to just be boring.

Also, he agrees because knows that his size makes him a lot safer when he takes clients outside of the club. As long as he keeps an eye on anything he drinks and eats, the worst that’s likely to happen to him when he sees clients outside of the club is that he gets talked into doing something he doesn’t really want and drinks more to get through it. He’s never felt like he had to give up some of his own money to make sure he’s safe. And Lexi kept her word at the party. Carlos never had to kiss anyone besides Lexi and Tyson and the most he had to do was pretend to be interested in feeling up Lexi’s and their client’s boobs. After the couple passed out, they raided the fully stocked kitchen, and then Lexi woke the man up just long enough to get another $400 in hundreds that they split. For parts of it, Carlos actually had _fun_. There’s something about knowing his rent is paid that makes it easier to feel like it’s just a party.

Lexi more than took care of him at that party. He can take care of her for the promise of $200. Besides, the last time he worked at the Lucky Cowboy, he walked out with $23. He needs it to stop storming every damn night because no one in Austin wants to go out in hail.

***

Lexi texts him her address. She’s wearing a tight black dress and heels when he picks her up.

“I’ll try to make it through dinner without a bathroom break,” Lexi says. “But keep an eye on my drink if I have to go. You don’t have to make it through the whole dinner because I won’t leave without you, but just make sure we don’t overlap. I’ll go in his car to the hotel if I feel like it’ll be okay, because you know they sometimes get all weird about that shit. But I’ll give you the information and a heads up where we’re going. And you can track my phone obviously.”

Carlos nods. He accepted her follow request on the tracking app hours ago.

“Cool. He knows he’s paying you $100. I’ll give him your cashapp, and he’ll send it before dinner starts. Order whatever you want but don’t get drunk. If he tries to not pay for it, we’ll figure it out, but that’s literally never happened to me because I’m obviously not going back to the hotel if he gets weird about that.”

“We’ll deal with it if he does,” Carlos says. “I don’t want you to go to the hotel if you don’t want to.”

“You’re sweet,” Lexi says. “I knew I got a good vibe from you.”

***

Dinner is both boring and ridiculous. Carlos doesn’t understand how he orders $120 worth of food and he’s still hungry. All the portions are tiny. What is wrong with rich people? Who gets full on five raviolis the size quarters? Why do they cost $45? He’s going to have to eat again when he gets home. When Lexi goes to the bathroom, the man she’s sitting with gets up and comes to his table.

“Listen. I’ll give you another two hundred dollars now,” he says. “You don’t have to stay at the hotel until she leaves. I’m not going to do anything bad to her, but it’s just awkward to have you waiting for her.”

“That’s up to her,” Carlos says. Now he realizes why Lexi feels the need to promise him extra at the end of the night.

The man rolls his eyes, but he goes back to the table.

**Carlos:** He just offered me $200 to ditch you after you’re at the hotel. You shouldn’t go back with him.  
 **Lexi:** Of course he did. As long as you’re not going to ditch me, I think it’ll be fine. He’s just doing the whole, “I hate feeling like you’re only doing this because I’m paying you” bullshit. I can handle it.  
 **Carlos:** I’m not going to ditch you.  
 **Lexi:** I got that when you told on him. It’ll be ok. 😘  
 **Carlos:** Ok.

***

When Carlos gets the check for his dinner, Lexi walks over to get it and brings it back after the man puts cash in the envelope. Carlos peaks at the bills and adds twenty dollars to make up for the bad tip.

He follows Lexi back to the hotel and goes upstairs with them.

“I’m ordering room service because I’m still hungry,” Lexi says in the elevator. “I’ll order something extra for you. Are you allergic to anything?”

Carlos just shakes his head.

Lexi disappears to into the bedroom but comes out in her bra after Carlos has brought in the room service. She leaves Carlos a flatbread pizza and takes the rest of the cart after raiding the minibar.

Nothing happens in the hour Carlos eats and plays on his phone. He can hear noises and voices often enough that he doesn’t feel like he needs to bust in the room. Eventually, Lexi comes back with her hair tied back and her dress on.

“He’s passing out. We’re good to go,” Lexi says as she goes to the minibar and takes out two bottles of water. She hands one to Carlos when he gets up.  
In the car, she hands him $300 in hundreds.

“Okay. I have a confession,” Lexi says. “This was kind of a test.”

“What?” Carlos isn’t complaining. He’s getting $400 total instead of $200.

“Tyson’s been a mess. That guy has been a client for a while. He’s actually easy. I don’t even really need a bodyguard for him. But I needed to know if you’d take his $200. He was willing to go along with it to help me test you because it’s spare change to him and I think he actually does care about me as a person. Anyway, you don’t have to feel bad about the extra. That’s what he knew you were getting if you didn’t let him pay you off. Honestly, he’s kind of into the game and hearing about how I work.”

It takes a Carlos a second to process.

“Are you mad?” Lexi asks.

“It’s really shitty that you have to waste money just test that,” Carlos says. Because he gets it. Just because he knows he’d never let some guy pay him off doesn’t mean they both don’t know how the business can be.

“It’s the way it is,” Lexi says. “Anyway, Tyson really wasn’t available tonight, but he doesn’t know it was a test. He got drunk last time, so if you want more money next time I have a chance, I’ll text you next time I need someone, but it’s not always going to be $400 for you to not do anything.”

Carlos _does_ feel a little bad for taking Tyson’s money after Tyson introduced him to Lexi. But he also thinks it’s shitty that Tyson got drunk and put his friend at risk. Plus, he could use the extra money to get him through these dead days at the club.

“Yeah. I can do that.”


	5. Pull me closer if you think you can hang

“Thanks for this,” Paul says when they finally leave the club at the end of the night. TK’s googling to try to find somewhere to get food after midnight. “I feel like I don’t always belong in gay bars, but I don’t belong in straight bars either. It’s easier when I have friends with me.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I didn’t know if it was going to be any good, and I didn’t want to go by myself.” TK puts tells his phone to give him directions and starts Paul’s car.

“So we’ve mourned my dating failure enough,” Paul says after they’re eating tacos outside that seem too good to come from a truck. “You want to tell me what’s up with you?”

“Nothing’s up with me,” TK says. “Nothing new anyway.”

“Uh huh. You’ve been drifting off into space the last couple days. One of your hookups finally got under your skin?”

TK’s not sure if the answer is better or worse.

“There’s maybe a guy. But we haven’t hooked up. I know he’s interested, but his friend told me not to go for it unless I was ready for something more than a hookup, and I’m just not there yet. And I barely know him, but I feel like he’s got a lot going on just from what she’s said. So, it’s nothing. I don’t even have his phone number or his last name. I’m not even sure he gave me his real name.”

Paul laughs at him. “This have to do with your little detour at the strip club?”

“Maybe. But it’s not like it seems.”

Paul gives him a raised eyebrow.

“It’s not!” TK says. “It’s really not. I wasn’t even thinking like that after the club thing because he was a patient. I’m totally not judging you because it wasn’t like Josie. He was scared and upset, and it was not a situation where that kind of thing was appropriate. But then Michelle knows him because of the volunteering she does, and she said he was thinking about me. And then I ran into him again when he was visiting her at the hospital. He’s sweet and _so hot_. Of course, he is. It’s his job to be that hot. But it doesn’t change anything. I’m not ready, and I don’t need Michelle to get mad at me for taking advantage of him. I have to work with her. If she says it would mess him up for me to hook up with him, then I shouldn’t do it.”

“But you like him?”

TK shrugs. “It’s something about his eyes.”

Paul laughs and TK throws his napkin at him.

***

TK doesn’t have time to worry about “Carlos” anyway. He has Mateo to worry about, and then the possibility of his dad losing his job.

And Grinder is safer than a sweet man with soft eyes that TK feels like he could lose himself in.

Then there’s the thing where he’s not actually sure he could date a stripper. It’s a job, and he gets that. He’s not judgmental. Or at least he’s always thought that he wasn’t. It’s not like he hasn’t known guys who did sex work.

But there’s not judging and there’s knowing that other people are touching someone he’s dating. It’s not cheating. It’s not like what Alex did. But TK’s not sure if he’s really okay with it or if he’s just trying to be because he knows he should be.

_And_ it doesn’t matter because he’s not dating anyone until he’s more stable. He doesn’t want to explain to _anyone_ why he has to go home to his dad at night. He’s not supposed to even be hooking up as much as he is right now, but his father knows when to pick his battles.

If those hookups are feeling so empty that he’s only going to them because it’s an alternative to buying drugs, and he spends half an hour telling his therapist about Carlos, then that’s between him and his therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted a little TK POV. I know this is tiny, so I'll get another chapter out tomorrow.


	6. You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you

Iris doesn’t feel at all guilty for having lied to Tyson. Tyson doesn’t have to give anyone a cut of his money just to make sure he doesn’t get assaulted too badly or murdered. If he wanted to keep getting paid to sit around and make sure she was safe, he should have done his job instead of getting drunk off his ass because he had a fight with Roxy.

Besides, California paid her enough that she only needs to make a couple hundred at the club and then she can study for midterms.

It would help if there were actually guys in the club.

It’s early, Iris tells herself for the millionth time. It’s early and she’s a better hustler than most of the girls at the club tonight. She’s not even close to as good as Inga, but she’s respectful and can pull her weight, so Inga won’t push her out if they end up with two guys who are friends.

Not that it matters when she realizes that Inga is leading their only customer upstairs. But that’s okay. It means Inga’s off the floor. The next guy is Iris’s.

The next guy is probably a dud, but Iris beats the other girls over to him anyway. They can hate her behind or back for it if they need to. She’s not going to steal clients from anyone else, but she’s going to fight for every chance she can.

He’s from Chicago. Ten minutes in, Chicago asks if she knows how he can party. Great. Iris thinks him for the drink and leaves him for the next girl. Maybe if he gets some drugs from someone else, it’ll be worth coming back later.

Two hours later, she’s done two dances. February sucks. It’s enough to send her up to the locker room to try to get a snack and some regulars.

**Iris:** The club is so boring. I’m going to die. Come buy me a drink?   
**Iris:** [pouting selfie]  
 **AHL:** I have a game tomorrow. I can’t go out.  
 **Iris:** It’s only 8pm.  
 **AHL:** I can get you tickets tomorrow.  
 **Iris:** I can’t go unless I make money tonight. 😿  
 **AHL:** Good luck! Let me know. We can party after the game.

*

**Iris:** All the guys in the club are boring. I miss you.  
 **Iris:** [pouting selfie]  
 **Married - white:** My wife’s home. She’s got work trip Monday-Tuesday if you’re free.  
 **Iris:** Can you take care of me a little extra? I was going to work, but I’d rather see you.  
 **Married - white:** Of course. Are we past the point of your bodyguard coming, yet?  
 **Iris:** I don’t know. My friend says that’s a bad idea. I’m sorry. I’ve just never really done this before? I never wanted to but you were different, you know?  
 **Married – white:** I know. But that guy being there made me uncomfortable. Like is he your boyfriend really?  
 **Iris:** Ugh. Honestly? He’s really not, but same. My gay friend might be able to come with me. That’s so much better, right? I wasn’t sure about asking him before because I’d never done this and I didn’t think he’d understand that I just liked you, but then I *had* to talk about you and he was cool with it. I think he actually wants to meet you anyway. lol  
 **Married - white:** Sure. I’m glad you wanted to tell your friend about me. See you Monday?  
 **Iris:** I’m so excited. Thanks. I was in the worst mood but seeing you just makes me excited.

*

**Iris:** Hey. Monday? Same deal. $200 and maybe extra if he tips well. Are you free?  
 **Marco:** I can be. Time?  
 **Iris:** Probably around 6pm? We’re going to his condo. Maybe later if his wife’s plane leaves later. Lol  
 **Marco:** Noted.  
 **Iris:** Are you going to be judgy about him being married?  
 **Marco:** Do you think I’d make any money in Texas if I didn’t work married men?  
 **Iris:** Point.  
 **Iris:** FML. I forgot to save his actual name in my notes. Can you introduce yourself and shake his hand and try to get it?  
 **Marco:** Now I’m maybe judging you a little.  
 **Iris:** He’s white. He has a boring job. He’s middle aged. He thinks he’s special. They blend. And I was drunk.  
 **Marco:** Yeah, okay. That’s fair.

***

Marco picks Iris up at five.

“So, he thinks he’s the only guy I see outside of the club. I said I don’t usually do it, but I just really clicked with him. I said you’re my BFF and I was kind of scared to tell you about him, but I just like him so much that I spilled my guts because I wanted to talk to him.”

Marco looks at her. This is another reason why she doesn’t feel bad about how little money he makes in their arrangement. Because even if the reason is that he doesn’t have actually do sex work, he’s such a newbie. He must make all his money from his looks and being so new that no one sees him as a threat. Tyson wouldn’t have brought him to the party if he didn’t think Marco was controllable. He wasn’t wrong.

“It’s our third date and I haven’t slept with him yet. I’m milking this as long as I can,” Iris explains.

“That’s working?”

“So far. Maybe act a little curious about wanting a sugar daddy. You never know who he talks to. He pays my rent like it’s pocket change. Can you imagine being that rich? He’s had _health insurance_ his entire life.”

***

Marco does a lot better than Iris was expecting. He gets Daniel’s name. He acts curious about their arrangement and even scores her an extra $200 when he says he’s worried she’s going to fail her classes because of how slow the club has been.

The best part is that she makes it through the entire night without having sex and still gets paid.

“I’m giving you that $200,” Iris tells him. “You’re a natural. I’m a little worried you’re playing _me_ , but it’s working out for me, so I’ll take it.”

“Are you really in school?” he asks her instead of just taking the money.

“I am. But you earned this _and_ it didn’t cost me any money. It’s fine. I know when to make an ally.”

Of course, the scariest thing about Marco is that the more she gets to know him, the more she wants to make him a _friend_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iris POV for the first time ever? These chapters are short and I wanted to get Iris out there, so I'm posting them close together and I'll post the last little short one tomorrow or maybe later tonight. If you’re confused about the names, it’ll get clearer.


	7. He's got his spell on me, and I can't believe

**Carlos:** Do you know anyone in this picture?  
**Daphne:** Besides Vanity? Nope. But I can post it in my group and ask.  
**Carlos:** Thanks.  
**Daphne:** Did you give it to the detective?  
**Carlos:** Yeah. I don’t think she’s doing anything. Maybe if we can figure out who some of these people are it’ll help.  
**Daphne:** I posted on all my groups. I’ll pass any info I get on to you.  
**Carlos:** Thanks.

***

Carlos understands why almost all the sex worker Facebook groups won’t let him in. Watching the things Iris had to deal with that he never does has made him stop resenting it. They might have worked similar jobs, but it was obvious that they didn’t work the _same_ job. Even if she seemed to have an easier time making money, she also seemed to have to pay an endless string of people to do it. And then she had to pay more even people if she couldn’t keep herself safe.

And in the end, it’s clear that all her precautions failed. Michelle doesn’t want to admit that they aren’t going to find her. Carlos knows that he just wants someone to answer for why she’s gone. He knows the statistics.

But even with the statistics, he’s still a sitting with a maid-of-honor after one of their stage shows who wants him to come back to their hotel. It’s not the best amount of money he’s been offered for full service. But it’s not the worst. And she’s pretty, young, and clean. It doesn’t count for much because he’s not into women, but she’s also not aggressive and she doesn’t want to put anything up his ass, and that counts for something. She also has cash and she hasn’t asked for anything that crosses any of his lines.

He tells her that he still owes Reveal two more stage shows and gives her his number. He buys Viagra off Reese in the locker room.

***

 **Carlos:** Woman. White. 30s, Bartender said her credit card said Bethany Baird.  
**Michelle:** Okay. Hotel or house or apartment?  
**Carlos:** Hotel. From Alabama.  
**Michelle:** Be careful.  
**Carlos:** I always am. I can overpower a woman who tried to sell me essential oils.

***

“At least tell me your real name. It’s not Alejandro, right?” Bethany says before he even has his shirt off.

Carlos laughs easily, “No. They don’t let us use our real names. It’s a rule. It ruins the fantasy.”

“I just want to be screaming your real name.”

Carlos kisses down her neck to avoid her mouth, then moves up her neck to whisper _Juan_ into her ear. At this point, sometimes he feels more like Juan than Carlos anyway.

***

 **Carlos:** All good. On the way home.  
**Michelle:** Good to know.  
**Carlos:** How is TK? With all the stuff with his dad?  
**Michelle:** Stressed but dealing. How much did you drink?  
**Carlos:** Not enough to forget it by tomorrow. It’ll take a couple weeks.  
**Michelle:** Carlos  
**Carlos:** Drop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this last mini-chapter yesterday but yesterday got away from me. Sorry! I'm actually going to post the next chapter right now since it this little section of mini-chapters.


	8. They say newcomers have a certain smell

**Lexi:** I have a possible couple that wants a couple. What are your lines that you won’t cross?  
**Carlos:** What do you mean exactly?  
**Lexi:** You know what? You. Me. Tacos tomorrow. You’re buying. I’m teaching. It’s actually supposed to be hot, so we’ll eat outside. I need some vitamin D. I’ve been sleeping through the sun every day.  
**Carlos:** Time?  
**Lexi:** 4pm?  
**Carlos:** Just tell me where.

***

Carlos meets Lexi at a taco truck. She’s wearing short cut-off shorts, a tank top, and he walks right past her because she’s not wearing makeup and her hair is pulled back in a messy bun. It takes him a second to recognize her even after she calls his name. It’s weird to be _Marco_ in the afternoon sun while getting tacos from a food truck.

Apparently, Lexi agrees because she says, “Look, I can’t be Vanity or Lexi on my day off. Can I just be Iris?”

“If I can be Carlos.”

“Are you fake-real-naming me?” Iris asks.

“No?”

“Oh my god. Do you not even have a fake real name? Are you giving clients your actual real name?”

“I just tell them Marco’s actually my name. Or Alejandro if I’m at Reveal,” Carlos explains.

“Okay, no one believes that. Anyone who actually has money knows most places won’t let you do that. You need a fake real name. Something a little more plain. It helps if it’s really common, but not too common. Lexi’s actually my fake real name because they usually expect a real name if I’m saying, ‘I don’t usually do this. Everyone says it’s too dangerous.’ Vanity is my name at the club. I say I want something that’s obviously fake because it feels more fun if I embrace it. Lexi Johnson works really well for me because there’s writer named that, so they google, and they just get lots of useless stuff and assume it’s not my fault.”

Iris pulls out her phone and shows him that she even has an Instagram as Lexi Johnson so that they can find something and stop looking for her real one.

“Do you want to keep capitalizing on the sexy Latino stereotype?” Iris asks. “Juan is really common. If they press for a last name, go with Rodriguez. I bet that’s totally useless.”  
Iris makes Juan Rodriguez an Instagram while they eat.

“So, you really need to know exactly what your boundaries are before it comes up. Do you not like to kiss? Do you only top? Do you want to some kind of protection if you go down on women? Do you even do that? And are your boundaries different with sex workers? Does it depend on how well you know them or if they’re men or women?”

Carlos’s face feels even hotter than the Texas sun was already making it.

“God, am I just pushing you into stuff you don’t want to do?” Iris asks. “I’m sorry. I guess I just thought since Tyson said you’d been seeing guys outside the club that you were fine with it but maybe not being safe enough because you were new to everything. If you’re not into doing it unless you’re desperate, then I’ll still call you when I need a bodyguard. I don’t need you for this.”

“I don’t know,” Carlos says while looking at his food. “It’s just…I _am_ desperate. I took out a loan for something and I paid that off because I wanted it done. I didn’t realize there were just these slow seasons and now I can’t make enough to get by without it.”

“Okay. How about this: I’ll tell them it’s your first time doing a couple thing and things might not happen. I can sell the newbie thing. We just might not get as much money.”

“Doesn’t that screw you over?” Carlos asks. It’s not like he thinks everyone in the business is bad. But there’s always a limit. There’s always a point when you have to walk away from your friends. Most of the people he calls friends will sacrifice if someone isn’t safe, but with guys, that’s not too much of an issue.

Iris sighs and runs her hand through her hair. It messes up her hair, which makes her pull her hair tie out and redo it in jerky frustrated movements.

“Roxy got me on these couple things and then the guy she brought in for me before you was a dick. That’s why Tyson invited you because I told her I wasn’t making it a party if he couldn’t find another guy. And it was _my_ client so they didn’t have the info and they couldn’t do it without me. Now Roxy’s going on and on about Tyson sucking a guy off without her there as if she didn’t lead him into it, and I don’t actually know other guys to do this with. So yeah, I might lose some money, but I think I can work it, and I know you’re not going to hurt me. It’s safer when it’s not just me. I have other girls I work with when they want the lesbian thing, but I don’t have another guy. And even when you’re in the other room, being one-on-one is too much for me right now. The bouncers at the club hate me lately so it’s awful, and I just need to get through this semester.”

“Okay,” Carlos says. He reaches his hand across the table but doesn’t touch her. She closes the distance.

“Ugh, don’t you dare tell anyone I’m such a disaster. I’ll tell everyone you’re lying and I’m a better liar than you, so they’ll believe me,” Iris says.

“Your secret’s safe with me.”

Iris takes a deep breath and lets go of his hand.

“Okay. So, you need to sit down and decide where your lines are. I wish I could say you’ll just never cross them. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’re different. But most people I know have. It just helps if you decide beforehand so that when it comes up, then you’ll think before crossing it. And the more you do it, the more it’ll become a lighter line. But it’ll still mess with you.”

Carlos nods.

“You only have to tell me your lines that apply to me so _I_ don’t cross them. But I won’t judge you. I mean, I know a girl who doesn’t mind anal with customers, but her pussy is only for who she’s dating. It makes zero sense to me, but that’s what she’s comfortable with so good for her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Iris and Carlos know each other’s real names. Honestly, I have to be really close to someone to use real names even if I know them. It’s less confusing to just use fake names mostly.
> 
> I've never done this jumping timelines thing before so I'm glad it seems to be working. But it's making some of the chapters tiny. I think they get longer later, but I'm writing so much that I honestly I don't remember right now.


	9. It must be the money, cuz it ain't your dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's additional warnings on this chapter. Scroll to the bottom notes if you want them.

**Daphne:** Okay. So I got an anonymous message. It says that she worked with one of the girls in the photo. Her name was Mandy, but that was her name at XTC so no idea what her real name was. I asked her *which* girl in the photo is Mandy, but she hasn’t answered yet. She says she hasn’t seen Mandy in years but that doesn’t mean much because Mandy was always talking about how much she traveled, and club-hopped. I’ll let you know if I get anything else.  
 **Carlos:** Thanks. I’m not even sure I should tell Vanity’s sister that. You know the detective will say it’s worthless. She still hasn’t even called us about the truck and you can see the plates.  
 **Daphne:** Bullshit. I’ll keep asking around at work when I go to the club.

***

**Carlos:** Bachelor party with Reese. Don’t worry and stay up. It’s both of us.  
 **Michelle:** I still want a text when you’re home.

***

Since Iris disappeared, Carlos tries harder not to work private parties alone. Even if he feels safe, Michelle worries too much, and he can’t blame her.

He takes an Uber because he’s going to drink. He knows Michelle’s right. When he got to the point where he _had_ to drink to do his job, it meant that he had a problem. He knows that. When the “fun” nights became less and less common. When he had started having anxiety every time he worked and he couldn’t talk to any of the customers without a drink, he knew he really needed to stop. He gets that.

But he’s twenty-six. He has a high school education and a work history he can’t put on a resume. Just because he knows he needs to quit, doesn’t mean that he can. The best he can do is stop drinking when he’s _not_ at work. It means he has almost no friends that he sees outside of work besides Michelle, but it assures that he has a problem that he solves with alcohol instead of an alcohol problem.

The first part of the bachelor party is always the easiest even if today Carlos is a little distracted with the requested firefighter getup. Michelle mentioned that TK’s father has cancer, but Carlos knew how she’d react if he asked for more details. Of course, she knew he cared anyway because he has a rule against not being honest with Michelle. He has to have one person in his life who he’s honest with. One person that never sees a mask. One person who sees _Carlos_ and also knows that Macro, Alejandro, and Juan exist.

The initial strip show when they come into the party is the easy part. They do their routine and split the ones that end up scattered on the floor. But one of the grooms keeps shoving the money down the front and back of his bottoms instead of the side as an excuse to cop a feel. It’s going to be _that_ kind of night. Carlos takes the shot he’s offered instead of spitting it back in the chaser.

***

“Come on. How much? Me and Leo made a deal for tonight. We both get a last night of fun. And your friend will agree if you do.”

Carlos tries not to be annoyed with Reese. The Lucky Cowboy has been shit in general. Reese lost the same Saturday of money that Carlos did at Reveal, but he didn’t get the hours upstairs that Carlos got at the Lucky Cowboy a couple days later. It’s not Reese’s fault that the groom who likes Reese better is also the groom who oddly just wants to suck another man’s cock for the last time. They’re both too grabby and gross for it to be enjoyable, but it’s a lot easier to close your eyes and take a pill if you need the help making a guy think you’re interested while he sucks you off. It would even be easier if the other groom wanted Carlos to top.

But Carlos has been fighting his fingers for an hour. His asshole feels kind chaffed from the way the man keeps pulling on his g-string. Because some guys are obsessed with topping a guy who clearly doesn’t usually bottom.

It’s a line. It’s a line that Carlos doesn’t cross unless he’s absolutely desperate for the money. It’s something that’s hard for him to even do with a man he cares about and trusts. Doing it for a random guy hits some part of him that messes him up so much that the last time he even let a guy finger him, he slept for two days straight to forget it. Carlos never knew emotional exhaustion could do something so physical until he tried to go to the police academy. At least he feels less guilty about the lines he crosses as a sex worker. He’s only hurting himself when he does that.

“I can tell you want it,” the man says. Carlos doesn’t even remember his name anymore. “You just don’t want to admit it. Guys like you always really want someone who can take over.”

It’s a crime that this man is engaged to be married and Carlos hasn’t had a boyfriend in three years. The man slips his thick finger between Carlos’s asscheeks again. It’s dry and his hole is already sore from having a thin piece of material yanked against it over and over.

And that thin black line Carlos drew in his head six years ago is already more grey than he ever wanted it to be.

So he giggles drunkenly and falls off the horrible man’s lap.

“I’m too drunk and I need to go home,” Carlos says.

Reese obviously doesn’t buy it. Carlos isn’t even sure _anyone_ does. But Reese can get over it. Reese hasn’t been fighting these dry, fat fingers for four hours. They’re already half an hour over when they should’ve asked for more money again because they were negotiating details that Carlos never wanted to agree to in the first place.

“I’m staying,” Reese says. “It’s chill. I can handle it.”

“No. We leave together,” Carlos says.

They’re at a standoff. Both guys are bitching about not getting what they wanted.

Reese sighs and gets up to pull him to the corner of the room.

“Look. I’m sorry. I know you got the asshole, and he’s pushing you. I get it if you leave. But I _need_ this money. I’m staying. I’ll text Tyson.”

Carlos sighs. He hates it. But Reese really can take care of himself.

“Text me when you’re leaving,” Carlos says before he leaves. It’s not ideal and he hates every part of it. But it’s just going to cause problems for Reese if he stays and keeps refusing. And he’s not letting this guy fuck him.

Carlos doesn’t get a tip. Reese probably will. He doesn’t tell Carlos how much it is and Carlos doesn’t ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content warnings:** There’s something that counts as sexual assault in this chapter. It’s more dub con than sexual assault maybe. It's complicated when you feel like you're not allowed to say no, so you don't say no right away and it's debatable if the other person realizes that you don't want something.


	10. Wait for them to ask you who you know

**Carlos:** How much to pretend to be my girlfriend for a few days?  
**Iris:** DAYS? What does being your girlfriend involve? What’s the client like?  
**Carlos:** Well, we have to travel north. Older. Mexican. Expects me to call them mom and dad.  
**Iris:** …are we talking about your actual parents here? Because it’s disturbing that I’m not sure.  
**Carlos:** Yes. My sister is getting married.  
**Iris:** You can’t afford me and you know that. Did you already lie and say I’m your girlfriend?  
**Carlos:** It was an accident?  
**Iris:** You are cooking me dinner so many times. Like you’re my personal chef.  
**Carlos:** Seriously? You’ll go?  
**Iris:** If I can just be Iris.  
**Carlos:** You know Iris is my favorite.  
**Iris:** I already said yes. Don’t oversell it.

***

Just Iris even if she’s Iris the waitress isn’t enough for his parents. He knew that. Just like he knows they think he needs to get his life together and get a real job. And that’s considering that they still think he’s a bouncer.

“Are you paying her or is she a friend who is taking pity on you?” Mari asks when they’re dancing at the reception.

Carlos panics for a second. He doesn’t _think_ Iris has done anything to out herself as a sex worker, but maybe they were careless. No. That’s ridiculous. _Iris_ is never that careless even when she’s just Iris.

“ _Carlos_. I _know_ ,” Mari says.

Carlos looks around the room. He has to find Iris….and what? What is he going to do? Make out with her to prove they’re dating. Ask her to convince Mari that he’s a bouncer because Iris is a better liar than Carlos?

“Carlos, it’s okay,” Mari says. “I don’t care that you’re gay. I won’t tell mom and dad.”

Carlos laughs. Right. Of course. He’s just gay. He’s not taking off his clothes for money and doing more when that’s not enough to pay the bills.

“She’s my best friend,” Carlos says. “But I’d marry her if I was straight.”

Mari smiles and pulls him into a hug.

“So. Tell me something true now. Is there a boyfriend?”

“No. I might just have to marry her anyway. Guys just haven’t been working out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working on getting the next chapter up as soon as I post this because this is just a tiny flashback. <3


	11. You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you

**Daphne:** Okay. So a couple of the girls said they recognize one of the guys. He was a regular a few years ago. But they said he only ever spent money on one or two girls and was a time waster after that. No one remembers who the girls were or knows his name because he didn’t pay. But I’ll keep asking around.  
**Carlos:** Thanks.

***

“I’m sorry,” Carlos says to Michelle when he drops her at the firehouse for her shift. He knows he waited until the end of their lunch date to update her on Iris, but that’s because he knew she’s be like this. “I’m sorry. I just know that telling the detective that one of the girls in the picture is a stripper and all we know is that her stripper name is Mandy, isn’t going to get us anywhere.”

“But doesn’t the club know who ‘Mandy’ is?”

“It was three years ago,” Carlos says. Sometimes he feels like he’s explained how clubs work to Michelle over and over and she just refuses to understand because she doesn’t want to. “There’s probably been ten Mandy’s since then and I _know_ there’s been three managers. And they’re only going to tell the detective if she gets a warrant.”

“And she’s not going to look because she just thinks Iris is a hooker that no one cares about. This is a mess, Carlos. It’s a mess and it’s dangerous and you shouldn’t be doing it.”

“What do you want me to do, Michelle? What? I don’t have time to go to school and work to pay for it at the same time. I can’t move home because I’m not going back in the closet. I don’t know how to do anything else anymore. What do you want me to do?”

“You’re making it too hard! Lots of people have regular jobs, Carlos. And you don’t want to be doing it. I don’t know what happened the other night at that party, but I know it wasn’t _fine_. You didn’t answer your texts for three days.”

“I was tired.”

“You’re always tired Carlos,” Michelle says in a softer voice.

“Because I have to work out enough to look like this and do drunk cardio for hours. What do you want from me?” Carlos doesn’t know how to explain to her that he doesn’t have the energy to get out. The second he has the energy to spare, he has to go back to work again. He’s tired. Everyone knows he’s burned out. Everyone tells him he needs to quit. But no one offers him a job, or a plan, and he doesn’t have the energy to figure it out. He’s not Iris. He’s not going to be a doctor.

“I want you to make a plan to stop.”

“Maybe you could stop judging me,” Carlos says.

“I’m not the one judging you and you know it. I’m just tired of watching you judge yourself.” Michelle sighs and gets out of the car, slamming the door behind her.

Carlos is so exhausted that he can’t start the car. He rests his head on the steering wheel and just lets the tears stream down his face. He’s still trying to breathe when someone knocks on the passenger side window. Carlos sniffs and tries to wipe his face. Maybe Michelle forgot something. Maybe she feels guilty and came back. Maybe someone wants him to move his car.

Maybe it’s the very last person Carlos wants to see right now.

TK watches him through the window with the same kind expression that Carlos has been dreaming about. Carlos reaches across the car to pop open the passenger side door.

“Can I sit with you a bit?” TK asks. Carlos nods weakly. He can’t look at TK like this. Why does TK always show up when he’s a crying disaster?

TK sits down and closes the door behind him.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, but you can if you want,” TK says. “I know Michelle told my dad she’s been looking for her sister and it’s not going well. Did you know her?”

Carlos nods.

“She was my best friend.”

“Can I hug you?” TK asks. When he continues, it’s not a ramble. It’s a calm list of options. “Only if you want a hug. It’s really okay if you don’t. Or if you want me to leave.”

Carlos _hates_ being touched by strangers. He hates it and they expect him to like it and just be happy about it. He drinks so that he can be Alejandro or Marco or Juan and pretend that he likes it. Then he goes home and showers off all the people touching him. He doesn’t even like to be touched by Michelle most of the time. He pushes past it sometimes because he loves her, but there’s just days when he’s so burned out from being touched and his skin _crawls_ with it. The last person whose touch he always enjoyed was Iris. They’d cuddle up with a movie and remind each other that touch could be nice.

Carlos can’t help thinking that TK’s touch was so gentle and careful. And when Carlos flinched away because he didn’t want to be touched, TK paused and talked to him and made it not so horrible. And then at some point, it became something he wished he’d been in a state to enjoy.

So Carlos nods, leans toward him and lets TK wrap his arms about Carlos’s shoulders.

“I don’t know how to say anything that’s helpful,” TK says as he holds Carlos close. “And I only have a few minutes right now because I’m just starting my shift, but if you want to talk sometime, I’ll give you my number. No pressure. Not a date because I’m a disaster who is not allowed to date _anyone_ and Michelle will kill me if I fuck around with you.”

Carlos laughs. He can’t imagine that TK is a disaster, but he knows what Iris would say about putting people on pedestals. Of course, Carlos put her up on one anyway.

“Okay,” Carlos says even though he knows it’s probably a bad idea.

“Okay,” TK keeps his arm around Carlos while he hands him his phone.

Carlos has given out his number so much that he’s given up worrying about who has it. He just tells people that he doesn’t want to set up his voicemail and blocks anyone who gets annoying. Usually he just types in his number and texts himself something flirty that will help him remember who the text was from.

He only hesitates a few seconds before switching over to create a new contact. He enters his number. Then takes a breath before typing in _Carlos_. Then he takes it further and fills in _Reyes_ before saving it.

“It’s my real name,” Carlos says when he sits up and hands TK back the phone. “It’s just that I spend so much time introducing myself as something else that it feels weird when I have to say I’m Carlos.”

The smile TK gives him is worth it.

“Okay. _Carlos_. I’ll text you,” TK says before getting out of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. I'm posting a third chapter after this because this next chapter is particularly topical to why I'm having a good day.


	12. While we're all getting shit wrecked

Carlos knows it’s Iris when he hears someone let themselves into his apartment. She’s the only person who has a key. He hasn’t answered her texts in four days.

Or it’s a murderer. Carlos can’t be bothered to get up to check. They will have to come murder him in his bed.

Iris comes into the bedroom without knocking and turns on the lights. She’s carrying two to-go cups of coffee and a paper bag from her favorite coffee shop.

“Oh shock. You’re still in bed. You really need to figure out how to open your curtains sometimes. I know you need to sleep during the day and you need it to be darker than I do because you grew up in bumfuck, nowhere, but it’s depressing if you just stay in here. Where is your light therapy light?”

Carlos doesn’t answer her because he doesn’t _want_ his light therapy light on. She finds it anyway, plugs it in, and turns it on in the corner of the room before coming back to sit on his bed.

“Drink your coffee. Eat a croissant. And you need to drink some water. I’m getting you some hydration.” Iris gets up and leaves the room. She comes back with a glass filled with blue fizzy water.

“I _am_ hydrating,” Carlos says. “As you could see when you made that.”

“There is way too much Pedialyte in the bottle in your refrigerator. You’re drinking it anyway,” Iris says.

Carlos takes it and downs a quarter of the glass because she’s _right_ and his body demands the mixture of Pedialyte and sparkling water as soon as it gets a taste. Of course, she’s right. The food and coffee make him feel better, too. The light makes him feel better. He was going to get them started any minute. Except that he really wasn’t. He was going to lie in bed until he had to go back to work.

Iris moves from where she’s sitting against the headboard next to him and sits cross-legged on facing him.

“I’m going to say something you’re not going to like, and you’re going to listen.”

Carlos nods. He’s ready for a speech about how he’s not taking care of himself and how maybe he should see a therapist even though therapists are expensive, and he’d need to work more to pay for one and working more would fuck him up more, so it’s just not worth it.

“I like my job,” Iris says instead. “I don’t _always_ like it. I hate when guys get rough. I hate when the club is dead, and I’m scared I won’t make money. I hate when I’m doing things I don’t really want to do and when it’s not safe. But _no one_ likes their job all the time.”

“But I _do_ like my job,” Iris continues. “I love being on stage when it’s a good crowd. I love the feeling of the full club. I feel so powerful when everything is going my way. I love getting a room where I can bring up other girls and hand out money like I’m Oprah. I like the parties. I like meeting people from all kinds of different places with different jobs. I like getting to go places and try things that I’d never be able to afford on my own. I like dressing up and being Vanity and Lexi. It’s fun. It’s a _game_. I hate it when I’m losing the game, but it’s fun when I’m winning. _Carlos. When was the last time you had fun?_ Have you _ever_ had fun? We all need time to recharge but it’s like you’re taking longer and longer to recharge every time now.”

“I’ve had fun,” Carlos says. It’s not a lie. It’s just that he doesn’t remember when it happened last. Lately if feels like everyone wants more for less money, and he doesn’t have anything left to give. Iris knows that, so she doesn’t bother to say it.

“I wish I knew how to help you,” Iris says. Carlos feels better that at least she admits it. He’s not her. He doesn’t have a plan. He doesn’t even know what he wants to do if he quits. He’s just going day to day to survive because it’s the only thing he knows how to do.

“You are helping,” Carlos says. “I just wish I wasn’t bringing you down.”

“You’re not,” Iris lies. She makes him get up and move to the living room, but she doesn’t make him talk anymore about it while they cuddle on the couch.

When she leaves, she hugs him.

“I’m fine,” Carlos tells her. “I’m just tired.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

Carlos hugs her again instead of answering. For the next three years he’ll try to focus on that hug and not that the last thing he ever said to her was a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh this note, I am officially starting a new job on Friday that will hopefully mean that when my club (which closed because of Covid and hasn't been able to reopen) reopens, I should be going to clean out my locker and never doing this kind of work again. It's the only reason I have it in me to write this.
> 
> In fic news, I've figured out where to go with Carlos and TK and everything in this. Starting half-way through the season at Studs means that I'm really really glad that this show is really unclear about time-passage so I can kind of just let it go, but it does kind of mean there's not going to be lots of warning before TK gets shot, huh?
> 
> This is however the last flashback chapter. At least for now.


	13. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline

**TK:** My number so you have it.  
**Carlos:** Thanks.  
**TK:** If you want a last name to put in the contact, it’s Strand. 😎  
**Carlos:** And what if I want to know what TK stands for?  
**TK:** I don’t usually tell anyone. Because then they start using the information and it becomes a thing.  
**Carlos:** That’s fair. Sorry for asking.  
**TK:** It’s okay. I feel like giving me your real name was a big deal for you.  
**Carlos:** Kind of. But maybe not the way you’re thinking. Michelle is kind of my only friend who that really uses it. So it’s not because I have a thing for you. It’s just a big deal in general.  
**Carlos:** Not that I have a thing for you.  
**Carlos:** Not that I don’t.  
**Carlos:** Anyway this is why I don’t have real friends that use my real name. My alternate personas are much less awkward.  
**TK:** Tyler Kennedy. I’m trusting you to never tell anyone or use it.  
**Carlos:** I won’t.  
**TK:** And I’m sure your alternate personas are very smooth, but I prefer Carlos.

***

“Is he okay?”

It’s not the first thing TK expected to hear when Michelle asked to talk to him alone. He was expecting a reminder not to get involved with her friend if he wasn’t serious. Maybe even a threat. But, she did leave Carlos crying in his car and _TK_ checked on him, so she’s not exactly in a place to threaten him.

“I don’t know. I just told him if he wanted to talk, he could text me and we exchanged numbers.”

“You just have to be careful with him,” Michelle says. “I don’t think he knows what he wants. Not just with you. With everything. And I don’t know how to help him.”

Then she leaves, and TK is just confused. Yes, he’s very aware that Carlos Reyes probably isn’t in any better shape to date him than he is to date Carlos. But maybe that’s why TK couldn’t let him cry in his car alone. TK has his dad more than anyone else. And he even has Paul and Judd to an extent now. Carlos has Michelle and clearly that’s not enough for either of them. Maybe he has people TK doesn’t know about, but TK couldn’t just ignore him.

***

 **TK:** My best friend and the only person who knows why I moved to Austin is my father. So you shouldn’t feel like I’m judging you if you don’t have a lot of real, normal friendships. I have some co-workers I like, but I have to work with them, so I kind of *try* to not look like I’m a disaster.  
**Carlos:** I have co-workers that like me…but I think they’re all getting more and more frustrated that I’m a disaster. It gets in their way.  
**TK:** I mean, I know I don’t now much, but they seemed to care when you were hurt?  
**Carlos:** They do. It’s easier at Reveal because it’s mostly show. We’re not competing as much for the money. But no one makes enough to just work there. All the guys there either have other things or it’s like, college kids who just do it for fun/extra money.  
**Carlos:** So they are my friends and they do care about me as a person. But sometimes we all have to put ourselves first, so then it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.  
**TK:** That makes sense.  
**TK:** I don’t want to ask anything you don’t want to tell me, so I’m not asking, but you can tell me whatever you *want* to tell me.  
**Carlos:** Okay. I don’t even know what I want to tell you.  
**TK:** Fair. Well, I have no idea what your schedule is, but I’m free on Thursday after 2pm until around 9:30pm. If you want to just hang out and do something chill. I can’t really have people over though. Ugh. Okay. I can, but I live with my dad and he will do the whole “Oh, who is your friend? Is he just your friend?” thing. And I feel like that might be a lot for you.  
**Carlos:** Understandable. I might be free Thursday. I don’t know yet. I never really know when I’ll be free until right before lately. I’m sorry.  
**TK:** It’s really okay.

***

 **Carlos:** I should be free Thursday evening. 4ish?  
**TK:** Cool. I’m up for anything, but I still don’t know Austin very well, so if you want to go somewhere, you have to pick.  
**Carlos:** Is it weird if I want to stay in? You can come over and I can cook. I like to cook so it’s not a big deal.  
**TK:** I do not cook, so I will be useless, but if that’s fine, then this seems like my ideal way to start a friendship.  
**Carlos:** That’s fine.  
**TK:** Can I bring anything?  
**Carlos:** Don’t worry about it.

***

TK debates telling his dad. There’s so much about Carlos that _TK_ doesn’t know. And TK can’t say that he doesn’t have some non-platonic feelings.

If it was just TK who was a mess, then TK wouldn’t worry. It’s selfish and it’s stupid, but TK will be careless with himself and guys will just push him away when it’s too much work. But Carlos has already shown TK that he’s in a fragile place. He doesn’t seem to think he has any real friends besides Michelle. TK doesn’t want to make him regret letting TK in. And that might mean that TK needs some back up to not mess up.

So, after coffee and breakfast, TK follows his dad to the couch and sits next to him. His father doesn’t ask, but he flips through the channels and picks an interior design show before draping his arm over the back of the couch so that TK can cuddle if he wants. TK takes the invitation. It helps him get his thoughts together.

“I have plans tonight,” TK says.

“Yeah? What kind of plans?” His dad is trying to be causal in a way that makes it obvious that it’s not.

“It’s not a date.”

Owen laughs. “Okay. How is it not a date and who is this not a date with?”

“It’s really not a date,” TK says. “I literally told him that it couldn’t be a date because I’m not dating. And he’s Michelle’s friend and she told me if I sleep with him and don’t intend to date him, she’ll basically kill me, so it’s really not a date. She probably knows a lot of ways to kill someone and make it look like an accident.”

“Yes, that’s probably true. If you sleep with him anyway, you better tell me so I can watch out for you.”

“I need friends I don’t work with,” TK points out. Maybe Carlos will end up being more than a friend, but that’s something he hasn’t figured out at all. He knows Carlos has feelings for him. But there’s just a lot going on for both of them. TK still doesn’t know how he feels about dating a stripper, and Carlos has said he doesn’t make enough money just working at the club TK knows about. TK has no idea what that means. He just knows that he doesn’t think he can ask. He needs to wait for Carlos to volunteer the information if he wants to.

“I know,” his dad says. “I do. Do you want to tell me how you met one of Michelle’s friends? Is this why Judd was giving you looks the other day after Michelle asked to talk to you?”  
TK groans. The last thing he wants is to explain any of this to church-going _Judd_.

But, also, he’s not sure how much Carlos will be comfortable telling his dad, so he needs to ask Carlos first.

 **TK:** So I know this is super-weird and I probably owe you a better explanation than “My dad is weirdly over-protective right now,” but he wants to know how I met you. Is that okay? If it’s not, I can tell him it’s private. He knows you’re Michelle’s friend, so he’ll get over it. I’m twenty-six but I also don’t want him to worry because he’s been sick.  
**Carlos:** You *want* to tell your dad the truth? You could just say I’m a bouncer at the club. That’s what I tell my family.  
**TK:** I’m not judging you because I don’t know your family, but I promise my dad isn’t going to care what your job is. But we can still say you’re Michelle’s friend.

TK watches the dots on his phone appear and disappear for a while. He’s tempted to take it back. But he also wants to tell his dad the truth if he can. Lying to his dad is always a sign that something is going to go wrong.

 **Carlos:** It’s up to you. I already lie so much. I don’t want to make you do it.

“So…remember that unsanctioned bathroom break I took a few weeks ago?”

“ _TK_.”

TK’s glad to know his dad is judging _him_ and not Carlos.

“I _met_ him then. I didn’t have any intentions of ever seeing him again then. I didn’t know he was Michelle’s friend until she thanked me for helping him. Then he came to the hospital when I was there waiting for her after that accident. Last week I saw him when he dropped her off at work, and they’d had some kind of an argument about her sister. He was upset. I guess Iris was his best friend.

I just said I was around if he needed someone else to talk to because it’s not like I have any real friends here yet. I didn’t help him at the club and then give him my number. If he didn’t know Michelle, I never would’ve seen him again. Also, _you_ don’t get to judge Mr ‘something bad is always happening in the champagne room.’”

“Okay, okay,” his dad says. “Sorry. That’s fair.”

“Can I ask something?” his dad asks after TK doesn’t continue the conversation because he realizes that there’s not much else for him to say about Carlos. He doesn’t know anything else to tell.

“Sure.”

“What’s the possibility that you’ll be interested in making him more than a friend later?” his dad asks.

“I know he kind of likes me,” TK admits. “But honestly, he doesn’t _know_ anything about me. Cute firefighter who cleaned up his head wound is a lot different than depressed drug addict.”

“You’re more than just that,” his dad says.

“I know. But it’s still such a big thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to post this fic because two cool things happened today. So far I’ve liked my new job but I knew going in that it was going to be very rough because I was having to do it virtually. So today was the first time that I actually really enjoyed my job! I'm lucky because everyone thinks this job is a trainwreak right now. It very much is a trainwreak, but I spent years working in a dumpsterfire inside of a trainwreak, so I'm sitting at my desk like the real life version of the "I'm Fine" dog.
> 
> Second, my club reopened today which meant that I was able to officially go in and clean out my locker and say that I wasn’t coming back.


	14. my heart is gold and my hands are cold

**TK:** For the record, I don’t think lying to protect yourself makes you a liar. If you don’t feel safe telling someone your name and they push you, then they deserve to have you lie. If you know your family won’t be okay with your job, then it’s okay to protect yourself.  
**TK:** You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me. But if you can, just tell me that you don’t want to tell me something instead of lying? I don’t mind if you just don’t want to tell me things.  
**Carlos:** Okay. Thanks. It’s kind of nice to be honest with someone. Michelle worries so much that I just tell her what I *have* to tell her.  
**Carlos:** My friends who don’t know my real name, it’s kind of like that. We just use our fake names all the time and we all know they’re fake, but it’s less confusing. Sometimes when I know someone’s real name, I still think of them by their other name anyway because that’s the name I use.  
**TK:** That makes sense.

***

 **Carlos:** I don’t know how to tell him I’m not just a stripper. I kind of said I don’t just work at Reveal, but I didn’t explain and he didn’t ask.  
**Michelle:** Why do you have to tell him?  
**Carlos:** Because everything he says makes me like him more. If he’s going to hate me because I do full service, I want to know now.  
**Michelle:** First, he’s an asshole if he hates you for that. Second, are you really worried that he won’t want to date you even if he’s okay with it as a friend?  
**Carlos:** You already told him he’s not allowed to date me.  
**Michelle:** I never said that.  
**Carlos:** He said it.  
**Michelle:** He said that *I said* he’s not allowed to date you? I just said he’s not allowed to sleep with you and then disappear.  
**Carlos:** He said he’s not allowed to date.  
**Michelle:** Well, maybe that’s his own thing. It’s not a secret that he hasn’t been taking anyone seriously. I said that for a reason.

***

Carlos hasn’t cooked something that required effort in a while. He hasn’t gone to the farmers market because he doesn't have the energy to get up early. He’s not sure he started being this exhausted. Michelle thinks it’s since Iris left. Carlos hasn’t told her it was before that because when Iris first disappeared, he didn’t notice for three days and when he _did_ notice, he assumed she’d gotten worn out of his moods. He couldn’t blame her. _He_ is worn out of his moods.

He didn’t want to listen to her tell him once again that he needed to figure out what he wanted instead of just going along with everything even if it was making him miserable. Maybe if he hadn’t been such a mess, she wouldn’t have disappeared. He’s not stupid. He knows now likely it is that she’s dead. But maybe if he hadn’t been such a mess, then he would’ve been with her. She was usually so careful about having him guard her with clients she didn’t know. She wasn’t as good about it when she was with another girl, but she was still careful. He never even remembers her working with a girl named Mandy. None of the girls he knows from working with her know Mandy either.

Maybe if Iris was still around, he wouldn’t be so stressed out about TK coming over because she would be sitting on his couch teasing him about it and making him laugh.

When the doorbell rings, Carlos is forced to just wear what he has on. He knows he’s stressing a lot for something that is very specifically not a date. In his defense, he doesn’t even let Michelle come to his apartment if he can help it. He’s not sure how to have regular friends that he hasn’t seen naked.

He feels better that TK looks as nervous as Carlos feels.

“Wow. Whatever you made, it smells amazing. What can I do to become your friend forever?”

Carlos knows he’s blushing. He regrets his decision to not drink. He’s so much less awkward when he’s drinking. It wasn’t always like that. Maybe that’s the problem. He’s _forgotten_ how to talk to new people when he’s not drinking.

“It’s soup,” Carlos says as he steps aside to let TK into his apartment. “It’s kind of my comfort food, but I haven’t made it in a while.”

It’s such a stupid thing to say. First, he’s admitted that he _needs_ comfort food. Then he admitted that he hasn’t been cooking after telling TK that it was no big deal. But if he was less of a mess, it wouldn’t be a big deal. He used to like cooking. He used to like a lot of things.

“It sounds perfect. I could definitely use comfort food,” TK says because he’s so sweet that Carlos knows he’s going to fall even if TK’s not interested.

Carlos doesn’t have a table because he hasn’t had anyone besides Iris and Michelle in his apartment. It’s better, because it gives them an excuse sit in front of the TV. Maybe letting TK pick a movie off Netflix should make it feel more like a date, but it’s not Carlos’s ideal date, so it just feels like it takes away some of the pressure to talk. TK insists that they have to watch _Old Guard_ after Carlos says he hasn’t seen it.

“This is amazing. I’ve seriously never had soup this good in my entire life,” TK says, and Carlos feels it in his chest in a way that he’d completely forgotten. He used to love cooking for people, but then he started being too tired to bother.

“You can take some home if you want?” Carlos offers without thinking.

“I’m going to hide it from my dad because I’m not sharing,” TK says before Carlos can feel stupid about it.

It’s going fine until TK’s arm brushes against his because they’re both eating and TK’s left-handed. Carlos flinches away instinctively and then freezes. It’s stupid. He _likes_ TK. But even though he took the day before off work to recover, he still feels like he’s not ready to be touched.

“I’m sorry,” TK says, erasing Carlos’s hope that he didn’t catch it.

“It’s okay. You didn’t do anything.”

TK starts to shift further away on the couch and Carlos _knows_ he’s trying to be respectful, but it just makes Carlos hate everything about how messed up he is. Because it’s clear that TK feels rejected and that’s the last thing Carlos wants.

“It’s not you,” Carlos says because he can’t let TK think it is. “I just get touched so much when I don’t want to be. It feels like I can’t handle any more. It’s like the opposite of being touched-starved.”

“Well, that’s awful,” TK says. “I know it’s your job, but if you say no, they should listen.”

“I don’t,” Carlos explains. “I mean, I do sometimes. If they’re going too far. But it’s not like they’re doing awful things all the time. It’s lots of casual touching from a lot of strangers that adds up. When Iris was here, she’d make sure to touch me every once in a while. So I’d have some good physical contact to balance it out, but Michelle doesn’t really get that. And I don’t want to explain it to her because she’ll just get upset, so she just doesn’t touch me very much. So no one ever touches me when I’m sober anymore and I’m not used to it.”

Carlos shrugs. It’s more than he planned to say, but there’s something about TK that makes him want to share. Or maybe it’s not that TK’s special at all. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell Michelle and all his other friends get it so much that none of them want to really talk about it. TK’s different just because Carlos doesn’t have any friends outside the industry.

Carlos doesn’t expect TK to pause the movie and rewind it.

“It’s a good movie. I’m making you actually watch it and not miss pieces,” TK says with a grin.

“Fair, I’ll pay attention,” Carlos says, but TK doesn’t start the movie again.

“You can say no,” TK says. “But if you want someone to touch you on your terms in a totally platonic way, I can do that.”

TK doesn’t make him answer. He just starts the movie again, sits back and leaves the offer open.

There’s no way it’s going to feel platonic. Carlos knows that. He should deal with it another way. Iris used to book them couples massages with two of her friends, and it always helped ground him, and helped him feel like his body was his own again. Iris was an extravert and she needed it less, but when there was an event in town that no one could afford to miss and the locker rooms in both of their clubs were full of strippers drinking Pedialyte straight from the bottle, even Iris burned out.

But Iris is gone, and Carlos hasn’t even pretended to care of himself without her. And TK’s touch has always been kind and gentle. So he slowly reaches over and threads their fingers together. TK squeezes his hand and instead of being too much, it’s not enough. Carlos turns to look at him and TK doesn’t look back. But his thumb gently strokes back and forth over the back of Carlos’s hand. So Carlos moves closer and leans against him. They stay like that until a movie hits the dramatic part and Carlos cuddles closer without thinking. TK moves slowly when he lets go of Carlos’s hand and lifts his arm, giving Carlos the option to cuddle closer only if he wants to. Carlos definitely wants to.

It _is_ a good movie. Good enough that Carlos watches it even though his focus is split between TK’s chest moving under his cheek and TK’s arm around his shoulders. When TK fingers tangle in his hair and scratch the base of his scalp, Carlos closes his eyes with a sigh. He can watch the movie again later. TK doesn’t stop the movie. He just kisses the top of Carlos’s head and keeps holding him. When the movie ends, they let the credits play.

“My life is a disaster and I don’t know how to fix it,” Carlos says. “I don’t know why you’d even want to be my friend.”

“ _I’m_ a disaster,” TK says. “Just so you know. You shouldn’t think you’re a mess and I just have my life together.”

“You have a real job,” Carlos says.

“So do you. A job that sounds really hard,” TK tells him. “And I love my job, but I’m only here because my dad made me come. I’m an addict and I relapsed in New York after my boyfriend told me he was in love with someone else. It was…really bad. It’s why I’m not supposed to date yet. Because it’s like starting my recovery all over again. And I live with my dad so he can keep an eye on me. So you know, I’m a disaster too. If you could not mention that to Michelle, that would be nice. I don’t want everyone at work to think I can’t keep it together.”

“I won’t.”

TK’s phone goes off with a text and TK sighs. TK has to sit up to get it and Carlos misses being in his arms immediately.

“My dad,” TK says after he reads the text. “Checking up on me like I’m a teenager. Just so you know, this is what my life is like right now. My dad reminding me to tell him when I’m coming home tonight. Not _if_ I’m coming home. When.”

“Are you okay with that?” Carlos asks. “I mean, you’re an adult. You could move out if you want.”

“It’s annoying,” TK says. “But he’s not really _making_ me. He’s my boss, so he definitely could get me suspended or sent to rehab if he really wanted to which is how he got me here. I could still say no to the curfew, but he worries, and he has cancer. I don’t want to make him worry. And he’s _right_. I have a therapist and I go to meetings and my dad checks in. The consensus is that I’m not stable enough to really be alone if I don’t have to be. And that includes me. It’s not some abusive thing that he’s making me do. He’s just reminding me about things I said when I’d really like him to _not_ do that—which he probably suspects and that’s why he’s doing it.”

Carlos can’t help smiling at the implication that TK might not actually _want_ things to be platonic.

“I’ll put some of the soup in something you can take home,” Carlos says as he gets up. He ends up packing enough for two and telling TK that he can give some to his dad.

“I don’t know what gave you the impression that I’m not just going to have two meals for myself, but sure,” TK says, and Carlos feel pathetic with how much he wants to cook for TK again already.

“Thanks for…everything today,” Carlos says instead.

“Nothing about tonight was a hardship for me, but you’re welcome.” TK hugs him and lets the hug go on longer than normal, but Carlos still hates it when he pulls away.

***

 **Michelle:** How’d it go?  
**Carlos:** Good. We watched a movie. Everything was fine. He did explain why he’s not dating and it’s not about me, but I think I should respect his privacy because you work with him.  
**Michelle:** That’s fair.  
**Michelle:** You didn’t sleep with him right?  
**Carlos:** No, Michelle. He didn’t sleep with me.


	15. be reckless, just enough

**Carlos:** I’m deleting your contact information in my phone in the hopes that I won’t drunk text you tonight. Unfortunately, I tend to not be dumb in the right ways when I drink, so it might happen. I’m sorry.  
 **TK:** You know, I’m curious what drunk texts from you are like.  
 **Carlos:** Not enough filter.  
 **TK:** Well, if it happens, I’m not going to be upset unless you act like an asshole or something.  
 **Carlos:** That’s not what I’m worried about.

*

 **Carlos:** My iPhone is too smart. It just says your texts are “Maybe TK”  
 **Carlos:** Sorry I hope you don’t leave your sound on. It’s 3am. Ignore me.  
 **Carlos:** I feel like having everyone touching me was worse tonight because they weren’t you. I feel dirty.  
 **Carlos:** Sorry. I’ll shut up now.  
 **Maybe TK:** I had my sound off. Don’t worry. I hope you’re sleeping now.  
 **Maybe TK:** If you’re stressing out about texting me, then you should know I’m not upset.  
 **Maybe TK:** I know you might still be tired, but at least tell me you’re okay? If you need another day before talking to people, I get it. I’m just worried because you were drinking.  
 **Carlos:** I’m okay. I’m sorry. I just feel stupid.  
 **TK:** You don’t have to feel stupid. It happens.  
 **Carlos:** I hate drinking. But I have to if I want to make money because I just can’t do it if I’m not drinking. I know that’s bad. I don’t drink at all when I’m not working if that helps. I don’t have a drinking problem. I have a problem that I drink to deal with but only 2-3 days a week.  
 **TK:** I wouldn’t judge you for drinking if you did have a problem (obviously), but it’s smart that you don’t drink outside of work to make sure it stays that way. I’m a little worried that you have to drink to work, but I can understand why.  
 **Carlos:** Michelle really hates it.  
 **TK:** I can see why she’d worry.  
 **Carlos:** I feel like you’re being really careful about everything you’re saying.  
 **TK:** I guess I am. It’s hard to figure out how to not upset you are over text. I’m free tomorrow if you’re free.  
 **Carlos:** I need to work again tonight so I probably can’t tomorrow. I’ll try not to text you. Maybe you should block my number.  
 **TK:** I’m not blocking your number. If you drunk text me, it’s okay.

*

 **Carlos:** I’m afraid you won’t like me if you know what I do.  
 **TK:** Text me when you wake up.  
 **TK:** I’m not going to hate you.  
 **TK:** Tell me when you’re free? I’m not judging anything you do, but I think it’s better if we talk about it in person. I don’t want you to take anything I say the wrong way.  
 **TK:** I’m just worried. I’m sorry if I’m pushing when you’re not answering.  
 **Carlos:** I’m sorry. I’m okay.  
 **TK:** I’m not sure I believe that.  
 **Carlos:** Give me a couple days?  
 **TK:** Ok. I have a shift today anyway, so I’m not free until Thursday again.  
 **Carlos:** Thursday might be good for me.

***

TK usually thinks that going to therapy twice a week plus a meeting is excessive. The more he actually has fun with his co-workers, the more annoying it is to work seeing his therapist twice a week into his schedule. He’s going to try to talk his dad down to once a week soon.

But since he thinks twice a week is excessive, he doesn’t feel bad for spending an entire session talking about Carlos. He doesn’t want to talk to his dad about it more without asking Carlos for permission, but he needs to talk to _someone_.

Jess looks a lot calmer about the whole thing than he suspected. Maybe she’s more progressive than he is. She says a lot of things he already knows. She’s not like his dad or even his sponsor. She doesn’t automatically say that he shouldn’t date for a year after his relapse. But she does remind him that he doesn’t feel ready, and she says he needs to spend some time thinking about his own feelings about possibly dating someone who might be paid for sex. She also gives him some resources so he can educate himself a little before seeing Carlos again.


	16. That place and its patrons have taken more than I gave them

**Carlos:** I can do Thursday. Is it really bad if I make the same soup?  
 **TK:** No. But also you don’t have to make me anything.  
 **Carlos:** I’m mostly making it for myself.

***

Carlos doesn’t even try to talk himself into impressing TK by making something different. He needs comfort food, and it says something that Michelle is proud just to hear that he’s cooking again.

He could ask TK to drop it, and he’d probably get away with it. But it’s become obvious that drunk-Carlos is just as desperate for TK’s acceptance and doesn’t care how mortified sober-Carlos will be by his actions in the morning. So, Carlos has to do this, but it doesn’t mean he can look at TK after he lets him in the apartment.

TK opens his arms and Carlos walks into them immediately. Maybe he’d still have trouble being touched the first day after working. He’s afraid to find out because he doesn’t want to anything to ruin how good it feels when he’s in TK’s arms.

“I’m not promising that I’ll perfect about it, but I’m not going to think you’re horrible. I’m not going to stop hanging out with you.”

Carlos doesn’t miss that TK doesn’t say he’ll still consider Carlos datable.

“Honestly,” TK says after they’re eating on the couch. “You could make this for me every single week, and I’d still look forward to it even if it was the only thing you ever made.”

Carlos laughs. Maybe he’s just saying it because he can tell how happy it makes Carlos, but it still works.

“It’s just throwing the same things in a pot.”

“I promise you if I threw things in a pot, it wouldn’t taste like this,” TK says. His arm brushes against Carlos’s and Carlos doesn’t flinch even though he’s completely sober and he’s _Carlos_ and not any one of the personas he’s made up.

“I wasn’t going to ask,” TK says while they’re eating. Maybe he knows Carlos doesn’t want to have to look at him for this conversation. “You mentioned you didn’t just work at Reveal, but I wasn’t going to ask. And you still don’t have to tell me. But I feel like you want to tell me because at least you want to tell me when you’re drunk. I think maybe you’ll feel better about it if you tell me. Because I’ve thought about all the things you could say, and I did some research so I could try to not say anything offensive by accident. Nothing I’ve considered has made me think I never want to talk to you again.”

“But you’re not sure you can date me,” Carlos says. “I know you’re not saying it, but I can still hear it. I know how to read people. It’s part of my job.”

It’s almost a relief when TK says, “I don’t know.” At least he’s not lying.

“I can’t date you right now anyway,” TK continues. “I’m a mess, so everything feels like too much. And I can’t start to figure it out until I know more. Because right now I’m just thinking up different things, and it’s not that simple. But I can’t even expand on that until you talk to me.”

Carlos nods. He knows it makes sense. He knows that it’s bothering him enough that he’ll just keep texting TK when he’s drunk until it all comes out one way or the other.

“I work at Reveal on Saturdays. And then I work at this place called The Lucky Cowboy a couple times a week depending on how much I make. It’s more like a traditional strip club. It’s mostly gay men, but women come in sometimes because there’s not a lot of options for male strip clubs. We have stages, do dances and rooms. It’s a lot of walking around and flirting and trying to get people to buy dances or rooms or tip you. They’re not supposed to touch us when we’re doing lap dances in g-strings, but it still happens. The rooms supposed to be the same idea, but you kind of have to let them touch you more most of the time if you want to get tipped. Sometimes it’s good enough that it’s enough to just work those two.” Carlos shrugs. He can’t look at TK when he adds. “Some of the guys do handjobs or blowjobs at the Lucky Cowboy, but I don’t really. I don’t like the idea of everyone knowing I’m doing it.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me,” TK says. “But you _can_. I’m still here.”

“I only meet clients outside of the club if I really need the money,” Carlos says. “Sometimes it’s really no big deal. I’ll do bachelor and bachelorette parties with other guys sometimes and it’s just doing a strip tease and dances. That’s how we sell those. But there’s always someone who wants to know if we’ll do more for more money. Sometimes, I just say no if I can afford to. Sometimes…I don’t. Sometimes, I’ll meet the people that I meet in the clubs outside of the club.”

“Can I ask you something?” TK says after Carlos stops talking. Carlos nods. He’s expecting TK to ask for details. To ask just how far he’s gone or what the worse thing that’s happened is. That’s what people always ask, and Carlos hates it, but at least TK has different reasons for wanting the answers.

“So I dated this guy when I was twenty, and his roommate’s boyfriend would sometimes have sex for money. They were all film students, and they always acted like it was just like kissing another actor in a movie. He’d come back to the apartment like he was coming back from a job at a coffee shop and just say things like, ‘oh, he was annoying, but it was an easy handjob.’ Until he gave a detail like that, I just thought he was an assistant or something. But it never seemed to bother any off them, so I didn’t think much about it. But it doesn’t seem like that for you. Is it just a bad time lately, or do you hate it? Because it seems like you hate it.”

Carlos feels himself tearing up as he nods.

“Some people are like that. Iris was like that. Sometimes she even really had fun with it. When I was younger, I kind of had fun when it was just like being paid to party at the club. But now?” Carlos doesn’t want to finish, so he doesn’t.

“That’s what worries me,” TK says. “It seems like it makes you miserable.”

“That’s what Michelle says. She keeps saying I have to stop. But I didn’t go to college. I’ve never done anything else. I don’t have anything to put on a resume. I don’t have the energy to work while paying for school because I’d have to work even more to pay for school. My friend Reese has paid for classes and dropped out so many times because he couldn’t keep up his classes and make enough money to live at the same time. Iris only managed because she wasn’t paying for her classes by herself. She didn’t need to make as much, and she could borrow money from her parents when she really needed it.”

Carlos doesn’t add that sometimes he resented her because it just seemed so much easier for her.

“Hey,” TK says in a soft voice next to him. “Can I hold you? Is that okay?”

There’s nothing Carlos wants more. He tries to make himself small in TK’s arms even though it should be impossible. “I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know what else I’d even want to do. I’m so tired all the time. I can’t even start to think up a plan because that’s too exhausting all on its own. I _hate_ drinking, but I can’t pretend I’m into it unless I drink anymore. I didn’t have to drink so much in the beginning.”

TK holds him and kisses his forehead and Carlos never wants to move.

“I don’t want to assume anything, but maybe we can start with figuring out what else you might want to do. Maybe you just need a brain with more energy. I know I would’ve just sunk into drugs if I didn’t have my dad helping me figure things out.”

Usually no one offers to help him figure it out. Of course, there’s always the customers who want to save him, but the strings attached to that are more than Carlos can handle. Everyone else? They just insist that he can do it if he works hard enough or applies for loans with credit he doesn’t actually have. They throw options at him that require help that isn’t there. Maybe that’s why he nods instead of just telling TK that he doesn’t understand. Maybe it’s because it’s TK, and Carlos wants to make him stay. He’s not the best at asking for help when he needs it, so he knows some of the problem with that is him.

“Can I talk to my dad about it?” TK asks. “You can say no, but he’s so much better at stuff like this than me.”

“He’ll never want you to be with me.”

As soon as he says it, Carlos realizes that it might not matter. TK might not want to be with him now that he knows more about what Carlos does.

“First of all, I don’t think that will be something that makes him not like you. He doesn’t judge people like that. Second, he’s never liked a single one of my boyfriends, and he always pretends that he does and lets me make my own choices, so it doesn’t matter that much if he likes you. Last, he knows how we met, so he already knows that you work at Reveal. I can leave out some of the details, but he’s knows you strip, and he never acted like it was a reason I shouldn’t hang out with you.”

Carlos nods.

“And I know you’re not asking, but I don’t have an answer for you about if I can deal with it if we date. I need to think about it. I know I won’t mind if it’s in the past. But if we get to the point where _I’m_ ready to date, and we haven’t figured out other options for you, I don’t know. But some of that is because it’s clearly hurting you to be doing it. If it was just like acting for you, then that would be a lot easier for me to handle. But I don’t know if I can know that you’re sleeping with other people and suffering for it while we’re dating. Maybe I can, but I just need more time to think about it.

But I’m not dating _anyone_ right now. _And_ I don’t have any other potential options, so I think we should just worry about it when we’re _both_ in a place where it matters.”

Carlos knows that TK’s right. Plus, he knows it’s half the reason his other relationships have failed. There was always a part of him that thought if a guy didn’t care about him having sex with other people, then they didn’t care about him. Iris always said he was being stupid and sabotaging himself. But he could never stop himself from feeling it. That was probably why she had an easier time dating. She accepted herself. She let it be just a job to her. So, the people she dated accepted it too.

Carlos just stays in TK’s arms for a few minutes before realizing that he never actually answered TK’s question. He doesn’t want TK’s father to never see him as worthy of dating TK. But TK also said his dad was his best friend. Michelle’s talked about how close they are, and Carlos knows that she respects him. Also, Carlos knows that he’s adding to TK’s stress, and TK has his own problems. Carlos doesn’t want to be another problem and keep TK from getting support. He knows how much energy it takes to carry other people’s sins and secrets, and with most people, he charges by the half hour.

“You can talk to your dad about it if you want. I don’t think I can talk to him about it myself though.”

“Okay. That’s okay,” TK says. “And I don’t want you to figure out how to quit because you think I’m judging you, okay? I’m not. It’s just that it’s obviously hurting you. It’s not healthy for you for whatever reason, and you shouldn’t feel trapped. I know what it’s like to just be in a spiral and not see a way out. If you change your mind or you get in a better place with it, then I won’t push you to quit.”


	17. For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two

“Dad, I told him that you wouldn’t be weird and judgmental. I can see you judging,” TK knows his dad isn’t perfect. He really does, but he’s a little disappointed. Especially considering that TK _knows_ his father has spent enough time in strip clubs to know how they work.

“I’m trying. I’m trying. It’s just because I can tell that you like him, and you’re my son. It’s nothing against him. I just have to worry when I see you getting mixed up with someone in such a rough situation. But you’re right,” his dad says eventually. “And I _am_ glad you asked for help. This is just a lot. It’s obviously eating at Michelle. It sounds like he stumbled into this without enough thought, and it just spiraled until he lost control of it. I can’t see a lot of options right now, _and_ I know you like him. I’m impressed that you’re not acting on it, but I think it’s only because he’s not in a good place. You’ve always been good at holding back when someone is in a worse place than you.”

TK starts to get up from the kitchen table. Yes, he might have some feelings for Carlos, but it’s not the point. If his dad is just going to focus on that, then he’s not going to have anything to say that TK cares to hear.

“Hey, wait a second. Give me some time. You threw a lot at me here. Let’s just start to break this down,” Owen says, and TK sits back down.

“He’s so sweet. You’ll like him if you give him a chance,” TK says. “He hasn’t told me everything, but I think he had something else planned when he moved here and then when it didn’t work, he fell into this. And unlike me, he doesn’t really have someone who will just pull him out of it. I’m not saying we need to totally save him. If we can just make it so that he’s less overwhelmed…”

Owen nods and TK relaxes. 

“It’s just going to be hard to help without knowing more,” his dad says. “What he needs to do is figure out a budget and where he can cut expenses so that he knows how much he really needs to make with something else. For one thing, it sounds like he’s losing a lot of time to how exhausted it makes him. I can look into some services for him. It sounds like he’s not using anything, but he might actually qualify for some help. He’s going to have to do some of these things himself, but maybe start him with figuring out what he actually needs. Then you can look at what he might want to do. It’s not going to be overnight. And son, that’s what I’m worried about for you. He might not get out of this right away. And if you like him, you might have to figure out if you can deal it.”

“I know.” TK looks at his dad to try and read this expression. “I’m still figuring out how I feel about it.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“I don’t want to get his hopes up right now. We’re _both_ disasters, and I’m not seventeen so I know that’s a bad idea.”

His dad laughs.

“Good to know. This is a new one for you. Your mom will probably love it if you tell her.”

TK rolls his eyes before he can stop himself because he knows it makes his dad remember when he was a teenager.

“ _This_ is not going to be how you win the argument to make me call Mom more. She’ll just be disappointed. You _can’t_ tell her. I’m not a minor. You don’t get to tell her just because she’s my mom.”

“You don’t give her enough credit.”

Sometimes TK wonders if his dad talks up his mom because he thinks it’s healthier for TK or because he’s never completely gotten over her.

***

**Carlos:** Before I met you, I hadn’t cooked since before Iris disappeared.  
 **TK:** Really? I remember you saying it was no big deal…  
 **Carlos:** I wanted to cook for you.  
 **Carlos:** I *do* like to cook. I’ve just been so tired and it’s not the same if it’s just for me.  
 **TK:** I feel like I should warn you that I’m going to let you cook for me as much as you want but I still can’t promise you anything.  
 **Carlos:** I like to cook for my friends. Are you going to stop being my friend?  
 **TK:** No. Of course not.  
 **Carlos:** I should sleep. Why are you awake? I feel like it’s probably bad to text you when I’m drunk.  
 **TK:** On the way back from a call. My sleep schedule gets messed up too. It’s not bad that you drunk text me because I’m an addict if that’s what you’re thinking. You’re not texting me and telling me to drink. You’re just…more honest. You can be honest sober, but if you’re only ready to do it drunk, then I’m not going to tell you to stop.  
 **Carlos:** I’m actually a very good liar when I’m drunk. But I don’t want to lie to you. Once I start, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop and that will ruin everything.  
 **TK:** So don’t lie to me. I won’t lie to you either ok?  
 **Carlos:** That makes me want to ask you a lot of things that I’m not ready to hear the answers too.  
 **TK:** In that case, I will just refuse to answer. Because I’m not ready either.  
 **Carlos:** I should sleep.  
 **TK:** I just got back. I need to sleep while I can so you should sleep too.

***

**Carlos:** I’m working again tonight. At this point, it’s probably pointless to pretend I won’t text you drunk, but I’ll try.  
 **TK:** I feel better that you don’t drink out of work.  
 **Carlos:** I’m sorry.  
 **TK:** Don’t be. I’m kind of impressed that you’re determined to control what you can like that.  
 **Carlos:** I don’t actually even enjoy drinking. I associate it with working so I don’t want to do it on my one time. I actually hate even being around it or at bars when I’m not working. Makes it kind of hard to have a social life.  
 **TK:** Well, thankfully, that is not a problem with me. I’d say you should check out AA just for a social life…but I’m an only child and sometimes bad at sharing. I kind of like how much attention I’m getting.  
 **Carlos:** You really don’t have anything to worry about. 

***

**Carlos:** I hate how everyone else touches me.  
 **TK:** I’m sorry.  
 **Carlos:** Iris used to say that if she slept with someone for money and they thought she was into it, then it was obvious they were bad in bed because they couldn’t tell the difference between real or fake.  
 **TK:** lol. From what my friends who are straight women tell me, she’s probably right.  
 **Carlos:** Gay men can’t tell when I don’t like them either. Women are harder. Iris gave me lessons. I’m supposedly better than most straight men now.  
 **Carlos:** Sorry. I freaked you out, didn’t I?  
 **TK:** No. No. It’s ok. I just don’t know what I should and shouldn’t ask?  
 **TK:** I think I assumed that you’re gay, but I guess you could be bi.  
 **Carlos:** I’m gay. I take Viagra sometimes. Sometimes I can actually mentally get myself there with women depending on a lot of things. Sometimes I need Viagra for the men because I don’t like them either. The right amount of alcohol helps.  
 **TK:** I’m not freaking out. I just don’t know what to say.  
 **Carlos:** I’m sorry. I should sleep.  
 **TK:** You should sleep. But also, don’t wake up and think you messed anything up, okay? You didn’t.

***

**TK:** This is your reminder that you shouldn’t be upset about what you said last night. It didn’t change anything. I already knew this was something you did. I am not an innocent virgin myself. I just hooked up with all these people for free. I don’t think that somehow makes me better than you. And I definitely hooked up with some people I wasn’t really into when I was high.  
 **Carlos:** Thanks. I’m totally burned out so I’ll probably be sleeping most of the day, but thanks for saying that.

***

**TK:** Michelle says you’ll probably be sleeping a couple more days. You don’t have to answer if it’s too much. She seemed to think it was, but I’m bad at not worrying.  
 **Carlos:** I’m okay. She’s right, but I’ll be okay.

***

**Carlos:** I’m sorry. I think I’m alive again now, but you’re probably busy.  
 **TK:** I am free tonight but I work tomorrow.  
 **Carlos:** I can do tonight, but we’ll have to order food. I don’t have time or energy or anything at my apartment.  
 **TK:** You don’t have to cook for me.  
 **Carlos:** Sorry I’m still kind of dead. When I do full service, it just messes me up longer.  
 **TK:** You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but can you clarify what full service is? I think I know but I’m not sure what googling will bring up and if it will even be right. You can also think about if you want to answer and tell me tonight so you can see I’m okay with it.  
 **Carlos:** I’d rather answer on text than in person. Full service is sex. Oral too. Handjobs sort of I guess, but that’s less personal to me, so I think because it messes me up less, I don’t think about it as much. I usually don’t bottom though. Not unless I’m really desperate and/or it’s a lot of money.  
 **TK:** Ok. That’s what I thought, but thanks for clarifying. Also, I’m going to tell you in person that I’m not freaking out about any of that when I see you. And you are letting me buy the takeout since you cook all the time.

***

Carlos still looks tired when he opens the door, and he doesn’t move to hug TK like he did the last time, so TK gives him space.

“You know if you’re too tired to hang out this week, I would’ve been okay,” TK says. “I can still go actually. I _am_ ordering you food either way though. I think I need to see you eat.”

Carlos shies away from his gaze, but he’s smiling when he says. “No. I wanted to see you. I just might not be any fun. Maybe I should’ve warned you, but you just seemed worried, and you work tomorrow and then I’ll have to work when you’re free.”

“I _was_ worried,” TK says. “And it’s okay if you’re not entertaining me. It’s kind of nice. Next time I’m having a breakdown and trying to hide it from everyone, maybe I won’t feel like I have to hide it from you.”

“You really don’t.” Carlos says and TK actually believes him.

They end up watching _Nailed It_ and eating take out. It’s not until the third episode that Carlos moves closer and into TK’s arms. TK’s always been greedy about being held in relationships, but he’s also struggled to feel special in some of his relationships. And this? He knows it’s special.

“Are you working tomorrow?” TK asks in a whisper.

“No. Because I kind of have to work Reveal when I’m expected to on Saturday. And I hate the Friday crowds.” Carlos laughs without energy. “I used to work them all the time when I started and then go work Saturday at Reveal. Now that sounds impossible. I know I used to have more fun then. I just can’t remember it now.”

“I’m not upset about what you do,” TK says. “I can’t pretend I love it. But what worries me is that it makes you sleep for three days. I _know_ some of that is emotional exhaustion. And I’ve only ever been that emotionally exhausted after overdoses that put me in the hospital. You’re hitting that on a regular basis.”

“I know,” Carlos says. He doesn’t add to it, and TK knows he shouldn’t push. The problem isn’t that Carlos doesn’t know he’s miserable. The problem is that he doesn’t see other options.

“I talked to my dad, and for the record, he didn’t say I shouldn’t date you. Well, he kind of said I shouldn’t date you _yet_ , but a lot of that’s me,” TK scratches the back of Carlos’s head because it always relaxes him, and TK wants to make this easier for him. “He said you should figure out what you really need to be making if you consider that maybe with a different job, you won’t need to sleep so much. And maybe you’ll be able to spend less. I mean, you _like_ to cook and _supposedly_ if you have energy for that, it will save you money. That’s just a suggestion of things to consider because I’m not actually expecting you to tell me the details. It’s just a step for you. And my dad says he has a friend who will help make you some kind of resume.”

***

“Maybe you’re not dating him, but you’ve stopped sleeping around,” Paul points out the next day. At least he says it when no one else is around. He’s still not sure he should’ve told Paul anything about Carlos.

“I’m busier,” TK says.

TK doesn’t need Paul’s skills to read Paul’s facial expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is short, but I am going to post an extra chapter this week and Chapter 18 has my favorite scene that I've written in this fic so far. <3


	18. Now this whole world has no clue to do with us

**Carlos:** I don’t want to work tomorrow. I want to have actual, real energy when I see you. I want to cook something that’s actually impressive. When can I see you?  
**TK:** I’m back to Thursday being good. But you realize I’m easily impressed by your cooking, right?  
**Carlos:** I know. But I want to.  
**TK:** I don’t know if I should encourage you to skip work when you normally work or not.  
**Carlos:** It doesn’t matter. I told myself I could skip tomorrow if I made a certain amount last week and today. I made it.  
**Carlos:** And no, it didn’t mean doing anything awful that I wouldn’t have done otherwise. Not tonight anyway. It’s always a weird balance of work and taking a breaks to put my body back together enough to work out enough to keep looking like this. I’ll get an extra workout in before I see you this way.  
**TK:** Well, then you should sleep. I know I’m up because I didn’t get to sleep last night and then I slept late after I got off shift. If you’re off work, why are you awake?  
**Carlos:** I had an easy client at the club, and that’s just a miracle. So I drank so a lot of vodka red bulls to stay awake as long as he need me too. I’m dead tired and wide awake at the same time. It’s awful, but worth it.  
**TK:** That can’t be good for your heart.  
**Carlos:** Am I texting TK or Michelle?  
**TK:** I’m sorry. I did not realize she was the only one allowed to be concerned about your health. You realize most of our calls are medical, so I have to have training too?  
**Carlos:** I know. I know. This is why I will be very healthy the rest of the week. I promise.  
**TK:** That’s…good. Okay. You’re drunk. I’m starting to get tired. We have to stop talking about your body because I will say things.  
**Carlos:** Oh yeah?  
**TK:** I’m going to sleep. If I don’t answer you, that’s why.  
**Carlos:** I see hot naked men so much that I barely notice or care. I didn’t notice anything except your hands and your face the first time I met you. You had such a kind face and your hands were so careful when you touched me. You’re so hard on yourself, but I meet so many people. I forget those people so quickly and I couldn’t get you out of my head.  
**Carlos:** Of course…I’ve noticed your body by now…  
**TK:** Wow. That was nice to wake up to.  
**Carlos:** I’m going back to sleep so I can forget I said all that. Please forget it.  
**TK:** I will not. That might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. I’m saving it.  
**TK:** I may have mentioned your eyes to multiple people. No one has ever looked at me the way you look at me.

***

 **Carlos:** You’re going to have to take leftovers home. I might have gone overboard. Share with your dad and maybe he’ll like me.  
**TK:** I have told you I’m bad at sharing.

***

TK shows up while Carlos is still cooking.

“You know you didn’t have to do any of this for me, right?” TK says as he leans against the counter distracting Carlos with how good he looks.

“I know.” Carlos _does_ know. TK’s held him when he didn’t have the energy to talk. “I just wasn’t lying when I said I like to cook. I guess I’d stopped for so long, that I forgot how much I like it. And it’s better when I can watch someone else enjoy it. By the way, you don’t have to just share with your dad. I mentioned it to Michelle, and she says you have to bring her something at work tomorrow.”

TK sighs dramatically, but his smile is so beautiful that Carlos has to look away or he’ll do something stupid like try to kiss him.

“Sorry I got carried away and nothing is ready.” Mostly, it’s just a waiting game, so at least he can give TK most of his attention.

“I’m here to see you anyway. And I’m obviously about to get spoiled with amazing food, so I’m not complaining.” TK’s left less distance between them than they normally start out with. Maybe he can tell how much Carlos wants him closer. “And it’s making me feel better to see that you actually do enjoy cooking while I just get to eat everything.”

“I like cooking for you.” Carlos is glad he has something else to focus on when he talks because honesty still feels like a lot. Half the reason he lies at work is because he’s learned rejection is easier to take if they’re not really rejecting _him_. “I feel like you’re just taking care of me all the time because I’m a mess, but that’s not really how I like to be in relationships. I like to take care of people. Cooking for you helps me feel like I’m doing it a little.”

“You’re not just a mess, but you’re welcome to do all the taking care of me that you want today. I feel like I’ve been misleading you anyway. Because if things were switched, I’d just enjoy it. If you spoil me, I will let you.”

***

Maybe Paul is right and he’s in denial about his relationship with Carlos. Because TK can rationalize the cuddling that they normally do. He hugs his friends. He hugs and cuddles with his parents more than most people his age. He can honestly say that if they were just friends, he would still want to give Carlos some physical affection that was safe.

That logic doesn’t work when TK’s curled up in Carlos’s arms and it doesn’t feel at all like when he pouts at Paul so that Paul will let him cuddle. It’s as amazing as TK knew it would be. He just wants to stay where he is forever with his head on Carlos’s chest and strong arms keeping him safe. They’ve never really been platonic, but TK can’t even _pretend_ when he feels like this.

And he knows that Carlos had sex with someone else last week. Carlos didn’t want to, but it still happened, and no one forced him to do it.

“Can I ask you some questions?” TK asks. “You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want to.”

“Are you asking because you’re curious or because you’re trying to figure out if you can handle dating me while I’m still doing this?”

“The second one. I still think we should wait until I’ve figured it out more, but I think I need to know more. I’m sorry if that’s not fair. I know that maybe it would be better if I could just say that this is your job and it’s work. And we’re not work. But I’m still figuring that out.”

When Carlos answers, it’s not what TK is expecting.

“I was talking to Reese about you on Saturday in the dressing room,” Carlos says. “He’s very invested.”

“Reese?” TK asks.

“He’s the guy that found you downstairs. He’s invested, and he’s also taking all the credit for bringing you to me if this works out.”

TK laughs and cuddles closer.

“I would’ve met you when Michelle was in the hospital, but I should still thank him—if only because even if your cut wasn’t that bad, it might have gotten infected or something. It was bad enough that _someone_ should have looked at it,” TK says.

Michelle got back to him eventually, but Carlos is glad TK was there anyway, so he doesn’t point that out.

“Reese says I need to talk to you more and stop thinking it’s all or nothing. Some people really do need the person they’re dating to just be okay with whatever. Tyson’s like that. He needs that. His ex actually got him into sex work, and he liked it too much for her. It was really a mess. She wasn’t homophobic until her boyfriend realized he liked guys too and started sleeping with them. He’s dating another guy we work with now,” Carlos says. “But I can’t even imagine doing that. I’ve never been able to date guys who really, really don’t care. I’ve always thought that just made it impossible, but Reese says I just have to talk to you about it. Because I don’t think _I_ can be okay doing full service if we’re also sleeping together, so it might not matter if you’re okay with it. But right now, sometimes I feel like I have to. But maybe what I do at Reveal would be okay while I’m still trying to quit. Maybe it doesn’t matter yet because I’m not there, but you shouldn’t feel bad if you’re not just okay with everything. Maybe I’d feel differently if I was like Tyson, but I’m not, so it doesn’t matter.”

“It still helps me understand it more if you can talk to me about it,” TK says even though he can’t deny sometimes it’s hard to hear. “Maybe it’s easier to tell me what you don’t do. You said you almost never bottom. Is there anything else?”

“It’s really typical, but kissing. Which is something a lot of people know because media always picks up on it because it’s common—which is annoying because then people want you to do it more. Like they think it’s proof you actually like them if you’ll kiss them, so they push for it.”

“That’s messed up. For the record, I only want you to kiss me if you want to.”

Carlos groans but when TK tries to pull away so he can see Carlos’s face, Carlos gently tightens his hold so TK can’t look at his face.

“I _do_ want to kiss you. A lot,” Carlos says, and then it’s TK who can’t look at him because he’ll do something that he shouldn’t and get carried away. “So yeah, it is because it’s more personal that a lot of us don’t do it. But it’s not _just_ that.”

“It’s not?”

“The thing is that even if you’re hooking up with a different person every weekend, you’re still kissing one guy a week, maybe two. Sometimes, I talk to twenty guys in a night. Iris tried to count once on a Saturday night, and she gave up after twenty-five and that was so early that she’d probably talked to over fifty guys that night. There’s no such thing as mouth condoms. If I kissed guys on a regular basis, I’d just be sick all the time. It still happens sometimes. I can’t promise that it doesn’t because sometimes I get tired of arguing. Sometimes they just kiss me even after I say no because they don’t think kissing is such a big deal, so they don’t think it’s a big deal to kiss me after I’ve said no.”

“How do you not completely hate people?”

“I do a lot of the time,” Carlos admits. “But my point is, even people who don’t mind it emotionally realize that they don’t want to kiss twenty people a night because they’ll get sick and not be able to work. Honestly, Tyson has said he would make out with everyone if he could, but he still tries not to. It’s just not _hygienic_. The only time I kiss anyone at work is when women want to pay us to kiss each other. I know it’s just encouraging them to have a gross fetish, but if I’m making out with Reese, then they’re usually not touching me, and Reese is my friend so I generally know where his mouth has been.”

The grimace on Carlos’s face when TK looks at him makes him laugh. “Okay. That’s fair. I really never thought of it that way. But yes, I can see how it would be a germ problem.”

“I _do_ think I can be okay with the stage shows and dances you do at Reveal,” TK says because now he’s thinking about his own kissing habits. “Just for the record. And I think I wanted kissing for myself if we’re dating before you pointed out the hygiene angle, but now I’m really there.”

TK turns in so he’s lying in Carlos’s lap and looking up at Carlos for the next part. “But I’m not going to be mad at _you_ if someone kisses you after you tell them no. They shouldn’t be doing something you didn’t say they could do no matter what. It’s not your fault if it happens. You don’t have to tell me if it happens and you’re too upset to talk about it, but you _can_. If it happens and talking about it helps, I won’t get mad at you.”

TK looks away when he adds. “Not that we’re at the point of me saying you shouldn’t do things anyway. I’m just saying, if we get there. And maybe by then, I figure out how I feel about you making out with Reese. Because I _do_ see why making out with your friend, who you feel safe with, would be better than having to let strangers touch you.”

“We can talk about it eventually. For the record, it really does feel like acting. It’s not even like I really kiss because we’re trying to put on a show. I kissed Reese for real once just because he was curious how I actually kiss, and he said we should never do that again because it would ruin our friendship.”

TK laughs. “Fair. I will consider that.”

Again, Carlos goes on a tangent TK didn’t expect instead of answering what they were talking about.

“I don’t know if I can ever bottom for you,” Carlos says. “Kissing, I can say that’s a thing that’s just for us. But bottoming, it’s…it was hard for me to be comfortable with before this. Now…I’m not sure I’ll ever _want_ to do it again.”

“Then I won’t ask,” TK says quickly. “Honestly, it’s not something I want a lot anyway so it’s not hard to just go without it. If you didn’t already figure this out, I’m very much a bottom. Switching back and forth is great for other people and all that, but you kind of emanate _top_ even when you’re letting me hold you and I’m into that.”

TK looks up at Carlos with a smile he knows would make Judd call him a brat and he gets the exact frustrated groan he was hoping for.

“You do _not_ make it easy to be good,” Carlos says.

“To be fair, I’m not really trying tonight.”

***

When Carlos packs up a ridiculous amount of food for him at the end of the night, TK _does_ feel better about everything. It’s possible that his therapist was right and talking about things helps more than he wants to admit. But it’s also because _Carlos_ was so much more awake and happy. It makes TK want to get him out of his situation even more now that he’s seen what a difference an extra day off makes.

But this version of Carlos is also a lot harder to resist.

“I’m not asking. I’m really not asking, and you should feel zero pressure,” TK says when he’s getting ready call a car. “But if you decide you want to kiss me at some point, you can.”

“Did you already call your ride?” Carlos asks.

“I can wait.”

“No, no. I need you to do that so I have something to make me stop,” Carlos says instead.

TK almost says it doesn’t matter because he could cancel it, but he knows he shouldn’t push. Maybe if things were different, it wouldn’t feel like pushing. But Carlos has his boundaries pushed all the time, and TK doesn’t want to be like that at all. So he grins and calls a ride.

“We have ten minutes. Not my fault it’s that long. Blame this crazy state.”

When Carlos steps closer, cups his cheek, and looks into his eyes, TK feels a little guilty for thinking that he sees exactly why people pay hundreds and hundreds to thousands of dollars to be with him. But he forgets all those people when Carlos kisses him. Carlos kisses him like he’s special, like he thinks kissing TK is privilege when TK thinks it should be the opposite. It’s slow and tender and controlled and TK understands for the first time why the authors in the novels he was forced to read in high school made such a big deal about just kissing. Ten minutes is a good amount of time to explore but somehow Carlos never lets it get rough. It’s enough time for Carlos to take his breath away by pressing soft kisses down his neck and behind his ear before moving back to TK’s mouth. By the time his phone vibrates, TK’s completely incapable of pushing because he just wants to feel what Carlos wants to give him. TK whines when Carlos pulls away and Carlos smiles at him before pressing one last kiss to his lips.

The whole ride home, TK is incapable of making small talk with the driver. When he gets home, his dad reads him with a single look the way he did when TK came home from a good date in high school.

“I’m home. We didn’t have sex. We just kissed and just at the end of the night. Can I just be happy now, and you can make me deal with reality tomorrow?” TK says as he takes the bag of food into the kitchen. “He made me dinner and there are leftovers. You can have some if we can just talk about this tomorrow.”

To his surprise, his dad just laughs.

“Yeah. I would’ve let you wait even without the food, but I haven’t had a home-cooked meal that I didn’t cook myself in too long.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to figure out how to put up my soundtrack for this but I can't figure out how to do it without having any identifying info on it.
> 
> Also, I have been so impatient to get this chapter out since I first wrote it.


	19. Tonight, the foxes hunt the hounds

**Michelle:** So…you saw TK last night.  
**Carlos:** Why is there a tone so obvious that I can hear it over text?  
**Michelle:** Because.  
**Carlos:** I have no idea what you are even trying to ask.  
**Michelle:** Ugh. I don’t either because I don’t want to upset you if his mood isn’t about you.  
**Carlos:** Good mood?  
**Michelle:** Yes.  
**Carlos:** We *did* kiss before he left.  
**Michelle:** Well, his face says it went well.  
**Carlos:** I never wanted it to end. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want anyone else touching me.  
**Michelle:** I’ll make you a deal.  
**Carlos:** It’s unfair that you’re doing this when I’m at a disadvantage.  
**Michelle:** It’s a one-time thing. You can work Reveal Saturday. My mom needs some help with the yard and the gutters and everything and she doesn’t want to hire anyone. If I say you could use the money, she’ll cave, but I’m really asking you because she shouldn’t be doing it.  
**Carlos:** I would make time to help your mom for free.  
**Michelle:** She won’t let you. I know it’s probably not as good as you’d make working Sunday and Monday, but maybe it’s enough to take a little break. It will help me. If it helps you, then that’s just a plus.  
**Carlos:** Okay.  
**Michelle:** Okay? Really? You’re not arguing?  
**Carlos:** TK might be convincing me that I need to let people help me more.  
**Michelle:** I support this.  
**Carlos:** Maybe I’m just too tired to argue with you.  
**Michelle:** Then take this break. It’ll be gross hard work anyway. I’m not really doing you a favor.

***

 **Carlos:** I’m only working Reveal this week. Michelle has talked me into working for her mom on some things around the house Monday so I can take extra days off.  
**TK:** Yeah? Does that mean I get to see you more?  
**Carlos:** Probably. I mean, cleaning out her gutters might make me just as physically tired. But it won’t make me not want to see anyone and I will definitely want to see you.  
**TK:** Well, if you’re tired, then you can let me bring take out.  
**Carlos:** Okay. But I might want to cook if I’m not tired. I’ve been thinking of trying some new things.

***

Carlos knows Reese is going to give him shit for skipping The Lucky Cowboy after he already skipped a shift the previous week. But they usually warn each other when they’re not working. Reese isn’t Iris, but he never was. Working with Iris was never in the club. He and Iris had to have their own friends when it came to working the clubs. Carlos knows that he can trust Reese, and that’s not something he can say about a lot of his friends. To be fair, maybe he could try trusting more people than he does, but he’s been burned too much, and no one will be like Iris anyway. Either way, knowing he has Reese to entertain him and back him up helps a lot when he’s not motivated to go to work. He appreciates when Reese warns him if he’s going to be alone, so he always returns the favor.

“Is this a TK thing?” Reese asks. “Because I really want to like him, but if it’s because he can’t handle your job, then I hope he’s paying you.”

“It’s a Michelle making excuses to pay me thing,” Carlos says before admitting, “But maybe TK’s my motivation for letting her. But he didn’t say I needed to. I just want to have more energy when I see him.”

“And you’re still just friends?”

Carlos can’t help smiling when he says. “Technically.”

Reese grins and sits on the counter.

“Spill.”

“We kissed.”

“Okay, for most people I would say that’s nothing. But for you? Does he know what that means to you?”

Honestly, Carlos is surprised Reese is being so serious and not just squealing about how dreamy TK is the way he has been. He knows how long Carlos has been completely single, and he’s as surprised as Carlos that Carlos is even thinking about dating someone.

“He does. We talked about it. He’s trying to understand everything. He really is.”

Reese nods seriously, but before Carlos can worry that he’s going to uncharacteristically serious, Reese sighs dramatically.

“Does this mean we can’t do the boyfriend thing and make out for money anymore? Because I need to know if I shouldn’t be selling it.”

Carlos hesitates. Technically, he can still do whatever he wants. But they haven’t actually talked about the kiss since the kiss or if it changes anything.

“If you have no idea, then you can do whatever you want,” Reese says. “He knows what you do.”

“I _know_. But we did talk about how I don’t usually kiss anyone. And he knows about you and how we sell that, but he said he didn’t know how he’d feel about it if we were dating.”

Of course, they’re not dating. Carlos knows that. He’s still doing sex work if it seems like it’s financially worth it. And he really doesn’t see kissing Reese as the same thing. He can’t pretend he hates doing it, but it’s different. Half of the reason he sort of enjoys it is because it means making money without doing something he doesn’t want to do.

“Okay. Crazy idea. Ask him,” Reese says. “Because I’m not going to sell it if it’s going to freak you out, but unless you actually don’t want to do it, then I still think we should sell it. Yes, that’s because I want money and sometimes it’s really easy money, but it’s worth asking.”

“We’re not together. He might think it’s weird if I ask.”

“Then he’s weird and needs to learn how to communicate. Seriously. Text him.”

 **Carlos:** I know we’re not a couple, but we kissed and we didn’t talk about it. Are you going to be upset if I make out with Reese tonight at work?

TK doesn’t answer right away. It’s fair. TK’s not at work but that doesn’t mean he’s attached to his phone. Carlos should’ve dealt with this sooner than twenty minutes before he has to go on stage for the first time.

But then TK starts typing and stops. Whoever invented those little dots is evil.

“Don’t freak out. Seriously. If you want to skip it tonight, I’m not that broke.” Reese moves closer and leans his head on Carlos’s shoulder. Carlos rests his head on top of Reese’s. Somehow, he’s never thought too much about how comfortable he is with Reese’s touch. Probably because they rarely manage to hang out when they’re not at work and once they start working, they’re Marco and Reese more than Carlos and Javon. Carlos has never switched Reese’s name in his head the way that he did Iris because he almost never uses it.

 **TK:** Sorry. I had to think about it because I didn’t want to lie and say I don’t care at all. I will be a little jealous even if I don’t have a right to be. But also, I know it keeps you from doing things that you don’t want to do. And I know it’s not like you get the option to do one or the other at the same time. If you make money that way, you won’t have to do something later.  
**TK:** So I’ll deal with it. I don’t want you doing something that you don’t want to do because you need money and I said you can’t make out with Reese. It’s okay.  
**Carlos:** You don’t have to say that if it’s really going to bother you.  
**TK:** No. I mean it. I really don’t want it to be my fault that you have to do something you don’t want to do. I care more about you than I’m jealous.  
**Carlos:** Are you sure?  
**TK:** I’m sure. I hope you have a good shift. I’m still not sure what that means because your job is weird, but I know you’re happier when you have a good shift.  
**Carlos:** Mostly it just means that I make a lot of money without anything bad happening.  
**TK:** That makes sense.  
**TK:** This is why I won’t be mad if you make out with Reese. It’s really okay. I’ll see you Wednesday. 😘  
**Carlos:** Okay. You know I’m probably going to text you later anyway.  
**TK:** I like your texts. Drunk Carlos has the most unique random compliments.

***

 **Carlos:** I swear when I just don’t care about this job, I’m better at it. All the women tipped me. I feel less guilty about skipping The Lucky Cowboy.  
**TK:** You shouldn’t feel guilty. You’re helping Michelle’s mom.  
**Carlos:** This is half a way for her to give me money so I don’t work.  
**TK:** You’re still cleaning gutters, so it doesn’t matter. You’re working. You deserve to get paid.  
**Carlos:** Yeah, well, Michelle loves you, because I gave in to her plot very easily.  
**TK:** I’m fine with that. You need a break. There’s nothing wrong with letting her help you get it.  
**Carlos:** I think it just felt like I needed so much help that there was no point. I mean, she can’t pay me every week.  
**TK:** I know. But take it this week.  
**Carlos:** I guess I never thought about how most people do have more help until you said it.  
**TK:** You’re not doing this by yourself. Even if we’re not dating. I’m helping, Michelle is helping, my dad is helping.  
**Carlos:** I still don’t know how your dad could like me.  
**TK:** Because I’ve been happier since the last time I saw you than I’ve been since I moved here.  
**Carlos:** I should tell you something…  
**TK:** Okay. Tell me.  
**Carlos:** I did do the thing where Reese and I pretend we’re together to get a lot of tips. And so we made out.  
**TK:** It’s okay. I told you it was okay.  
**Carlos:** Are you sure you’re not mad?  
**TK:** Are you okay?  
**Carlos:** Yeah. It wasn’t a great night, but decent and nothing bad happened.  
**TK:** Okay. That’s what matters. I promise. It’s okay.  
**Carlos:** You know how when you hug your friends it’s good but it’s not like when you hug someone you’re dating?  
**TK:** Yes?  
**Carlos:** Making out with Reese is like that.  
**TK:** Okay.  
**Carlos:** I haven’t dated in a really long time. I think maybe occasionally making out with my friends probably helped. I’ve also made out with Iris. And that was obviously nothing like you.  
**TK:** I guess that makes sense. Sort of. I mean, I hug and cuddle my friends and my dad a lot and I do it even more when I’m single, but I knew you were different even before we kissed. But I haven’t made out with my friends on a regular basis since I’ve been sober.  
**Carlos:** Before you, I kind of thought I was too broken to want something like this ever again. Not just dating. I thought I’d never want to have sex again. I thought I’d never really *want* anyone to touch me like that again unless I was drinking.  
**TK:** I should tell you to go to sleep now.  
**Carlos:** Okay.  
**TK:** I want you too. Just so you know.  
**TK:** And don’t wake up and worry that I’m mad about Reese. It’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Kamala Harris was the only candidate in the primaries who said that after she learned more and talked to sex workers, she supported decriminalizing sex work.
> 
> This scene made me miss my best work partner. She was planning to go back to the club today but my city shut down bars again. I can truthfully say that I’ve spent more time making out with her in the last five years than anyone that I’ve dated. There are about five other dancers that I’ve run this game with about at least two of them are straight. I’ve made out with both halves of the same couple. Yes, I know it’s kind of bad to make men fetishize lesbians more. Yes, I do know from friends that men do this too. Carlos’s two jobs are based off of two different friends I have. One mostly works at Reveal-type places, does some full service and porn. One works at the place Lucky Cowboy is based off of.


	20. We're rock bottom but there ain't no stopping

**Carlos:** Are you sure you’re not upset?  
**TK:** About knowing I’m so amazing that I made you want sex again? Definitely not.  
**Carlos:** 🤦🏽♂  
**TK:** My boyfriend didn’t just break up with me and cheat on me. He told me he was in love with someone else after I asked him to marry me. I thought I’d never feel like I wanted to try again. And maybe now I do. So it’s not just you.  
**Carlos:** Yeah?  
**TK:** I still need to figure some things out. I don’t want to make you think I’m sure about anything. But it’s not all about your job? I just didn’t come down here because I wanted to. I don’t know how I feel about Texas. I know everyone says Austin isn’t like the rest of Texas, but I think those people probably haven’t lived in NYC.  
**Carlos:** It’s okay. That makes sense. I’m not saying it won’t suck if you leave. But unless you’re going to stop talking to me, we’ll be friends somehow.  
**TK:** I won’t. I did stop talking to a lot of my New York friends. But you already know I’m a mess. I don’t have to hide it. It’s different.  
**Carlos:** I think I’m more of a mess than you.  
**TK:** Because you have different standards. We’re just both messes in different ways.  
**Carlos:** That’s fair. I still want to see you on Wednesday.

***

“You ready to talk to me about what that smile is about?” Judd asks. It’s been a slow day but the one call they had early in the evening was crazy enough. TK’s given up predicting the weird calls they get in this crazy state.

“I’m telling my mom how you’re afraid of snakes.”

Judd sighs. “Look, you don’t have to tell me, but don’t lie to me.”

“It’s just complicated.”

“Your dad know about it?”

“Yeah. He knows.”

“Okay.”

TK’s not expecting that. He looks up from where he’s been restocking the supplies on one of the trucks.

“I’m not making you tell me, but if I did something to make you think you couldn’t, I’m sorry,” Judd says. “I know I didn’t really understand when you were hooking up a lot, but it wasn’t something I was holding against you.”

“It’s just complicated.”

“Okay. Well, if there’s something I can help with, you let me know.”

TK nods. He believes Judd wants to help. But he’s not sure Judd won’t judge Carlos or say that TK shouldn’t even consider dating someone who might still be having sex with other people. TK’s dad is already worried enough about it.

***

**TK:** I have plans for us for tomorrow if you’re tired. You will not be disappointed in my food choice. But I can also save my ideas for later because I’m never going to not let you cook for me. Especially after taking an extra shift.  
**Carlos:** You know that you could bring me bad barbeque and I’d make fun of you but still want you, right?  
**TK:** OMG I have heard enough from Judd not to guess on barbeque.  
**Carlos:** Noted. I’m sure you’ll impress me.  
**TK:** I have to. You’re the only person in my life consistently impressed by me. Well, and Mateo, but he’s basically a puppy. He loves everyone and thinks we’re all great. He’s also always impressed by Judd, so clearly the bar is low.  
**Carlos:** You love Judd.  
**TK:** Ugh. Don’t tell anyone.

***

Cleaning gutters isn’t fun work, but Carlos would still do it for free if Iris’s mom would let him. She and Michelle knew him as Iris’s best friend. How they didn’t change their minds about him when Iris disappeared and they found out the truth, he’ll never understand. Yes, maybe he took care of Iris physically, but she was really always the one trying to protect him. So, watching out for her mom so she doesn’t try to clean her own gutters is the least Carlos can do. He didn’t protect Iris. Now, he tries to help take care of her family since she can’t.

Though Michelle didn’t have to tell her mom about TK so that she could tease Carlos about him.

Still, he caves and shows Iris’s mom some of the selfies TK sent him.

“He’s a handsome one,” she says, and Carlos can’t help smiling and looking at the picture again. He loves TK’s smile. All Carlos’s favorite selfies are the ones with his smile.

***

**Carlos:** I’m so exhausted. It’s probably good. It will help me control myself when I see you.  
**TK:** Well, I might be exhausted when I see you, too. We’re on a call, but we can’t go in because they need to talk this guy down. This is clearly not a night where we’re just going to get to go to sleep tonight. He has a knife so of course the guy in the house has a gun. Because guns help things. 🙄  
**Carlos:** Be careful.  
**TK:** I’ll be okay. We aren’t going in until they talk this guy down and they might not even need us because if they get him out, it’s just a mental thing so if he doesn’t go with us, we’ll just leave. And even then, he’s go with EMS because Michelle’s on the way. I was just hoping to sleep tonight and not fall asleep on you. I’ll have to stop texting once we go in btw.  
**Carlos:** No problem. I always understand that. Text me when you can. And I’m not going to complain if you fall asleep on me.  
**Carlos:** I know you’re probably tired and you just crashed, but let me know you’re okay? Michelle hasn’t answered my texts either.

***

Michelle almost never calls him. Carlos knows it’s not good when she does. He still always answers.

“Hey. I’m sorry. Something happened, but he’s alive,” Michelle says as soon as he answers.

“What? Why is that a question?” Carlos asks as he gets up and starts to get dressed.

“There was a kid with a gun. TK broke down the door because we needed to get to a patient in cardiac arrest. The kid got scared and shot him. I got to the scene right as it happened. I did everything I could Carlos. Marjan was doing everything right when I got there. He should be out of surgery soon.”

“Which hospital?”

Carlos doesn’t think about how he hasn’t met any of TK’s friends until he’s at the hospital asking for Tyler Kennedy Strand. He’s still cursing the car accident that slowed his rush to the hospital, and he’s only thinking about TK. He’s heard about TK’s friends. He’s seen pictures of all of them. But he’s not sure how many of them know that he exists. At least Michelle finds him first.

“Owen’s with him now,” Michelle says. “He’s out of surgery. They think the surgery was successful, but he hasn’t woken up.”

“Should he have woken up?”

“Maybe? But he could wake up at any time.”

Carlos knows when she’s just trying to make him feel better, but he can’t say that because he wants TK to be okay.

“Come on. Owen will understand why you’re here.” Michelle has to lead him because he feels like he can’t move on his own. Part of him doesn’t want to see this amazing, sweet man lying in bed and not moving.

Owen looks up at him as soon as he steps in the doorway.

“Carlos?” Owen asks, and Carlos can only nod.

“Would you like some time with him?”

“I don’t want to impose.” Carlos’s eyes flick to TK in the bed and back to his father.

“No. I think he’d appreciate it. I know I would.” Owen stands up. Carlos can see him move like he’s going to clap his hand Carlos’s arm or shoulder before he pulls back, nods and leaves.

Carlos sits down next to TK. TK’s always invited Carlos to touch, so he doesn’t hesitate to hold TK’s arm and run his fingers through TK’s hair.

“TK, you have to wake up for me, okay? I still need you. Please. I already lost Iris. I can’t lose you, too. I can’t.”

Carlos almost never loses it. He’s practiced at holding everything in. But TK just came in, made him feel things again, gave him hope. And now he might not wake up. Carlos rests his head on the bed and just lets the tears fall out of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Listen, no one is madder at this chapter than TK.


	21. There's a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take

Carlos knows it’s Owen who comes back in the room because even though it’s the first time Carlos has met him, he walks like TK. Carlos didn’t know he’d memorized TK’s gait, but he’s not surprised. He always felt like his time with TK was special, and he wanted to remember everything with TK as much as he wanted to forget other things in this life.

“He’s tough. They said he can wake up any minute. He’ll do it when he’s ready,” Owen says.

Carlos nods and wipes his face. He should get up. Give Owen the chair close to TK’s bed, but Carlos doesn’t want to let TK go.

“It’s okay. He’d want you here. I know that much,” Owen says. He walks around to TK’s other side and sits at the foot of the bed. “Michelle got a call to go help someone, but she’ll be back. I told her I’d stay with you. I’ve been wanting to meet you anyway, but TK wanted to keep you to himself.”

Carlos just nods because he has no idea what to say to TK’s dad. He’s as kind as TK insisted. He doesn’t sound like he’s judging Carlos for what he knows.

“He needed someone who wasn’t at the station,” Owen says gently. “He said he could talk to you about things he couldn’t talk to anyone else about because he never felt like you judged him. It meant a lot to him. It’s helped him a lot.”

“He helped me,” Carlos says. No matter how much TK insisted that he had just as much baggage, it never seemed like he did.

“You’re welcome to stay with him as much as you want. I told everyone else not to bother you about it.”

It’s a lot. TK said so many good things about his father, but this is more kindness than Carlos ever expected.

“Thanks. He always spoke so highly of you, but I’m not good at expecting people to be good.” Carlos moves his hand down to hold TK’s hand. His a little obsessed with TK’s hands. The way he was so gentle when Carlos was hurt and scared is something Carlos will never forget.

“It sounds like you trusted that _he_ was good,” Owen says.

“I wanted to. And then he’s never done anything to mess that up. I meet so many people who are horrible, and I can tell the world has no idea how horrible they are. But then I recognize it. Like Billy. When Michelle dated him, Iris and I both knew he was awful. We _knew_. And sometimes it just makes me not want to be around so that I don’t have to watch other people take a long time to realize how awful someone they care about is. Because it never works to just tell them.

But TK’s so hard on himself. He’s not perfect. I know that. But he’s _good_. And that’s a lot harder to find in people than any of the normal things people think are important. Most of my friends are messed up somehow anyway.” It’s probably too much, but maybe not. Because Carlos is saying it to one of the other people in TK’s life who really sees it.

“He _is_ good. And kind. His mother and I will always be proud of that before anything else,” Owen says. “ _And_ that’s all we want in the people he cares about too. Everything else can get sorted out.”

Carlos is grateful that Owen doesn’t comment when Carlos wipes away fresh tears.

***

Carlos already likes Owen as much as TK said that he would when TK’s crew starts to come in, but it’s multiplied when Judd’s wife goes to touch his arm to lead him out of the room, and Owen gently redirects her. Carlos knows she didn’t really do anything wrong. It was friendly and welcoming. It’s sweet that she just met him, but she’s making sure he eats as if he’s just as important to care for as Owen. But TK must have said that Carlos wouldn’t like being touched without permission, and Owen remembered. Grace recovers without saying anything and then just pretends it didn’t happen. Carlos is sure she knows nothing about him or why he might not want to be touched, but she doesn’t seem to hold it against him at all.

When he gets back, Judd only nods to him before leaving.

“TK’s not ashamed of you,” Owen says after everyone else is gone again. It’s probably because it was obvious that only Paul knew Carlos existed even though Carlos recognized all of TK’s co-workers from pictures and stories that TK shared. “He’s just protective of you. And also, I think he wanted to keep you for himself. I think he just didn’t trust them with you yet.”

Carlos nods and looks down at the man he already misses so much. “I know. I did need the reminder, but I know. He asked if it was okay to tell you because he wanted to respect my privacy. So, I knew he wasn’t telling anyone very much until he felt like he had my permission. He’s so careful about making sure he gets consent for everything because he knows it’s important to me.”

“First, I wish we lived in a world where that wasn’t special to you. Second, can I please tell his mother you said that? Because she will be so proud, and he’s going to have to deal with the cat being out of the bag now anyway. I really should tell her now that so many other people know about you,” Owen says with a smile Carlos doesn’t understand.

“Do you want to tell her everything?” Carlos can’t help asking.

“Honestly, once I give her anything, she’ll get it out of me eventually,” Owen says with a grimace. “But she’s not going to hold anything against you. She’ll probably have an easier time than I did—and I promise that doesn’t mean I was judging you. I just worry about TK in different ways than she does.”

Carlos nods. He can’t pretend he’s completely okay with TK’s mother knowing what he does. But he wants to be. Because he wants it to actually be okay for people to know what he does when they’re not doing it themselves. The issue isn’t that Michelle, or TK or Owen have made him ashamed of his life. He’s done that to himself. Maybe it’s just growing up in one of the most conservative states that did it. Maybe it’s the comments that people make in front of him sometimes when they don’t know what he does. The little lines in TV shows and books about strippers and hookers that people put in for laughs. The way they can make movies where sex workers are killed by clients as a _comedy_ when he’s never going to see Iris again.

Michelle makes him leave the hospital when she gets back half an hour later. Carlos doesn’t resist because he’s already probably stayed too long. At home, he curls up with the ridiculous teddy bear Iris bought him because she said no one was ever too old for comfort stuffed animals.

***

Carlos isn’t sure that he should go back to the hospital the next day. He doesn’t know how much everyone else will want him there even if Owen said he was welcome.

So, he does what he always does when he isn’t sure people like him, but he wants to feel welcome. He cooks. He cooks enough and makes sure that there is something for anyone who might not like meat or might not like spicy food.

When he gets to the hospital, he’s not expecting Judd to be alone in TK’s room. He almost turns around and hides until Owen comes back, but Judd sees him at the door, so he doesn’t have a choice.

“The captain went home to shower. Grace has a way of getting people to take care of themselves when they don’t want to. I said I’d stay with TK just in case he wakes up,” Judd says before turning to address TK, “Hey TK. Your man’s here. If you want to keep me from trying to get to know him, you should wake up now.”

TK doesn’t react.

“It was worth a shot,” Judd says and nods to the bags in Carlos’s hands. “That for the captain?”

Carlos rubs the back of his neck after he puts the bags down. “It’s for anyone. I figured whoever was here would be sick of hospital cafeteria food. And…I said I’d make him dinner this week again, so I had things already.”

Judd grins. “In that case, maybe he’ll wake up if he sees me eating the food that was supposed to be for his date. You got anything that isn’t too spicy?”

Carlos can feel his face get hot, so he looks down to find something appropriate for Judd.

“We’re not really dating exactly,” Carlos says because it’s true.

“That’s what the captain said. Refused to give me details though. Said he wasn’t sure that was okay with you.”

Carlos passes him a container and a fork and hopes the food will distract him. It does for a minute. Or maybe Judd’s just giving him false security. Maybe he’s nice enough that he wants to give Carlos space to sit next to TK and hold his hand for a minute because it’s obvious that it’s what Carlos really wants.

“No one is as surprised as me, but I’m not asking to give you some kind of shovel talk,” Judd says eventually. _Maybe_ he’s kinder that Carlos gave him credit for. “I can recognize a trauma response when it happens. And I can’t imagine TK wanting to push if it’s fresh. I’m not saying you have to tell me. You don’t. I wouldn’t bring it up, but I did hear Owen telling someone that you were in some kind of hard spot, and he and TK weren’t sure how to get you out. I know they have a habit of closing ranks and trying to do everything themselves, but they don’t know as many people here. In my experience, more people on a problem can help it get worked out.”

Carlos doesn’t know what to say. He knows just from the comments TK and Michelle have made that Judd is religious. He can’t imagine that leads to a positive reaction to what he does. Sure, Carlos has met his share of old, Christian, white men who like him at night. Usually they have a picture of their kids on their phones when they explain to Carlos that they aren’t really gay but they’d like him to come back to their hotel. Judd doesn’t give him _that_ vibe, but Carlos can’t be sure he’ll be as understanding as Owen.

“Okay,” Judd says. “That’s all right then.”

Then he goes right back to his food. Carlos wonders how long Owen’s been gone and when he’ll come back. Maybe Carlos should make up an excuse to leave, but then he’d have to leave TK, so Carlos stays. The silence isn’t as bad as Carlos expected.

“I don’t know that I really have PTSD. I’ve never been to a doctor for it,” Carlos says after a bit because that’s probably safe. And he _does_ feel bad about reacting to Grace’s kindness the way that he did. “Can you have PTSD over something that’s just kind of bad over a long time but is also kind of your own fault?”

“Well,” Judd says. “That probably depends on if it’s really your fault or something’s just made you think that, and also what your definition of bad is. But there is a kind of PTSD that’s over something that’s gone on a long time.”

“What if it’s not really _post_?”

“Then you’re really falling deeper into the part where I can’t answer you. Everything I know is about myself, but I can give you all kinds of resources if you can be more specific. Or hell, I can call Grace and she’ll just bring everything she can think of from financial problems to domestic violence to sex trafficking, but that kind of leaves you on your own to use them and sort through it all. But I’m also sure that if you don’t want me to know, she’ll sit down with you and point you in the right direction, and I won’t ask.”

Carlos looks up at him then. TK’s said that Owen was looking into resources, but this seems so much less vague.

“But it’s not…it’s not something anyone is forcing me to do. It’s not like that,” Carlos says. He can’t actually say he’s not getting abused, because that happens, and he’s knows it’s wrong, but he’s also choosing to do something where it really is _expected_ to happen.

“If you can’t see a way out, then it doesn’t matter if it’s not something specific making it happen. That might mean figuring out how to combine who we reach out to, but we can figure something out.”

The thing is that Carlos knows the church people that come into Iris’s old club. They push the girls to get out and it’s all shame and not a lot of actual help. But nothing Judd’s said has sounded judgmental at all.

And the thought of going to the club while TK is lying in the hospital is too much. He’ll take the first full service job he gets offered just to get it over with.

“I’m a sex worker. Mostly I just try to make enough at the strip clubs, but it’s not enough sometimes so I do more if I have to,” Carlos says while looking at where he’s holding TK’s hand. He doesn’t want to lie. He doesn’t want to make TK lie. So, he might as well get the truth over with while he’s too worried about TK to care as much if Judd judges him. “No one’s making me do it. I’m not being _trafficked_. But I don’t have any other job experience, and I can’t write anything on a resume. It’s stopped being fun. So many of the people are too rough, and they do things even when I tell them not to and it’s harder and harder for me to brush that off. But I can’t figure out how to get something else that will still pay my bills. I haven’t even saved anything because the last couple years I can only force myself to work just enough to get by, and I’m still exhausted all the time.”

“Okay,” Judd says with a calm Carlos didn’t expect. A calm he never even totally felt from TK, or Owen, and certainly not Michelle. “I’m not judging you. I’m not saying that you’ve done anything wrong. But you’re saying that it’s making you unhappy and you don’t want to do it anymore, right? That’s fine. I just don’t want to put those words in your mouth.”  
Carlos nods.

“First of all, I’m sure TK and the captain have said this, but it doesn’t matter if you’re in a place where you know it’s probably going to happen. Sexual assault is still traumatic and still shouldn’t be happening. And to have it be happening with on a regular basis? Even if you liked the rest of the job, that would be an on-going trauma.”

Carlos nods and looks at TK’s face when he says, “Yeah. I know. TK always says that. It’s why he so careful about always asking if he can touch me—even though we haven’t really done anything. But that’s why his dad stopped Grace from touching me. She didn’t do anything wrong. He’s told his dad that sometimes I just can’t stand _anyone_ touching me. So he always double checks or lets me hug him first.”

“Good. Well, I’m sure we can come up with some plans. Grace knows more than me, so I’m hoping it was assumed that I would get her help. But I’m sure we can reach out to people and combine some things to figure this out for you.”

“You’re going to help me?” Carlos doesn’t even know Judd or Grace. And they know him even less.

“Is that not what you want?”

“You don’t even know me.”

“People should help people when they can. And I’m really just going to point you in the right direction,” Judd says. “You need help, and I can give it, so I don’t see why I wouldn’t.”  
Carlos laughs. _That’s_ not what his world is like. “I don’t even know what else I want to do.”

“How ‘bout we wait on that question, okay? That’s a lot. Half the people on this earth don’t know what they want. Why don’t we just try get you something that pays your bills and doesn’t traumatize you? Then we’ll go from there.”

Carlos doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know if he understands.

“Hey, can you look at me?” Judd says and Carlos does because he feels like he owes Judd that if it’s all he’s asking.

“If you look at me and you say that you never want to have sex that you don’t 100% want to have again, then we’ll figure something out for the short term. We’ll make that happen. If you just need a break that’s fine too. But if that’s what you want, you don’t need to go to do it when you have a bill due. We’ll get it paid and figure it out. Tell us what the next deadline is and what you need, and Grace will just start making calls and we’ll get that figured out. If the clubs are too much, too, then you don’t have to go back there either. I don’t know a lot about it, so I don’t know how bad that is for you, but you sure as hell don’t need to be having sex with someone that you don’t want to be having sex with. We can get that much figured out.”

Carlos isn’t a crier. Sure, he cried when he saw TK in a coma, but that’s kind of an extreme situation. Plus, they were basically alone. But it’s been so long since a piece of him wasn’t mentally preparing for something he really never wanted to do in the first place. The idea that it can just be over because someone says they’ll take care of it and they aren’t asking for anything horrible in return? He didn’t realize how big the constant dread was in his chest until it just suddenly isn’t there.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos says as he tries to get himself together. He barely even knows Judd. But he makes himself look up as soon as he can breathe again and says, “I can handle the clubs and try to make something there. But I don’t want to do more than that anymore when it’s slow.”

“Okay. Then you’re not,” Judd says like it’s final just like that. “Do you need anything right away or do we have a couple days to start figuring this out?”

“I wasn’t planning to work again until Saturday. It’s just, you know, beginning of the month is when I need to have things figured out.”

“We have some space then. I’ll talk to Grace tonight. She’ll know who to talk to. Why don’t I give you a minute to talk to TK and tell him that he should learn to bring stuff to me instead of assuming whatever he was assuming?” Judd gets up and leaves them alone and Carlos can’t help the slightly hysterical laugh that comes out of his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I started doing the chapter titles for this, I honestly wasn't sure that anyone else would even notice them. They were sort of just for me. In a way this whole fic was just for me. Every (positive) comment on it means so much and I have loved that people noticed the songs.
> 
> The lyrics used are from songs from three playlists I had prior to writing this:  
> 1\. A playlist I played to hype me up to work. I listened to this while doing my make up. In a way it was a process of becoming that persona.  
> 2\. Songs I danced to at the club. Don't judge me for the Nickleback. There is a story. My work wife told the new DJ that I wanted to dance to Nickleback and he believed her and I spent 2 years dancing to Nickleback. Joke was on them though because shitty white men fucking love Nickleback.  
> Other songs I danced to because they made money and not because I liked them: Cherry Pie and Pour Some Sugar On Me. Song that made me money because I killed it every time: Sober by Tool. Song I only danced to for employees when they made us do stage despite the club being empty: Ice Ice Baby. Also worth nothing: I danced to Sex and Stardust the last time I taught a pole bachelorette party. I had asked the head DJ to get it for me shortly before the club shut down but never was able to dance to it on stage. Kind of sad about that one.  
> 3\. Songs that just related to my feelings about being trapped in the industry and so exhausted that I felt like I couldn't get out.
> 
> I might add to the playlist because I definitely forgot some songs because I'm not that organized , so I wanted to link it in a way that would allow me to do that. But I didn't want to like my real Spotify for my own privacy. So I actually created a new spotify using one of my aliases. Honestly, this alias has such a life that she's going to be summoned for jury duty any day now. Anyway, there's no way I'll get lyrics from all these into the fic, but they're there in my head.
> 
> Anyway: [The Lies and Lust Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1jKjXs3v5vO6XMCrpYeFXs)


	22. Starring at this stucco ceiling wondering how to break it down

Judd brings Carlos a cup of coffee when he comes back. Carlos doesn’t know what else to say to him. He doesn’t even know what the plan is exactly. The thing Carlos that doesn’t understand is how much he doesn’t care. Maybe it’s something about the certainty in Judd’s voice when he said they’d figure it out, but Carlos thinks it’s more that he just doesn’t have any energy left to question it. He _wants_ to believe it’s over so much that he’s just decided to believe it. If it doesn’t work out, well, it won’t be the first time someone has broken a promise.

Now if only TK would wake up so Carlos could talk to him about it and actually get a reaction.

“The captain told me not to ask what’s going on with you two, but he didn’t say you couldn’t tell me if you wanted to,” Judd says, and Carlos can’t help laughing. Somehow Judd is exactly as TK described him and nothing like Carlos expected at the same time.

“I can’t explain everything. Some of it’s his stuff that TK should tell you when he’s ready,” Carlos says. He looks down at TK, but TK doesn’t answer. “We really are just friends. Mostly. He says he’s not ready to date anyone, and I’ve been a mess. I love Michelle, but I met her because I was best friends with her sister, so that’s complicated. We were both short of friends we didn’t work with—people we didn’t have to ever be professional with.”

“Friends? Really?”

Carlos shrugs. Yes, they’re more than friends, but not enough for them to have a label. Maybe they’re friends with benefits by Carlos’s weird messed-up standards, but probably not TK’s. TK might still be hooking up with guys that Carlos doesn’t know about, and there’s no reason Carlos should be upset if he is. He’s grateful for Judd’s help. But he’s not going to explain that they mostly just cuddle.

“We’ve talked about being more eventually, but he’s not sure when he’ll be ready. He didn’t say I had to quit what I’ve been doing. He even said might be able to be okay with it if he felt like it wasn’t a big deal to me, but he can’t handle knowing I’m sleeping with other people if I don’t want to be. He just saw I wasn’t okay with it and so he couldn’t be. But I haven’t been able to stop, so we’re not dating. And he _has_ been a good friend, so if it doesn’t work out, it’s still worth it.”

“Okay. That’s fair,” Judd says. “ _But_ Grace is going to make some calls. She knows someone from church who has helped people in similar situations. You can sit down with them. Or without Grace being there if you want more privacy. They’ll help you figure things out—and that’s going to happen no matter how you and TK work out.” 

Carlos nods, but he can’t help sticking on one word that’s making him want to change his mind.

“I say something wrong?” Judd asks.

“Churches usually just want to make us feel bad for where we are,” Carlos admits because if it’s going to be like that, he might still try but he wants to know what he’s getting into.

“It’s nothing like that. You don’t have to go to church. And people like that aren’t listening to anything Jesus said. If Jesus didn’t judge, I’m not either. Church is just now Grace knows someone who works with people who have a hard time moving into better jobs for a lot of reasons. We’ve hired some people from her organization for odd jobs. They’re not going to say you’re doing anything wrong. If they do, you can send TK after me. He’s an annoying little shit when he’s mad,” Judd says with fond exasperation.

Carlos laughs. It’s not how _he_ sees TK, but he can believe it from the things TK’s texted him about Judd. Carlos rubs his fingers over TK’s hand.

“He’ll wake up,” Judd says. “He has to wake up.

***

Carlos knows he should leave. His friendship with TK isn’t serious enough for him to spend the entire day at the hospital. But he has nowhere else to be. Eventually, Michelle will come get him. Hopefully, it’s not because Owen secretly asks her to do it because he’s too nice to tell Carlos when he’s over-stayed his welcome.

“I’m sorry,” Owen says after he’s talked one the nurses into warming up some of the food Carlos brought. “We didn’t think to ask Grace or Judd for advice and if we had, maybe we could’ve settled things for you sooner.”

Carlos shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. I would’ve said no a few days ago.”

Owen looks up from his dinner. “You would’ve said no?”

“When he says that ‘we’ll work it out’ if I don’t have enough money for my rent without doing something I don’t want to do, I think it means someone gives me money. It meant so much to my mom that she got us off welfare. It was such a big deal for her that we never needed this kind of help. So, I would’ve said I couldn’t just take money. I’ve always refused when Michelle’s tried.” Carlos looks down at TK. He’s given Owen the chair closer to the bed, but he can’t help getting up to get check on TK every few minutes. “I still hate it. I’m just too tired to care anymore. If he doesn’t wake up by Saturday, I don’t know how I’m going to go to work and pretend I’m fine.”

“Hey now,” Owen says with a nod to TK. “Now you’re going to have to say you’re not taking any of this back if he wakes up, or he’s going to hear you and sleep until he’s sure you’re not changing your mind.”

Carlos laughs even though nothing about this is funny. Iris used to say they all laughed at things other people would find disturbing because it was the only way to not lose it.

“No. I thought it my head that I’m not doing some stuff anymore. I don’t think I could make myself do it now if I wanted to.”

“Good,” Owen says with a tone that’s so paternal it makes Carlos miss his own family. “There’s nothing wrong with getting help. Every single person gets help. They just call it something else if it’s coming from somewhere that means they don’t have to ask for it.”

“That sounds like something TK’s said.”

“Good to know he listens sometimes,” says with a smile as he looks down at TK.

Carlos is about to point out that TK clearly pays a lot of attention to what his father thinks, but TK shifts and says _Dad_ in a half-asleep whisper. Owen stands up from the chair and bends over him

“TK? TK?”

TK shifts, opens his eyes, and clutches his father’s wrist as he wakes up scared and asking where he is. Carlos feels a little like he’s invading their space as Owen soothes him. Then TK looks over and meets his eyes for the first time.

“Carlos? Am I dreaming?”

Owen laughs with him as Carlos snaps out of his stupor and comes to TK’s other side.

“No,” Owen says. “He’s been feeding everyone while you’ve been sleeping.”

“Did I miss our date?” TK asks, still looking at Carlos.

“No, actually,” Carlos says with a laugh. “You woke up with about an hour to spare. But we might have to change our plans.”

Obviously, after the nurses and doctors take over to run tests, it takes longer than an hour. And Carlos isn’t going to tell Owen to leave so they can have some sort of a date when Owen has made it clear that Carlos is welcome as long as TK says he is.

 _Of course_ , TK’s first thought is the kid who shot him, so Owen says he’ll make sure the boy knows that TK’s awake. TK’s in a better mood than Carlos would expect, but by the time the doctors are finished with him, it’s obvious that TK’s energy is fading.

“I just slept for almost a full day,” TK whines when Owen points out that he should just go to sleep. He looks at Carlos when he adds, “And I haven’t even gotten to talk to you because of the doctors and all of l their tests and questions.”

Carlos can’t help coming closer so he can cup TK’s cheek and stroke his thumb over TK’s pout. “Sleep. I can be here when you wake up if you want.”

“I want.” TK reaches for him before grimacing and pulling back.

“Hey,” Carlos says as he comes closer and pushes down on TK’s right shoulder to keep him on the bed. “Be careful. You got shot _yesterday_.”

“And I made them take me off the good drugs. Just _please_ stay.”

It’s the first time TK’s mentioned the pain as more than just uncomfortable, but Carlos did step out when the doctor examined him because it didn’t feel like they were close enough for him to stay for that.

“I’ll stay.” Carlos runs his hand through TK’s hair, and TK smiles as he leans into it. “I’ll stay, but you have to rest.”

“By myself?” TK’s pout is so epic that Owen laughs from the other side of his bed.

“I said I’d stay.”

“In the bed?” TK asks.

“I just told your father yesterday that _that_ has never happened.” Carlos looks at Owen and adds, “which was the truth.”

“Oh, I’m not doubting _you_ ,” Owen says with a laugh.

Owen looks at TK and says, “And _you_ are not well enough to have that man in such a small bed. Go to sleep, get better, and maybe you’ll get what you want eventually.”

TK’s pout is almost harder to resist when it’s obvious he’s fighting a smile. Carlos moves to sit in the chair on TK’s good side and leans on the bed so he can run his fingers through TK’s hair to relax him.

“Listen to your father. Go to sleep and I’ll be here.”

“Ganging up on me already,” TK says, but he is obviously exhausted, so he closes eyes. Carlos keeps playing with his hair, and he gradually relaxes.

“Well,” Owen says after it’s clear that TK’s asleep. “Obviously, you have stay, so I might as well go home and shower. Let him know I’ll be back if he wakes up, okay?”

Carlos nods. “Thanks…for being okay with me.”

“Carlos, I’m not under the impression that my son is an innocent virgin. If you’re honest with him, and you treat him well, that’s all I care about. And I haven’t seen anything yet makes me think you can’t do those things.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TK demanded to wake up a million times during the last two chapters. Eventually I decided to cave to his argument that I’d already changed so much of canon that there was no reason he couldn’t just wake up sooner and stay in the hospital a bit longer after waking up.
> 
> Also, while I love Judd, this is definitely an "it takes a village" situation. Judd just has some knowledge. That said, yes, Judd's confidence that they will work things out comes from Judd being willing to just take money out of his bank account if he has to. TK and Carlos don't have to know that as far as he's concerned.


	23. I ain't doing shit for free

TK wakes up a warm weight over his stomach and Carlos’s curls tickling his arm. When he opens his eyes, his father is awake in the chair at this other side.

“He probably didn’t sleep much last night either.” His dad holds a straw to TK’s lips so that he can drink water.

“For the record, I could get my own water, but I don’t want to wake him up,” TK says.

“Noted. How are you feeling?”

“Like I want to take back being asked to be taken off painkillers,” TK admits. “And only half of that is because of the pain. Okay. Maybe a fourth of that.”

TK lets his head drop heavily against the pillow and groans. “Remind me why I want to be sober.”

“I really need to let him talk to you about it himself, but while you were in a coma, he bonded with Judd. So, you might want to stay awake and coherent.”

“Now I’m scared.”

“It was a good thing,” his dad says. “ _But_ he does need to tell you himself. So you’re going to want to have it together so you can talk to him.”

TK nods. “If tell the nurses I’m in too much pain, it’s a lie. I’m fine with what they’re giving me. It’s not that bad.”

“Wake him up,” his father suggests. “Let him distract you. I think he’d want you to.”

“I should let him sleep.” TK says.

“Hey! Carlos!” Owen says before TK can stop him, and Carlos moans and scrunches his face adorably before opening his eyes.

“Sorry,” TK says as he frees the arm Carlos had trapped so that he can lightly scratch through the hair at right at the base of Carlos’s skull. Carlos relaxes like he always does and lets TK direct him to rest his head on the bed near TK’s hip. “My dad’s a being a jerk. I told him not to wake you up.”

“He needed attention,” his dad says, which is just not helpful at all.

But Carlos just turns this face toward TK, opens his eyes, and asks. “Did you?”

And TK can’t lie to those eyes. Not when he knows how important it is for Carlos to have honestly in his real life when he’s just _Carlos_. “Maybe a little.”

“What’s wrong?” It really helps that Carlos doesn’t sit up. Playing with Carlos’s hair is just as calming for TK as it is to Carlos.

“I’m okay,” TK says. “It’s just that they gave me the good drugs and now I want more.”

“Do you need them?” Carlos asks with a lot more faith than his dad did.

“No. I’m in some pain, but not that much. It’s not why I want the drugs. And if I take them now when I’m fully aware of doing it….”

Carlos nods. There’s no judgement at all in his eyes.

“My dad said you bonded with Judd while I was in a coma. Is he just trying to freak me out?”

To TK’s surprise, Carlos smiles. He’s seemed different since TK woke up, but he’s obviously wanted to be around, so TK didn’t push. He knows the days he slept through had to be hard for the people around him in a way he doesn’t understand. But that doesn’t explain why Carlos looks so much happier than TK’s used to. TK’s dad interrupts to say he’s going to give them some space to talk and mentions that he needs to check in with TK’s mom anyway.

“I’m not sure we _bonded_ ,” Carlos says after they’re alone. “But he said Grace knows some people that can help me sort everything out. I’m still going to go to the clubs some for a few weeks, but I’m not going to do full service at all anymore. He said we could make sure that gets worked out.”

“Yeah?” TK gets it now. Carlos is more relaxed. TK is used to him carrying more tension. “That’s good, right?”

“Yeah. It’s still sinking in. Half the reason that I hate working at the club is because I always have it in the back of my mind that if it’s not good enough, I have to figure something out and it might be something I don’t want to do. Now, I just don’t have that.” Carlos shrugs instead of continuing, but he doesn’t need to. TK gets the point. “So, I have energy to give you extra attention. And I want to do that anyway.”

Suddenly it clicks that maybe Carlos is going to be ready for him and TK is even more confused than he was before.

“I’m even more messed up now. My dad literally woke you up to distract me from how much I want drugs.”

But Carlos just laughs lightly.

“I’m not magically fixed. And I’m not in a hurry.” Carlos must see something on his face because he adds. “And if it’s not going to work out that we’re more than friends, then you still helped me get here. It’s okay. Don’t worry about that now. You’re in the hospital.”

“I feel like you’re bummed. It’s not you. I just don’t know _anything_ right now.”

Maybe it’s because TK still has his fingers in Carlos’s hair, but Carlos relaxes. “It makes sense. Don’t worry about it now. I meant what I said. If it’s not meant to be, and we’re just friends, that’s okay.”

***

The difference in Carlos is so obvious that TK knows he has to talk to Judd. He owes Judd thanks for fixing something TK had no idea how to fix even though Carlos swears that he probably would’ve fought the help if he’d been asked at a different time.

“Can I ask why you didn’t talk to me about any of this?” Judd asks. “Because it’s a lot to try to handle on your own. And I really didn’t push him to tell me. All I did was tell him that I could tell he had some trauma because of how he reacted when Grace almost touched his arm—and I said that half because I could tell he was feeling awkward about it. I told him I’d try to help if he needed it, and he told me. That was all it took—though I’m sure some of that was how upset he was about you not wanting to wake up.”

TK really hates that shrugging is painful and therefore impossible. He didn’t appreciate his fully functional shoulders when he had them.

“You thought I would judge,” Judd says when TK doesn’t answer him.

“You have a Bible verse tattooed on your hand,” TK points out.

“Yeah. And I pay attention to what Jesus actually did and said. If he could have friends who were sex workers, so can everyone else. He said to help people who need it. That was kind of a big thing.”

“Well, a lot of people miss those parts.”

To his surprise, Judd just nods. “Yeah, well, I know you’ve probably had a lot more reason to think that than I have. I get that. But Grace and I try not to be like that, okay? So, if you could try to give us more of a chance, I’ll let you tell me off if I blow it, okay?”

***

 **TK:** I don’t really know how much I should ask about how this meeting went.  
**Carlos:** You can ask whatever or I can just tell you about it. How are you feeling?  
**TK:** Bored. Hospital food sucks.  
**Carlos:** Is that a hint?  
**TK:** Maybe… 🥺 🥺  
**Carlos:** How about I bring you early dinner since yesterday didn’t work out as planned?  
**TK:** Awesome. It will help me kick out my dad. He’s driving me crazy. He won’t let me do anything.  
**Carlos:** You aren’t supposed to be doing anything. You’re in the hospital.  
**TK:** I know you’re also going to say I can’t do anything. But you’re more fun. And I want to know how everything went.  
**Carlos:** Everything went well. You shouldn’t be worrying about me right now.  
**TK:** Please just let me? I’m so tired to talking about myself and my health. Though…if you want to distract me from the pain, I can think of some ways.  
**Carlos:** We’ll see.

***

Carlos looks worn out when he gets back to the hospital. It makes TK love Paul even more than he already does because he looks at Carlos and makes a smooth exit to leave them alone. Of course, Carlos is also practiced at reading people, so he notices Paul’s timing anyway.

“I’m okay. Better than okay. I’m just tired because it was a lot, and I had to get up early. But we have a plan. I’m going to work Saturdays at Reveal and only once a month at Lucky Cowboy for now. That way they don’t cancel my contract, but I can have a break. The program will help me get temp jobs until I find something permanent and help with my bills if it doesn’t add up to enough. And if I’m eligible for food stamps or anything, they’ll help me figure that out. I have to do some counseling and stuff—which will make Michelle really happy.”

TK can understand how it’s exhausting. It’s why he let his dad decide everything about their move to Texas and his treatment. It’s also why he wanted to help Carlos in the first place—he had his dad to pull some of the weight of getting him to a better place. If he was in Carlos’s place, he would’ve just given up. TK scoots to the left side of the bed and pats the side next him.

“If my dad can sit on the bed, you can lie on it.”

“Those are two very different things.”

“I was shot while trying to save a life. I deserve it,” TK says because it’s true even if he really just wants to hold Carlos.

Of course, Carlos doesn’t give in that easily.

“I need distraction from how much I want painkillers,” TK argues.

“You’re just saying that because you want to make me feel better,” Carlos says.

“Yes, but consider this: it’s still true. Making you feel better is just my motivation for admitting it.”

It doesn’t make Carlos lie down with him, but it gets Carlos to sit on the bed. It’s still not everything TK wants. They kissed last week, but Carlos hasn’t kissed him since he woke up and TK hasn’t asked. He’s in the hospital. He doesn’t want Carlos to feel obligated.

“I’ll tell you everything,” Carlos says after a few seconds. “It’s just all still sinking in.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

Carlos smiles at him, pulls TK’s hand to his lips and kisses his fingers. “I know I don’t have to, but I want to tell you everything. It’s just happening fast, and I’m still processing everything. But I’m okay. I’m really good, actually. It just doesn’t feel real yet. And I have mixed feelings about a lot of it.”

TK can relate to that. He’s lying in the hospital trying to figure out what he wants.

“Are _you_ okay?” Carlos asks.

“I’m just confused about a lot of things. Can I also say I’m still processing getting shot?”

“Of course. Of course, you can.” Carlos says. “You just looked like you wanted to say something or ask something?”

“It’s stupid. And kind of unfair. Because I still can’t promise you anything. I’m even more messed up than I was before, and you’re working your stuff out.”

“It’s okay,” Carlos says with a laugh. “I’m definitely not all the way there yet.”

“So…we kissed last week. And you were here when I woke up. And you obviously don’t have to kiss me again if you don’t want to. Seriously. You know I really mean that, right?”

“I know,” Carlos says. “But if that’s what you want, you can ask. Because I know you’ll be okay if I don’t want to. And for the record, if I ever don’t want to, you should know it’s probably not about you.”

“So…do I need to actually ask?”

Carlos shakes his head. He’s still smiling as he leans over, and still smiling when their lips meet. TK’s always loved kissing, but it’s been a while since he’s really focused on it by itself. It’s been a long time since there’s been so much build up for it, and even longer since he kissed without any plan to make it something more. Of course, right now they _can’t_ make it more, but TK thinks they wouldn’t even if they could. He’d be reckless with himself. Maybe he’d be reckless with Carlos if things were different and he thought it wouldn’t mess Carlos up in a way TK wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for, but he can’t do that when Carlos is just starting to put himself back together. He’s enjoying the feel of Carlos’s lips moving against his so much that he doesn’t hear anyone come in until Judd speaks.

“I know I’m older, but I think we have very different definitions of _just friends_.”

Carlos pulls back quickly while Judd laughs.

“Maybe your friends don’t like you as much as my friends do,” TK says.

“Oh. You kiss all your friends like that?”

“No,” TK says to Judd and then to Carlos, “No. Obviously, I don’t.”

“We’re still figuring out what we are,” Carlos says even though TK knows Carlos _has_ kissed a lot of his friends. “But it’s kind of a future thing.”

“That we were enjoying exploring until you ruined it,” TK adds.

“Well, I told your dad I’d check on you on the way to work. I’ll let him know you’re enjoying yourself and my presence was not appreciated,” Judd says with a laugh that tells TK _everyone_ is going to hear about it.

“You don’t have to leave,” Carlos says because he’s sweet and he doesn’t know Judd like TK does.

“Nah. I have to get to work. The captain said he’ll be back in a couple hours. I’ll tell him not to rush.”

TK waits for Judd to leave before pouting at Carlos because they were interrupted.

“I’m not making out with you in a public place where people can watch. Especially not for free. I charge for things like that,” Carlos says with a laugh, but he still kisses TK once more. “You’ll just have to rest so you can get better and go home. Think of it as motivation.”

“They should just let me go home now. They’re barely doing anything. I can lie around and be bored at home.” No one believes him, but TK really is trying hard not to whine.

“You got shot. They’ll let you out when it’s safe,” Carlos says, but he takes off his shoes and rearranges so that he’s sitting pressed against TK on the bed. TK hands Carlos the remote before leaning his head on Carlos’s shoulder and closing his eyes. He’s slept too much to fall back asleep, but he’s too worn out to be entertaining. At least he knows Carlos won’t mind it.

“Bad TV?” TK asks.

“Sure. It’s really early for me. I might fall asleep on you,” Carlos says as he leans his head against TK’s. TK finds his hand and laces their fingers together.

“That sounds perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot my chapter titles a couple times because I'm burned out, but I fixed them now. :)


	24. Rest for the wicked

TK knows Carlos fell asleep first, but he’s awake and still holding TK’s hand when TK wakes up.

“Your dad came back for a while,” Carlos says. “But Michelle told him that he should shower. Did you know he was seeing someone?”

“He’s dating someone?”

“Maybe? He didn’t say that, but I got a vibe. Sorry?”

TK lifts their hands so he can kiss Carlos’s knuckles.

“It’s not a big deal. He’s not always great about telling me when he’s dating someone. He forgets that I’m not a kid, and he doesn’t have to wait to let someone meet me. I feel less guilty for the times I’ve snuck out of the house without telling him now.”

“I still shouldn’t read people like that when I’m not working. I try not to.”

“We’re used to Paul. As long as you don’t seduce my dad with your skills, I’m just going to enjoy calling him out about his secret girlfriend.”

“I’m really not your dad’s type. We might want to keep him away from some of Iris’s friends though. I still see some of them every once in a while. _And_ if you’re not sure your dad is straight, we should probably keep Reese away from him. He’s definitely Reese’s type. If he ever meets Reese, Reese is going to hit on him.”

TK groans. “I’ve never actually asked him but now I’m going to make him come out as straight to me. I’d almost say it’ll be good if my mom actually shows up like she says she’s going to because she will save him from himself with all of that, but I need to figure out what I want before then.”

“With me?” Carlos asks.

“No.” TK can’t help glancing at the door because he’s not ready for his dad to hear this yet. “I don’t know if I really want to be a firefighter anymore. I did it because I wanted to be with my dad. I wanted to have time with him again and make him proud. But what if this isn’t really what I’m supposed to be doing? I never even tried to do anything else. And if I don’t figure that out before my mom gets here, she’s going to want me to go back to New York with her to figure it out.”

“Do you want to go back?”

TK wishes he could give Carlos the answer he’s sure Carlos wants.

“I don’t know. What will I even do here if I’m not a firefighter? You’re the only person in Austin I know who’s not from the firehouse,” TK says. “Of course, I’ve barely talked to any of my friends in New York since I moved here, and I lied to half of them about why. Plus, I don’t want to leave my dad while he has cancer. And financially, I’d have to move in with mom for while—which she would love. It would be like I was sixteen again—like I just wasted the last ten years of my life.”

Carlos elbows him gently.

“How many people have you saved since you became a firefighter? I heard you saved a window-washer from the top of the Chrysler Building,” Carlos says and TK laughs even as he blushes at the proof he’s tried to impress Carlos with stories. “That’s not a waste. Even if you change your mind now, you still helped all those people. You helped _me_.”

“Thanks.” TK pulls weakly at Carlos and pouts until he cuddles closer. “I’m sorry I’m even less ready to be with you than I was before this happened.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay. That’s what matters. Just don’t stop talking to me if you leave okay?”

“I probably won’t go back to New York. I think it’s probably cheaper to be unemployed here.”

***

Once TK’s awake, they don’t want anyone spending the night with him at the hospital. It sucks. The hospital is noisy. He’s restless because he’s in pain and he wants drugs that he can’t have. TK hates not having someone he cares about close by. He’s hoping for some late-night drunk texts from Carlos.

***

 **Carlos:** Reese says he hopes you feel better.  
**TK:** Tell him thanks. I’m mostly just bored. Visiting hours are stupid.  
**Carlos:** I’m sorry. At least you have your phone?  
**TK:** Yeah. But don’t feel like you have to go to the dressing room to check on me. My dad is enough. He’ll answer me as much as I need him to. And my squad will answer when they have time.

***

 **Carlos:** I’m a horrible person.  
**TK:** Seems unlikely.  
**Carlos:** You know what works better than saying Reese is my boyfriend and they can pay to watch us make out?  
**TK:** What?  
**Carlos:** Saying my firefighter boyfriend is in the hospital after we do the firefighter stage show and I need money so I can spend time with him instead of working.  
**Carlos:** Not that you’re my boyfriend. I just said that because it’s easier than explaining.  
**TK:** lmao. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That’s hilarious. And I approve because I want to see you more anyway.  
**Carlos:** I should still work Lucky Cowboy tomorrow. But it doesn’t feel as bad because if I don’t make money, it’s okay.  
**TK:** Good. That’s what matters. I just want you to feel better about it. Try to sleep. Thanks for texting me. I do feel better when I knew how you are after you get off work.  
**Carlos:** Thanks. Try to sleep?

***

 **TK:** I’m going to be free! I can sleep at home tonight!  
**TK:** So now it’s just my dad hovering and driving me crazy.  
**Carlos:** That’s awesome. I just woke up. Are you already out?  
**TK:** Nope. They said sometime after 3pm when they get around to it.  
**Carlos:** Do you want to me to not work?  
**TK:** You shouldn’t start this pattern while I’m off work. I’ll just want you to entertain me all the time when I’m bored. It’s really okay. My dad will drive me home and then make me go back to bed in my own bed.

***

 **Carlos:** Reese has forgiven me for quitting full service because now it means I pass off my jobs to him.  
**Carlos:** That’s a joke. He’s actually really happy for me. He knew it was messing me up.  
**TK:** Good. Are you feeling okay about it?  
**Carlos:** A lot more than okay. It was just average tonight but I’m not panicking. I’m okay.  
**TK:** Good. I’m glad.  
**Carlos:** I’m not working tomorrow because I’m supposed to do something for an event on Wednesday. I don’t want to mess up the first gig they give me by being tired.  
**TK:** That’s a good idea. Aren’t you supposed to be going down to once a month, anyway?  
**Carlos:** I feel guilty about it.  
**TK:** Don’t do that. You shouldn’t feel guilty about letting people help you. You said this was why they made a plan. So that you follow it without felling guilty. I said I didn’t want you to start skipping work for me because I wanted you to stick to the plan. Don’t make me to beg you to stay home next week if you think you need to go.  
**Carlos:** Okay.  
**TK:** Good.  
**Carlos:** It’s late. You should be sleeping.  
**TK:** I’m awake because I napped half the day, but I’ll sleep if you sleep.  
**Carlos:** Okay.

***

 **Carlos:** I feel better than normal after only one day off. Still tired, but less emotionally dead.  
**TK:** Good.  
**TK:** No pressure…but if you want to come lay around and be lazy with me….  
**Carlos:** I do.  
**TK:** Maybe if you’re here, I can make my dad go to work. Wear comfortable clothes because I don’t think your thighs will fit in any of my sweatpants.

***

Carlos has never been to TK’s house. He’s always wanted to cook in his own kitchen. Also, if he’s honest with himself, he has to admit that he was scared to meet Owen. He’d be lying if he said he’s not intimidated by Owen at all anymore, but he’s not going to make TK come over when he’s only been out of the hospital for a couple days.

Owen opens the door for him, but TK yells from inside the house, “Apparently I’m not allowed to leave the couch even though nothing is wrong with my legs.”

“You’re supposed to be resting,” Owen says before turning to Carlos. “He’s supposed to be resting. Please try to make him behave while I’m gone. He shouldn’t be doing anything difficult or carrying anything heavy by himself. He shouldn’t do _anything_ that requires him to raise his left arm above his head.”

“I promised him we’re going to be lazy and maybe order food,” TK tells his dad when Carlos finds him on the couch. He shifts so that Carlos can sit behind him and only hesitates for a second before leaning back into Carlos’s arms. “Seriously. Go to work. I’m fine.”

Owen still fusses before he leaves, but he does actually go to work.

“I love him, but he was driving me crazy. I don’t know why he thinks drinking gallons of water is going to save me. I’m very, very hydrated now and I’m going to have to get up to pee a million times.”

“I should not tell him how much Pedialyte I go through then? I have perfected not getting hungover. Physically. I don’t think I can fix the emotional hangover. It just gets worse and worse.”

“But not as bad this time?” TK asks, tilting his head back so he can look at Carlos’s face. Carlos smiles and kisses his forehead.

“I only worked two days instead of three, but yeah. I also left anyone who didn’t listen the first time I said no to something.”

TK snuggles closer and pulls Carlos’s arms tighter around him.

“I hate so much that doing that is different—that you had to let that happen constantly before.”

“I feel like anything I say to try to make you feel better about it is going to actually make it worse.” Carlos _knows_ that viewing sexual assault as a thing that happens and not considering it worth mentioning until it’s particularly bad isn’t a healthy way to live. Judd’s right that he probably needs some kind of trauma counseling, but Carlos still isn’t looking forward to having to do it.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I think you should keep not putting up with it. Judd promised me that everyone will understand why you’re making less money if this is why.”

“I know. I just feel guilty.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to be assaulted. What would you say if it was me? And I know you’re thinking it’s different in your head, but it’s not. Also, you should just agree with me because I’m not supposed to stress myself out.”

“You know your dad warned me you might try to win all arguments like this for a while?” Carlos says with a laugh.

“Okay, but I’m obviously right this time.”

“Yeah,” Carlos says even though he knows a lot of the guys at work thought he was being ridiculous. They have to. Carlos wouldn’t have survived so many years if he hadn’t taught himself to think it was just part of his job. And it’s complicated anyway. He can agree with TK about the times he specifically rejected advances and they were ignored. But he feels just as messed up from the times he did things that he didn’t want to do but he pretended otherwise. Those times aren’t his client’s fault, but he’s not sure he wants to explain to TK that sometimes the reason his clients don’t follow his redirections is because Carlos doesn’t want to risk them figuring out that they’re being redirected.

“I think I can be okay with how things are now,” TK says. “I mean, I really can’t commit to anything because I still don’t know how to tell my dad that I might not want to go back to work. But I can deal with you working like this. I know some bad stuff might still happen, but if you can walk away from it, I’ll worry a lot less. And you’re not doing full service, so I don’t have to worry about that either.”

“Will you tell me if you change your mind about Reese?”

“Is it just Reese? Are there other guys who you do this with?”

“Sometimes, but it’s almost always Reese because he’s my closest friend at the club. I can limit it to Reese if you want.”

“I feel like I need to give you something like a commitment to say that.”

“You don’t. You don’t know all my friends, and you’re allowed to care even if it’s just for hygiene reasons.” Maybe it’s ridiculous, but Carlos really doesn’t care at all. He _wants_ something to say that he’s TK’s anyway.

TK nods but he doesn’t say anything.

“Are you seeing anyone else? Or still hooking up with other guys?” Carlos asks because it’s the only reason he can think for TK to say he shouldn’t ask. “It’s okay if you are. We’ve never said you couldn’t. Though I’m hoping it’s random hookups. You should dump him if you were seeing someone else because no one else came to the hospital unless your dad snuck him into your hospital room without me knowing.”

TK laughs.

“No. Though my dad was very impressed you wanted to be with me so much, and if there was someone else, he would probably make so many pointed comments that it wouldn’t be worth it to keep seeing another guy when I have you. I kind of stopped hooking up a few weeks ago. I just haven’t wanted to. I don’t think it was really for me anyway. I was just really messed up after Alex, and the relapse. I’m still messed up, but I’m over _that_ stage, I think.”

“Okay.” Carlos doesn’t know what else to say. He’s felt like he was more into TK than TK was into him from the very beginning. He doesn’t want to ask for something he has no right to ask for.

“Paul’s going to give me so much shit if we officially say we’re not dating other people and I say you can’t kiss other guys except Reese at work, and then I still try to say it’s not serious.”

“Tell him he’s not supposed to stress you out right now.” It’s not everything, but Carlos doesn’t feel like he’s ready for everything involved with having a boyfriend either.  
“Paul does _not_ let me get away with bullshit,” TK says. “My dad recruited him for how perceptive he is.”

“So tell him we’re both not ready. I don’t want anyone else. I really don’t. And I mean it when I say that if kissing Reese starts to bother you, then you can tell me. But being a fulltime boyfriend seems like a lot and…” Carlos stops because he’s not sure he’s ready to admit exactly why _he’s_ not ready.

“You don’t have to tell me, but you _can_ okay?”

“It’s going to seem weird.” Carlos says.

“I’m holding back because I think I might want to quit my job and that might mean I let my mom take me back to New York—even though that seems like a horrible thing to tell you after how much you’re fighting to make enough money by yourself. My whole problem is stupidly privileged. Your problem can be a little weird.”

“You got _shot?_ ,” Carlos says. He can’t help pulling TK closer when he says it.

“That’s not exactly an everyday thing.”

“You run _toward_ fire. Judd told my why he has PTSD. Maybe people respect your job more, but it’s still fair if you want to leave.”

“I guess. Maybe hanging out with firefighters does the same thing for me that hanging out sex workers does for you. And for the record, this conversation can never happen with my mom. Ever. She’s been telling me I need to have more friends outside of the station for years. I need to know what I’m doing before I admit to her that she was right.”

“Noted.” Carlos knows he can get away with not meeting TK’s mom if she visits. He still hasn’t decided if he’s going to do that or not.

TK probably knows that Carlos never finished the original thought and he’s letting it go. But Carlos _hates_ not being honest with TK.

“I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for sex again,” Carlos admits. “I know that’s kind of stupid, and I really wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to hook up with someone else.”

“Hey, that’s okay.” TK moves down the couch so he can lay down with his head in Carlos’s lap and look up at him. “It’s not stupid. And for now, it’s irrelevant because I’m not allowed to have sex for while anyway, but even after I am, if we get to the point where we’re ready to be together and you feel ready for that but not sex? It’s not a big deal. I’m not that kind of an asshole. I can wait.”

“Thanks. I just think I want to be able to at least have an idea if I’m feeling better about it before we start saying we’re boyfriends.”

TK nods. He reaches for Carlo’s hand and laces their fingers together. “Cool. I will tell Paul we are on the same page with not labeling everything, and he can apply his opinions to himself. And if someone offers you enough money that it’s worth kissing someone you’re comfortable with, it’s up to you. I just don’t want it to ever mean that you do something you’re upset about later.”

***

Owen finds Michelle as soon as he gets to work.

“Can I ask a favor?”

“Maybe,” Michelle says because she’s too smart to not ask more questions. “Depends on the favor. You can ask, but that doesn’t mean I’ll do it.”

“It’s just that TK has two modes when he doesn’t feel well. Either he wants a lot of attention, and he’ll let everyone take care of him. _Or_ he’s tired of it and he wants to be left alone to do everything himself and pretend that he’s fine. He’s on the second stage, but he really _shouldn’t_ be doing things by himself. I hate leaving him like that because he won’t ask for help if he needs it, but I’m hoping he won’t fight Carlos as hard.”

Michelle smiles.

“I’m sure it means a lot to him that you left TK with him. And that you’re not holding his history against him.”

“I can’t pretend that I’m not a little worried. But it’s not because of _what_ he’s doing. They’re both in rough places in different ways,” Owen says, but before Michelle can be upset, he adds, “but they’re both getting a lot of support now. I’m not going to interfere.”

“So, what’s the favor?”

“I only let TK talk me into going to work because he wasn’t going to be alone. Can you just get Carlos to tell you if he’s leaving? TK won’t tell me because he’ll insist that he’s fine alone. And then I’ll come home and find out he tore his stitches taking his hoodie off.”

“I can do that.”

Michelle pulls out her phone and sends a text.

“Carlos says he’ll tell me unless TK specifically asks him not to, but in that case, he might just try not to leave because he doesn’t want TK to hurt himself either. Also, TK has admitted that maybe he’s tired enough to take a nap after they eat, so he’s making sure that TK gets enough rest.”

Michelle laughs at her texts before Owen can answer. “And TK saw through you even though Carlos said he was texting me. TK says to get to work and leave him alone.”

“He knows I’m going to worry.”

“Carlos says that TK didn’t say he couldn’t text me, so he’ll try to check in,” Michelle says. “He really wants you to like him.”

“I already like him. There’s nothing I’ve seen that I shouldn’t like. And that’s a lot more than I could say for some of TK’s boyfriends. Anything I’m worried about isn’t his fault, and TK says they’ve talked a lot about how things might not work out. For now, it’s good for TK have someone outside of the firehouse while he can’t work.”


	25. Trust in me and fall as well

“Honestly, my dad would probably be happier knowing that you’re sleeping in my bed in case I try to sneak away and hurt myself, but it’s up to you. But considering that he got Michelle to tell you not to let me take my shirt on and off by myself, I don’t think you should think he’s going to be upset if we take a nap together. You can have the couch if you want, but don’t do it because of my dad.”

It’s not like they haven’t napped together. But purposely climbing into TK’s bed is a lot different that falling asleep with his head on TK’s shoulder sitting up on his hospital bed. _But_ Carlos agrees with Owen. He doesn’t trust TK to not try to do something himself because he doesn’t want to wake Carlos up.

A minute later he’s helping TK change out of his hoodie even though he’s never even seen TK with his shirt off.

“I can do this myself if you’re uncomfortable,” TK says.

“Your dad literally said not to let you. And it’s fine. You realize I’ve seen most of my friends naked? Completely naked on a regular basis. I should warn you that we don’t have normal boundaries.”

“And this is just like that?” TK asks with a smirk that tells Carlos that TK knows exactly how much it isn’t.

“No,” Carlos says firmly. “But also, I’m confident that I can control myself when the main concern is keeping you from getting hurt.”

“Your top voice is really hot,” TK says with a smirk.

“Behave.” Carlos tries to glare at him, but he knows it’s not effective when he’s obviously trying not to laugh.

It’s still so much to carefully maneuver the sweatshirt over TK’s head and then slide it off his injured shoulder. The wound is still covered with bandages on his back and chest. Carlos can’t focus on TK’s perfect muscular chest when it’s marred by the proof that Carlos almost lost him. Carlos knows that he should keep this process professional by TK’s definition and not his own. This isn’t how he thought he’d see TK without a shirt for the first time. But Carlos can’t stop himself from tracing his fingers over the healthy skin around the outside of the bandage on TK’s chest.

“I’m healing really well. I promise. I’m qualified to say that, but if you don’t trust me, Marjan changed them this morning when she came over. If anyone would ignore everything I thought and send me back to the hospital because she thought something was wrong, it’s Marjan. I’m going to be okay. I promise,” TK says.

Carlos nods because he doesn’t want TK to see just how terrified he was when he thought TK might not wake up.

“Sorry. I’m making this weird,” Carlos says.

“No, you’re not. I don’t want you to pretend you care less than you do. It helps my insecurities.”

Carlos nods and leans closer to press light kisses on TK’s shoulder above the bandage.

“This is why I asked if I was dreaming when I first woke up and saw you.”

Carlos smiles against his skin before lifting his head to kiss TK’s lips quickly.

“Not dreaming. Yet. We should make that happen.”

It’s just as awkward but less intense to get TK into a soft t-shirt. Then Carlos guides him to the bed before climbing under the covers from the other side. He only hesitates a second before turning onto his side and moving closer to drape his arm over TK’s waist.

“I’m aware you’re doing this so that you wake up if I try to get up, but I’m going to enjoy it anyway.”

“I’m also doing it because I want to.” Carlos kisses TK’s shoulder before settling next to him. “Go to sleep. I’m tired too, and I’m not going to be able to sleep if I think you’re going to stay awake and sneak away from me. I promised your dad I’d take care of you, and I really want him to believe I can do it well.”

TK groans.

“I thought you were immune to older men manipulating you.”

“This is _very_ different,” Carlos says, cuddling closer before adding. “And maybe _I_ want to prove to _myself_ that I can take care of you.”

“You already know that. You’ve been feeding me for weeks.”

***

**TK:** I’m fine. Stop texting Carlos. I can see his phone going off. He’s sleeping.  
 **Dad:** It’s not me.  
 **TK:** Stop making Michelle text him. We were sleeping. I think he only agreed to nap in my bed because he thought he’d wake up if I got up and tried to run a marathon while lifting weights.  
 **Dad:** Well, you can let him know I approve of this plan.  
 **TK:** I did. I had to get up to pee because *someone* made me drink 5 gallons of water. We now have proof that he wakes up if I get up. Leave us alone so I can pretend you’re not making the guy I like babysit me.

***

TK has never spent so much time in bed with someone he hasn’t slept with, but it’s not a hardship even if he wishes that they could do more than make out. Of course, he knows that even if he was physically able to have sex, they wouldn’t be having it.

“You can admit you’re frustrated,” Carlos says when he pulls away and TK holds himself back from whining.

“I don’t want you feel pressured.”

“I know,” Carlos says, and kisses him again quickly. “And it means a lot that you’re thinking so much about it. But I _know_. And even if I was ready to have sex with you, I wouldn’t be able to, so I don’t have to feel like it’s my fault yet. I don’t need you to hide that you want it. I don’t even want you to.”

“Okay.”

“And I want you, too,” Carlos adds. “I’m just not sure I’d want to go through with it if we could.”

TK has to force himself to answer. Even though he’s over Alex, the rejection of not being enough still stings. But Carlos deserves to hear how he feels.

“I’m just glad you’re here. Even if we’re just lying around and you’re as bad as my dad about not letting me do anything.”

Carlos smiles and cuddles closer.

“I’m glad I’m here too. Especially because you’re determined break rules. I’m telling your dad to rig something that will wake him up if you try to get up at night when I’m not here.”

“I know that I should be annoyed, but your top voice is still _so_ hot.”

Carlos is still laughing when he kisses TK again.

***

**Carlos:** I’m leaving sometime in the morning. I have that counseling thing and then the job.  
 **Michelle:** Thanks. Owen says he should be back by ten, so it should be fine because TK will probably sleep late anyway. And he says thanks.  
 **Carlos:** You can say you’re welcome for me. But you know I didn’t mind.  
 **Michelle:** Oh, I’m sure you didn’t.  
 **Carlos:** Shut up.

***

“You don’t get to make comments when you basically told him to sleep in my bed,” TK says when his dad comes home. He barely woke up when Carlos left in the morning, but he was awake enough appreciate the way Carlos kissed him goodbye and told him to go back to sleep.

“And that’s all you did?”

“I’m not _allowed_ to do anything except kiss, and it’s not your business how much that happened.” TK is going to give them one more day to hover and make him stay on the couch and then he’s leaving the house.

“I think Michelle is going to be following you around at work more than me when you get back. And I’m going to let her because she’s a lot more qualified to keep you alive and very motivated.”

TK can’t help smiling because he knows why. Maybe Judd and Grace made things happen, but TK did _something_ to start Carlos on a path that already has him feeling better and happier. TK is a disaster, but he isn’t pulling anyone down with him this time.

“If I put up with Michelle doing that, can you not say anything about us not having sex to Carlos? He’s not going to do something that will hurt me, and you know that. But if you say something about it, he might take it the wrong way. Sex is kind of complicated for him.”

TK knows his dad well enough that he’s not surprised about his father’s answer.

“I can do that even if you give Michelle a hard time.”


	26. Everyone's got to face down the demons

**Carlos:** I’m going to be off this job later than expected, I think.  
**Carlos:** If you still wanted me to come over tonight.  
**TK:** Everything okay?  
**TK:** I still want to see you, but I understand if you’re tired.  
**Carlos:** Everything is okay. Part of my job is to put everything away and the event is running late. But I get paid for the extra time, so that’s good. It’s just weird to be doing vanilla work. They like me at least.  
**TK:** If you don’t want to come over, it’s okay, but if I fall asleep, I still want you to come over. My dad will let you in. But you don’t have to. I don’t think I’ll actually roll over in my sleep and hurt myself if you’re not here. And I know it’s might be weird to ask you to just come sleep in my bed.

***

TK wakes up when his bed moves. He shuffles backwards and Carlos’s arm wraps about him. TK hums with pleasure. It’s closer than how they slept before with Carlos’s arm draped over his waist like he was just making sure he’d wake up if TK moved. TK pulls him closer and snuggles. If Carlos thinks it’s too much, TK can claim it’s because he just woke up. But Carlos kisses the back of his neck and holds him close.

“Sleep. We can talk in the morning.”

***

TK wakes up still in Carlos’s arms. It’s scary how much he wants to get used to this, but he feels like he isn’t as scared about it as he should be. When TK pulls him closer, Carlos huffs out a laugh and nuzzles the back of his neck.

“If you want to get up, I can try to make you breakfast with whatever’s in your kitchen.”

“I warned you about spoiling me, and I’m surprised my _dad_ didn’t warn you about it, too,” TK says.

“You did. And he mentioned something, but he seems to think you deserve it, so I think you should let me. At least until you’re feeling better.”

TK turns onto his back so he can look at Carlos. “I _am_ feeling better.”

“Uh huh. Your dad said you tried to do too much yesterday.” Carlos strokes his jaw. It’s unfair. TK can’t be annoyed when Carlos is touching him like he’s special and looking at him like _that_.

“I was fine. I was just tired. We went to see the boy—the boy who shot me. He seems like a good kid. I think it helped him to see that I was okay.”

Carlos smiles at him and cups his cheek. TK keeps trying to explain how messed up he is. The crazy thing is that Carlos seems to both understand it and like him anyway.

“Did my dad go to work?” TK asks instead of telling Carlos that he’s crazy for wanting to be here again.

“He did. When I talked to him last night, he said he’s only doing a half day.”

“He’s enjoying that I’m letting you babysit me because I want to see you anyway,” TK should be mad about it, but he knows how much Carlos worried about meeting his dad. He knows Carlos still can’t believe that his dad is _encouraging_ them to spend time together. He doesn’t want to take that acceptance away.

Also, he wants breakfast.

***

TK suspects that Carlos texted Michelle to ask his dad’s opinion before agreeing to leave the house, but TK has boba so that’s what matters.

“I told my dad that I was thinking of quitting,” TK admits when Carlos calls him out for avoiding the subject. “He’s trying to act like he’s fine with it, but I know he’ll be disappointed.”

“He’ll get over it. He loves you,” Carlos tells him. “It’s why he worries so much. But can I ask you to promise me something selfish?”

“You can ask.”

Carlos has never been selfish at all since TK met him.

“Don’t get desperate and ask me about the club. I know it’s unfair, and I know some people can handle it. But for me it was supposed to be temporary until I figured something out. And then I just got stuck. If you try it and you get stuck, it’s going to feel like my fault. And maybe I’ll have a slow day where I don’t mind if you come see me at work, but right now I just want you far away from that part of my life.”

“Okay. I wasn’t going to ask, but I can promise I won’t.”

“I know you probably weren’t. But people say it a lot. That they’re just going to go be a stripper. And sometimes they start asking. And I never want it to be my fault if someone gets into it and gets hurt. It’s bad enough that I couldn’t protect Iris.”

TK reaches across the table to put his hand over Carlos’s.

“Whatever happened to Iris, it’s not your fault. You didn’t get her into it and it’s not your fault if someone hurt her. It’s not anyone’s fault but the person who hurt her. Okay? Even if you had gotten her into it, it wouldn’t be your fault.”

Carlos doesn’t look like he believes TK at all. Obviously, it’s something TK will have to keep telling him, but for now, TK can at least promise not to make it worse.

“I promise I won’t try it. You’ve already convinced me that I don’t want to, and my dad would worry because he’s gotten to know you. If I have to listen to my mom try to send me to college while I’m unemployed in her apartment, then I’ll do that. But I can probably be unemployed in my dad’s house for a while. I’m on paid leave for now anyway.”

The waitress puts the credit machine in front of Carlos. TK smirks. She’s not wrong. Carlos is definitely the top between the two of them. But TK takes it anyway.

“You’re about to be unemployed,” Carlos says.

“Yeah, but they didn’t cut our pay when we moved here, so I’ll be okay, and I’ll get paid as long as I’m on medical leave. _And_ my dad will support me again if it comes to that. If you keep cooking occasionally, he’ll let me stay as long as I want.”

Carlos laughs and nods to indicate that he’ll let TK pay this time. It doesn’t end up mattering because the machine malfunctions and then no one ends up caring that they never paid for their drinks.

***

Carlos likes to think he’s good in crazy situations. He _is_ good in crazy situations. He just doesn’t see them the same way that TK does. If there’s little or no danger and he’s at work, he is the ideal person for the job, because he can keep his head and make people happy because very few things seem crazy next to the things he’s dealt with in the last few years.

But if there’s danger? His first priority is to get anyone he cares about and then himself to safety. Yes, he was willing to protect Reese from a broken bottle, but then he got them both into the dressing room and away from danger without worrying about the customers or the bouncers. He protects his own people because he doesn’t know that anyone else will.

TK runs _toward_ the danger even though he’s still healing, and Carlos wants to take him far away.

“I can help. You have to let me help,” TK says. “Call 911. Find a landline if your phone won’t work. Try to get people to stay on the sidewalk if you can, okay?”

TK kisses him and then runs away from him to help.

Inside the juice bar, there’s already an employee on the phone with 911. Carlos tells her about TK, that he’s helping, and that even through he’s a firefighter, he’s already injured. Then Carlos doesn’t know what to do. But it’s TK. Carlos isn’t going to run into danger for strangers, but he needs to know TK is okay. He will run into danger for TK.

And TK clearly needs help because he’s pulling the bumper off the front of the bus.

“Carlos, you should stay back. There’s a gas leak. You need to go back to the sidewalk,” TK says when Carlos runs to him.

“You’re bleeding.”

“I just popped one of my stitches.” TK pushes him away. “Carlos, I have to work. The driver is stuck.”

“Let me help. Tell me what to do. I’m stronger than you right now.”

TK only hesitates for a second before nodding and turning back to the bus.

“That’s my bumper?” The driver asks when they enter and TK wedges it under the metal on top of her.

“Well, it’s no jaws of life, but it should do.”

TK lets Carlos help him push on the bumper as the driver points out that TK’s bleeding. It takes a lot for Carlos not to comment when TK says it’s not a big deal, but he’s not going to admit that he wants to argue when the women whose life they’re trying to save might die. It doesn’t matter anyway because the bus catches fire. TK tells him to keep trying to free her while he uses the fire extinguisher to put it out. But it’s still not enough. When the driver tells them to go, Carlos hates himself for it, but he agrees with her. But TK shoves him away and gives her his breath, so Carlo keeps trying to pull the metal free.

Until there’s a hand on his shoulder pulling him away.

“Let us get in. Go, go.”

Carlos listens. If there’s anyone else that will get TK out, it’s his father.

He’s pulled away from the bus as soon as he’s out.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. Help the driver,” Carlos tells Paul as he looks back toward the bus and sees Owen coming out with TK as Judd and Marjan climb inside.

“Go with to ambulance.” Paul pushes him toward the ambulance, but after he turns away, Carlos goes to where Owen has laid TK out on the ground. He doesn’t want to get in the captain’s way, but Michelle’s going to have to drag him away herself if she wants him to leave to TK. And TK? TK gets up as soon as he sees that the driver is out.

Carlos lets TK hug his father, but he’s glad when Owen beats him to telling TK to get in the ambulance already.

“You too. You probably inhaled something,” Owen says.

“I’m fine,” Carlos says but he’s not really arguing. He doesn’t want to leave TK anyway, so he climbs in the back of the ambulance after him.

“Really?” Michelle says when she sees him. She already has TK’s shirt off and she’s cleaning his wounds. Other paramedics are working on the driver.

“I’m fine,” Carlos says. “Owen told me to come because I was near the fire, but I just wanted to stay with him. You know I’m going to turn down medical care.”

“Is he lying?” Michelle asks as she does something that makes TK wince.

“He should get checked out and get some oxygen,” TK says. “But he’s probably fine and I can keep an eye on him myself if you don’t want to fight with him about it. But if you _do_ want to fight him about it, I’m going to take your side.”

Carlos rolls his eyes, but it’s enough for him, so he nods. When TK pushes an oxygen mask on his face, he lets it happen.

“Okay,” Michelle says to TK after Carlos accepts the mask. “But I agree with Reese now. Either you gave him a medical kink, or he already had one. He never agrees to let me check on him that easily.”

“Why are you talking to Reese about that?” Carlos asks because he’s not going to tell an ambulance of TK’s co-workers that they’ve only kissed. They’ve now kissed a lot, but that’s still all they’ve done. Reese’s insistence that they’ve discovered Carlos has a medical kink has no real evidence.

“You know if I thought you really weren’t okay, I would make you get medical care,” TK says as he pushes the oxygen mask back toward Carlos’s face with his right hand.

Carlos would have to be unconscious to want that kind of debt, but he decides they can have that argument if it comes up again. It probably won’t because he’s not letting TK leave his bed for a long time.

Of course, TK wants to go back to the firehouse after they’ve finished putting in new stitches.

“I promise that I’ll be okay. I won’t do anything. I’ll surrounded by medical supplies and the next shift will be in soon. If you text Michelle, she’ll probably tell someone to check on me for you.”

“I’m going to do that,” Carlos tells him, but he gives in. At the station, TK brings him inside. It’s almost empty because every crew is out dealing with the disasters around the city.

“If you don’t argue with me about checking you out,” TK says. “I’ll let you hang around while I shower, and you can help me put a shirt on before you go home.”

Carlos wasn’t going to argue even if he feels fine. It’s not a hardship to have TK’s hands on him. He still doesn’t have a medical kink. He might have a hand kink, but it’s for very specific hands.

***

“Are you completely freaked out about me being a firefighter now that you saw it?”

Carlos would have preferred to have TK at home in bed, but TK napped at the station while Carlos picked up his car and went home to shower. And he didn’t fall for it when Carlos said that _he_ was tired. So they’re lying on a blanket outside of town because Carlos wanted to get TK somewhere safe, and he used the stars as an excuse. In his defense, the sky _does_ look amazing.

“I knew you were a firefighter.”

“I know I scared you today. And I’m kind of worried that you’re going to wish I’d decided to quit my job,” TK says, studying Carlos’s face in a way that makes Carlos school his expression reflexively.

“You were alone, with no gear, and you were already hurt,” Carlos points out.

“I know. But I knew I could help. I had to try.”

“You’re a better person than me,” Carlos admits. “I only helped because I was scared for you.”

“ _No_ ,” TK says with so much conviction than Carlos at least believes that _TK_ believes it. “You’re not trained. If I hadn’t been hurt, and I hadn’t been alone, I wouldn’t have let you help because you would’ve just been in the way. That’s why I told you to get back the first time. It’s why I let them pull me out. Because they needed the space and the tools. And it’s not bad that you wanted to save me first. My dad and I fight the instinct to product each other first all the time, and when I got shot, Marjan and Paul helped me first until Michelle took over and _then_ they went to our original patient. We’re not perfect. And if it had come down to it, I would’ve made you leave. And I would’ve tried until the last minute, but I would’ve left if I had to.”

“I tried to join the police academy when I was younger. That’s why I came down here. I wanted to help people. But I didn’t last two weeks.” It’s not something Carlos likes to talk about. That kid who thought he could help fix a broken system doesn’t even feel like him anymore. 

TK threads their fingers together and brings Carlos’s hand to his lips.

“I’m sure that’s not because _you_ weren’t a good person.”

Carlos nods. He’s learned over the years that people will say a lot of awful things to him when they don’t see him as a person. They’ll find out he was born in Texas and say all kinds of things about undocumented people because they think that he’ll agree if he was born in the United States. He wishes he could say that he always walked away and never took that money, but he figured their money was better off with him if he could take it. But he couldn’t do that with the two detectives that came in and told him that they liked to use black people as target practice no matter how desperate he was for money. He isn’t so broken that he could hide his shock even if he wanted to. And he can rationalize reallocating their money when it’s about him. He needs be able to look Reese and Tyson in the eye.

“I’m going to believe you if you what to tell me what happened then,” TK says when Carlos doesn’t volunteer more of the story. “ _We_ help _everyone_. And that includes the people the police hurt. We have to work with the cops, but I know how things usually go. I can’t promise everyone I work with agrees with me, but I know my dad does and Paul _definitely_ does.”

“Thanks, but not yet,” Carlos says. “It’s not about that. I’m just not sure I could do your job either.”

“I _know_ I couldn’t do your job,” TK says. “I could maybe do the fun parts and the stage, but putting up with people I really don’t want touching me? No. I’m not judging you for not wanting to do my job. But I think I need you to be able to deal with it when I go back.”

“I can deal with your job,” Carlos says. “ _And_ I’m glad that will mean you’re staying in Austin. But I need you to give yourself time to heal now. I’ll feel better about your job if you’re in the right shape to do it.”

“Does that mean you’re going to be even worse about coordinating with my dad to babysit me?”

Carlos’s stomach drops until he looks over and sees TK’s smile.

“If you get sick me, I think your dad will just take more time off work,” Carlos points out. “I should be working anyway. They just canceled my job today because of the solar flare. So you’ll only have me all day a couple times a week.”

“My dad is probably calling Grace right now to try to hire you.”

“I think I have to get my background check back before I can babysit, and I’d probably need some kind of training to be a healthcare aid. I don’t know, but I don’t think that’s even an option. Though Judd mentioned he tries to come up with reasons to send people out to his dad’s house because his dad won’t hire an aid. He might give your dad that idea.”

“He’s going to try to pay you to skip Lucky Cowboy _at least_. You should charge him your full service rate.”

Carlos isn’t going to do that. Probably. It depends on how likely it seems that TK will hurt himself again in a week.

“Maybe you could just promise to stay home while we work?” Carlos suggests.

“So that I don’t happen on a disaster? You know that’s not likely to happen again.”

Carlos turns on his side because he’d rather look at TK than the stars. “I was scared. And I might text you more because I’ll worry when you go back to work. But I love that it matters so much to you that you help people.” Carlos realizes that he used the word _love_ and keeps going in hopes that TK won’t notice. “You didn’t have to push me to let you help the day I met you. But you did, and you made me feel safe while you were doing it. I would’ve understood if you’d quit, but I’m not surprised that you decided you’re meant to do this. I knew that. I knew that the day I met you. I just thought you needed to figure that out yourself. I might have told you if I thought you’d need to rip your stitches to figure it out.”

TK turns on his side to mirror Carlos so that he can look at him. He doesn’t say anything for a minute. He just studies Carlos’s face.

“I’m still a mess,” TK says. “And you have to know that most of the reason my dad doesn’t want to leave me alone is because I admitted I’m having a harder time staying sober again. He’s more worried that I’m going to get drugs than that I’m going to pull my stitches. He just doesn’t want to say that, but you should know that.”

“It’s okay.” Carlos isn’t even sure why TK thinks his addiction is such a big issue. Carlos has known addicts at different stages. TK is determined and he has a lot of support. Most importantly, he’s admitted to multiple people that he’s struggling. It’s obviously not foolproof, but it means that it’s not likely to be something Carlos has to deal with alone if he relapses.

“I don’t want you to feel pressure,” TK says. “And I think you know that I mean it when I say you can take as much time to be ready for sex as you need. But I’m ready to say this is something when you’re ready.”

“Even with how things are now?”

“I’m okay with how things are now. But it’s up to you. I’m not in a hurry. If you need more time, it’s okay. I just want you to know where I am.”

Carlos thinks about how Michelle pointed out that he’s obviously in love with TK a few hours earlier. She’s not wrong.

“I’m afraid I’ll mess up,” Carlos admits. “I’m afraid I’ll get a client who offers me a lot of money and I’ll feel like I can’t turn it down.”

Carlos can’t look at him. How can he? How can he look at the man he loves and admit that he’s afraid that he’ll cave if someone asks him to cheat for a lot of money? Maybe it’s not the same as just cheating because he wants to, but it’s still dishonest if he’s told TK that he won’t do it.

“How likely do you think that is?” TK asks. “I don’t have to know what a lot of money is in that situation, but I also know that you’d never do it because you _want_ to do it. If that happens, I honestly can’t tell you how I’d react. I really don’t know. I never thought I’d be okay with knowing that someone I was dating was kissing someone else or flirting with other people and sitting on their laps. But I’ve realized that I think it’s kind of unfair that people would think that what you do is any different than an actor who is in a relationship kissing someone else for a movie. I just need you to talk to me. But I can tell you that my very first concern when you told me that is that I know you’re going to be so hard on yourself if that happens. I don’t know how I’ll feel about it or deal with it. But I know it’ll hurt you and that’s what scares me about it right now. I know you’re going to blame yourself more than I’ll blame you.”

“You’re so hard on yourself,” Carlos says. “But I’m having a lot harder time quitting this than you’re having staying sober.”

“Well, drugs don’t help me pay my rent,” TK says. “But seriously. It’s up to you when we label it. It’s not going to change anything for me anyway. We can keep going how we are.”

“I’ll think about it.”

***

Carlos keeps expecting TK to not want to spend so much time with him. He keeps expecting TK to tell him that they shouldn’t go from seeing each other once a week to sleeping in the same bed for the second night in a row—especially after he hesitated on labeling their relationship. But when he drives TK home, TK leads him inside even though his dad is home.

“You’ll tell me if I’m asking too much, right?” TK asks when they’re already in the room and Carlos is silently cursing TK’s insistence on wearing pullover hoodies. They make hoodies with zippers. Maybe if Carlos loans one of his own zip-up hoodies, TK will wear something easier to take on and off.

“What do you mean?” Carlos pauses with the sweatshirt still on TK’s injured shoulder.

“I’ve kind just expected you to come over and entertain me while I’m injured, and also sleep in my bed. I really will be okay if you need a break.”

Carlos can’t believe TK somehow doesn’t know that he’s completely in love with him, but logically, _Carlos_ is still holding back. TK said he was ready to be all in, and Carlos was too scared to agree.

Carlos pulls sweatshirt the rest of the way off and tosses it aside. Then he steps closer and takes TK’s face in his hands.

“I want to be here. I almost lost you. _Again_. I need some space after I work, but that’s not about you. I’m sorry that I’m scared that I won’t be able to quit, but it’s not because I don’t want to be with you. I’m just not used to thinking it will be okay, and that I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to. But it’s not you. I like you so much that it scares me. You’re not too much at all.”

Carlos tries to put how much he feels for TK into his kiss. He kisses TK like he hasn’t kissed anyone in years. When he pulls back, TK hides his face his Carlos’s neck.

“Too much?” Carlos asks.

“No. Perfect.”

Carlos kisses the top of his head before pulling away.

“Come on. You need sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, both of the stories that Carlos tells about clients in this chapter are true.
> 
> In other news, mostly because I don’t want to end this chapter on that note on a holiday, I finished this story last night. I did start a spinoff that I can’t believe I’m writing because it’s not what I planned. But I’m also going to write a few extras because even though the story felt concluded, there are things I didn’t get to that are very important. 😉


	27. I'll keep waiting at the borderline

Carlos leaves early in the morning, so TK is left to spend the morning with his father. It’s harder in the morning to believe that everything is going to work out. Of course, his dad notices.

“You want to talk about it?”

“I’m probably being stupid,” TK says as he picks at the breakfast his dad put in front of him. It’s not as good as anything Carlos has made.

“If I didn’t call your problems stupid when you lost your favorite stuffed animal, I’m not going to say it now.”

TK rolls his eyes.

“You probably thought it, and I’m still blaming you for that.”

“ _You_ left it in a taxi. Not me.”

“ _Mom_ totally agreed it was your fault.” It’s the kind of low blow TK hasn’t pulled out since he was a teenager. He knows his dad probably felt horrible for not noticing. “Sorry. You should maybe keep a safe distance.”

“I’m your father. I’m not going anywhere when you’re having a bad day. Not after what happened.”

Not after TK admitted that he’s struggling with his sobriety is what his dad means.

“Come on. Talk to me.”

TK knows most guys wouldn’t even consider having the conversations he’s had with his dad. But they’ve been through more embarrassing things than TK’s insecurities about his relationship.

“It’s just, what if Carlos gets his life together and he doesn’t need me anymore?” Carlos is amazing, and TK wasn’t even able to really help him in the end. Judd says it’s better. He says it’s better if Carlos doesn’t think getting help depends on his relationship with TK, but TK still feels like he should’ve done more.

His dad looks at him like he’s never said anything so stupid. Which is not fair. TK wanted to grow up to be a dinosaur when he was three.

“That man is crazy about you. Did something happen? Because seemed fine when he left this morning.”

“No. Not really. He just didn’t want to put a label on things when I said I was ready. I just thought he would.”

“Did he say why?”

TK isn’t sure he wants to give his dad the full answer. He wants his dad to like Carlos and he knows how much it means to Carlos that so far, he _does_. But he does know that his dad won’t ask for details.

“He’s says he’s afraid he’s going to mess something up. That someone’s going to offer him money for something and he’s not going to feel like he can turn it down and I’m going to get upset.”

His dad doesn’t answer right away.

“He’s been in this for years,” Owen says. “It’s only been a little over a week since he talked to Judd about all this. Combined with you in a coma, I don’t think it’s sunk in yet. I can’t tell you what to feel about any of this. But I can tell you that he looks at you like you’re the best thing in his life.”

TK smiles because he knows that much is true. Sometimes, he’s scared he’ll never live up to it, but today, it helps.

“You’ve both had a lot happen in the last couple weeks,” his dad says. “Give it some time.”

“You think I’m freaking out and clinging because of the drugs.”

“I think it would be completely rational to be feeling like this if you weren’t an addict and if you hadn’t been given drugs in the hospital,” Owen says. “If that makes it worse, I think you’re still doing really well.”

“Thanks.” TK doesn’t feel like it’s true considering how he woke up feeling.

“I’m going to tell you the same thing I told you in the hospital. Talk to him.”

“He’s working. And he’s so worried about doing a good job. I don’t want to make him answer his phone because he _will_ and then he’ll stress about it.” TK thinks Carlos is stressing for no reason, but he also knows that Judd and Grace probably pulled some strings to get things moving quickly. He doesn’t want to get in the way of Carlos doing a good job.

“Okay. Well, talk to him tonight, then.”

“I literally got insecure before bed last night and he told me not to worry about it. I can’t do it again already.”

“I think you can.”

***

 **TK:** Did you make sure Carlos was working Monday so that he *couldn’t* work Lucky Cowboy Sunday night?  
**Judd:** Nope. I texted Grace. She says people who hire through the organization talk to each other and she heard he was a really hard worker and didn’t complain about anything. He made a good impression.  
**Judd:** Grace says he agreed to work Mondays three times a month because they agreed he was only going there once a month. That’s just his availability?  
**TK:** I *know* He’s putting pressure on himself. Like if he doesn’t get a job, he should just go to the club.  
**TK:** We’re both waiting for something to go wrong with this, I think.  
**Judd:** Don’t think like that. The whole goal with this to get him to the point of not needing help. We’re watching out for him. And I don’t know the details of anything, but he’s supposed to try to do what he agreed to.  
**TK:** Thanks  
**Judd:** Do you want me to talk to Grace about it?  
**TK:** No. It’s better if I just keep hoping they find him work on Mondays and I just try to talk to him about it.  
**Judd:** Just get better.  
**TK:** Aww. You miss me?  
**Judd:** Ready have your dad back full time so I don’t have to do so much paperwork.

***

 **TK:** Judd says they just like you. He didn’t do anything.  
**Carlos:** Grace said I passed my background check.  
**TK:** I know you were worried but Judd said a million times that it sounded like you would.  
**Carlos:** I just feel like if someone finds out, they’ll decide it doesn’t matter if I never got caught doing anything illegal.  
**TK:** They can’t just put something on a background check like that.  
**Carlos:** Maybe not. But people can still decide they don’t want to hire me if they find out.  
**TK:** Then they are garbage people that you don’t want to work for. And I *do* know it’s true and it sucks. But they still don’t deserve you.  
**Carlos:** Did you still want me to come back tonight? You were kind of out of it this morning when you said you did.  
**TK:** Yes, but you don’t have to.  
**Carlos:** I want to.

***

TK knew Carlos would figure out that he was upset. But his dad is right. He’s not going to feel better until he sees Carlos and has his fears calmed.

“What’s wrong?” Carlos asks as soon as they pull back from their greeting kiss. It should calm TK that it’s even expected that he’s greeted with a kiss.

“Just a bad mental health day,” TK admits. It helps that he knows Carlos can understand that. “I just keep doubting everything.”

“Including me?” Carlos asks with his hands holding TK’s face so that TK has to look at him.

“A little,” TK admits. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just having a bad day. I’m struggling and then I think everything is going to go wrong. Like maybe after you figure everything out, you’ll realize I’m not that special.”

“You _are_ special,” Carlos pulls him into a hug and lets TK nuzzle his neck. “Is it because I was scared to settle exactly what we are?”

“Maybe a little, but I’d probably feel like this no matter what. It’s just me sometimes. It’s not your fault.”

Carlos’s fingers roll rub over the nape of his neck and TK sighs and tries to relax into his touch.

“I have those days,” Carlos says. “I’m still wondering what you see in me besides my looks. You could find another hot guy with less problems.”

“That’s really not true. Because most of the guys I’ve met here I haven’t wanted to see again.”

TK’s surprised when Carlos pulls away from him. Usually, once Carlos is open to being touched, he welcomes having TK in his space completely. TK must look worried because Carlos gives him a nervous smile.

“I’m sorry that I’m so scared of messing up that I’m making you doubt things. I’m going to try to trust you okay?”

“Okay?” TK’s not sure why _Carlos_ seems so nervous.

Then Carlos takes a deep breath and says, “I’m not going to change my mind. I’m just scared because I’m ridiculously in love with you, and I guess it feels like if I mess up, you’re more likely to forgive me if we haven’t promised anything. You don’t have to say it, but you should know how I feel so that you don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to. I’m not holding back because I want to. It just feels like too much sometimes and it scares me. I’ve spent the last three years trying not to feel like this about anyone.”

TK’s always been the one who falls first. He’s not ready to say it back, but he doesn’t want Carlos to regret saying it. So he goes back into Carlos’s arms and cuddles close.

“I’m sorry I’m not ready to say it too. I think I’ll get there. I do. But thank you for telling me that because, wow, that definitely helped,” TK laughs into Carlos’s chest. He feels Carlos press a kiss to the top of his head.

“It’s okay,” Carlos says. “I’d rather know you really mean it when you say it. I kind of hear it a lot, but they’re not really saying it to _me_.”

“Then who are they saying it too? Because I can see how you’d be easy to fall in love with.”

Carlos kisses the side of his head before leading him to the couch.

“Where’s your dad?”

“Out with Zoe. He just left. If Judd knew when you got off work, I would’ve blamed him for telling my dad so he could coordinate. He knew I wasn’t having a good day. He might have actually pushed their date back until you were on the way.”

Carlos grins, sits down on the couch and pulls TK into his lap. It should be more sexual than it feels, but right now, TK just wants to be close to him.

“It’s easy to make people fall in love with you when you make everything about them and never let them see the hard stuff—when everything is about what they want and what they like. They think they love me, but they just love that fantasy person that I could never keep up. It’s this manufactured person who never has problems and never gets angry or tired when they want something. It’s completely one-sided and most people don’t notice. They just think they’ve met this person that’s perfect for them. That’s why it’s work. It’s exhausting. It’s also why I don’t have a lot of regulars. I like the tourists. They spend money and they leave, but it still happens. Because I hide the parts where I’m drinking Red Bull to stay awake for them or pouring out alcohol on the floor because they want to keep drinking and I can’t. Sometimes I don’t even go to the bathroom until they go at the same time because if I leave at the wrong time, I’ll lose money. They don’t see us as people because we don’t act like real people.

Iris—she was so good at it. She could be anyone. She could adapt to be exactly what they wanted. When she disappeared, her regulars kept showing up at her club looking for her because she wasn’t answering her phone, and one of her friends would let me know she wasn’t with that specific guy so we could probably cross him off a suspect list. But I knew she wouldn’t really just disappear with one of them. That wasn’t what she wanted. Now Reese? Reese is on a mission for a sugar daddy.”

“I almost want to see how my dad deals with him.”

Carlos laughs.

“You’ll regret that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have hit writer’s block on a whim and decided to write a fic for Reese. I personally headcannon Owen as being totally straight, but sometimes it’s fun to experiment with things. Should I even post it? Does anyone want that? So far pre-readers have liked it and been as surprised about that as me.
> 
> Also, I got a promotion today. It’s sort of a temporary promotion so I’m only full time with health insurance until late June, but it’s putting my foot further in the door. When I started my current job in September, it was clear I wasn’t going to be able to get all the certifications for the job I wanted long-term very quickly. So I took a job that had me hopping from (virtual) location to location every single day. The only way to get a promotion to get closer to a livable wage was “be good enough that a location asks to make an exception to hire you.” My promotion is temporary because I’m taking over a maternity leave, but that happened today. They had to call HR and actually tried to pull strings to get me certified to pay me more. It’s temporary (I will go back to my old job after this assignment) but it’ll get my foot further in the door and maybe let save some for summer. (When my job is not available for 2 months.) Anyway, this will definitely be back to weekend posting after this because I start on Monday.
> 
> I’m still kind of terrified that I’m going to lose it if they find out my past. I hope everyone who made it this far realizes that someone who did sex work isn’t a bad, dirty person who is too tainted to work another job. Actually, I can work a job in a pandemic that everyone else is struggling in because after being sexually assaulted every time I worked for years, I’m fine. lol


	28. Don't you wanna save this dirty little damsel?

Carlos doesn’t feel like he deserves all the help he’s getting. Everyone else he’s met through the work he’s done seems more deserving. But TK points out that he’s not saying that anyone else he meets should do sex work instead of getting help. He’s just thinking that about himself. Carlos still can’t help hoping that he’ll somehow make enough money at the club that at the end of it all, he won’t have to show up with his bills and ask for help. It doesn’t help that he’s only qualified for grunt work jobs and it’s obvious that TK and his dad are stocking their house with food and asking him to cook so that he doesn’t have to pay for food.

But Sunday after working his shift at Reveal, he still wants space from TK. He’s tired, and he can’t order food because it feels like a waste of money when the money for his bills might not be money that he earned himself. He texted TK on the way home Saturday night, but now he just doesn’t want to get out of bed. The only part of his apartment that he’s ever paid attention to is the kitchen. TK and Owen have only been in Austin a few months, but their house feels like a home while that Carlos’s apartment just feels like a space where he sleeps. After spending nights with TK, he’s glad TK has never spent the night in his dark, depressing bedroom. Iris would tell him to get up and turn on his light therapy light, or even better, get up and go into the living room where he has real light.

Instead, he stays in bed and thinks about how TK didn’t say “I love you” back.

Carlos gives into the temptation to stay in bed even after he knows he’s taking a depression nap and not sleeping because he needs the extra rest to recover from his shift.

It’s dark outside and Carlos has only gotten up to eat once when he gets a Facebook call from Daphne.

No one uses Facebook to call people normally. But also, no one Carlos knows calls people on purpose at all. The only reason Carlos even talks to Daphne is that she’s the only person who’s searched for Iris more than him and Michelle. So Carlos picks up.

“I saw Vanity, I mean Iris. I saw her,” Daphne says. Carlos jumps up as she gives him a cross street. Daphne works with Sex Workers Outreach Project. Carlos doesn’t use most of their services because he usually wants to forget what he does whenever he’s not doing it. He’s only showed up for STI testing when they offer it for free. He’s always known that Daphne works with sex workers who work on the streets, but no one that he knows works that way. Even after all the websites shut down, everyone he knows found other ways. He can’t imagine Iris working the streets, but he follows Daphne’s directions until he finds her in the SWOP van in a part of Austin that he usually avoids.

“She’s in that car,” Daphne says after Carlos gets out of the car. “I didn’t want to interrupt her alone.”

“You’re sure it’s her?”

“Mostly? I think.”

Carlos calls Michelle. He knows he should have done that immediately, but he wasn’t thinking, and he was afraid to hang up with Daphne.

“Trust me. Don’t waste time. Bring medical supplies,” Carlos says before telling her the cross streets.

They’re in a car and Carlos is afraid they’ll drive again before she gets out. It’s a risk to try to give Michelle time, but he doesn’t know for sure that it’s Iris, and he doesn’t know how the guy with her would react to being interrupted. He has no idea what’s going on, so if he can give Michelle time to get there, maybe it’ll be easier.

But then the car door opens and it’s Iris.

It’s Iris. Standing right on the sidewalk a few feet from him.

When Carlos snaps out of his shock, he opens the door of his car and runs.

Iris turns and shakes her head at him, but he doesn’t care. He’s sure he’s faster than her and he doesn’t have a plan other than that. But she doesn’t run.

“Iris. We thought you were dead,” Carlos says and then he hugs her because he needs to know she’s real.

“Wade missed the turn. Mandy moved her mouth, but no words happened, so I left.”

It doesn’t make any sense. Maybe it means Wade and Mandy are dead, but the wording is weird and it’s hardly an explanation.

“Iris, what happened? Where have you been?”

Iris shakes her head.

“They follow me.”

“Who? Who follows you? Why didn’t you tell me so I could help you?”

“They wouldn’t like it,” Iris says. “They said dead, dread, red if they can, and they—they prefer it when distance satisfies.”

Iris curls into herself and stakes her head. Carlos is relieved when Daphne steps up next him. He’s played so many conversations in his head, but in his head, Iris made more sense. Daphne holds out a plastic bag. It’s one of the plastic bags she gives out regularly to workers on the street. With condoms and wipes and other things Carlos has only taken notice of to pass off lists of needed donations to Michelle.

“So you’re safe,” Daphne says as Iris digs through it.

“You should go,” Iris says. “They won’t like it.”

Iris startles before Carlos can answer her. She looks past him, then she starts to back away.

“No. You shouldn’t have brought her,” Iris says. “It’s not safe.”

But when Michelle hugs her, Iris lets her before pushing her away. Carlos can’t hear what she says to Michelle, but he’s spent enough time with Michelle that he can see when her face shifts from confusion to understanding.

“Iris,” Michelle asks gently. “Will you take a ride with me? Just for a little while.”

“Oh no, I would, but I can’t, I can’t.”

“Iris,” Michelle says with enough conviction to get Iris’s attention. “Trust.”

Iris looks from Michelle to him and he nods. He thanks Daphne and then follows Michelle in his car. He’s not surprised that they end up at the hospital.

Iris lets Michelle take her inside while Carlos texts TK

**Carlos:** We found Iris. Can you come to the hospital? She’s okay, but Michelle wants to get her checked out. I’m kind of freaking out.  
**TK:** Wow. Okay. Yes, I’m on the way.

Carlos sits with Iris while Michelle talks to the nurse in the emergency room.

“Michelle said you’re quitting. I thought you’d quit a long time ago. I thought you’d take care of each other.”

“We needed you,” Carlos says before he realizes that it’s probably not the best thing to say.

Iris fiddles with the sleeves on the hoodie Michelle gave her. Carlos notices that the string on the hoodie has been pulled all the way out even though Michelle hates that and always ties an extra knot to keep it from happening. Iris says things under her breath that Carlos doesn’t understand, and he thinks he’s lost her again. Then she looks up at him.

“She said you’re dating someone,” Iris says with a smirk.

“Yeah,” Carlos can’t help smiling when he says it. “He’s kind of amazing.”

***

Michelle goes back with Iris, but Carlos isn’t family, so he’s alone when TK comes rushing in. As soon as Carlos is in TK’s arms, he feels like he can breathe again. He buries his face in TK’s neck so he can inhale his scent instead of smelling the antiseptic of the hospital. TK’s hand cradles his head and Carlos feels a kiss on his temple. He could do this alone. He’s a master at handling things on his own. But he really doesn’t want to. He worried that asking TK to come immediately was too much as soon as he sent the text, but now he’s glad that he did.

“There’s something wrong with her. She’s not the same…mentally,” Carlos turns his head so he’s not talking into TK’s neck, but he doesn’t want to let go. “She’s been living on the street and working on the street when she has to.”

“I’m sorry,” TK says, “But she’s alive and you know where she’s is.”

Carlos chokes on a sob he didn’t even know he’d been holding in.

“Hey,” TK says. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be here as much as you need.”

“I was so sure she was dead. If I’d looked harder…”

“You looked. Michelle looked. You had a network of people looking. And someone found her. Austin’s not as big as New York but it’s not a small town. And from what Michelle texted my dad, she didn’t want to be found.”

Carlos doesn’t answer him. He just stays in TK’s arms and lets TK hold him.

“Thanks for coming,” Carlos says when he finally feels like he can talk again.

“Of course. I’m not going anywhere. Let’s sit, okay?”

TK keeps his arm around Carlos even after they’re seated.

“My dad is parking. He was worried too, and he’s friends with Michelle.”

For once Carlos can’t make himself care about impressing TK’s dad. He just nods and tries not to think too much about it.

When Iris’s mother comes in, she goes back to find Iris while Carlos waits with TK and his dad. He’s not expecting Iris to come storming out by herself.

He jumps up and runs to her immediately.

“I have to go home,” Iris says. “Michelle lied. I have to go home.”

Carlos doesn’t know what to say. They don’t know where _home_ is. If she walks away, he’ll lose her again.

“Can we drive you?” TK asks.

Iris looks at him, smiles and asks Carlos, “The boyfriend Michelle says you won’t say is your boyfriend? He’s hot. That’s really stupid that he’s not your boyfriend, Carlos.”

Carlos laughs. “I’m kind of stupid without you. You should know that.”

“You really are,” Iris says. “Okay. You can drive me home.”

Iris spends half the drive directing Carlos and the other half turning around to the backseat to ask TK questions. If things were different, he’d be telling Iris that she can’t ask TK personal questions and demand things when Carlos hasn’t even fully committed. But he’s too focused on how she doesn’t make sense sometimes and she’s directing him a place in town that he’s not going to want to leave her.

She leads them to a homeless camp Carlos knows Michelle has been to.

“You shouldn’t let her come here alone,” Iris says. “It’s not safe.”

Iris dismisses him when Carlos points out that if it’s not safe for Michelle then it’s not safe for her either. But she lets them walk her to the tent she’s been living in. Carlos is afraid to leave her even though she insists that they have to go, so he texts Michelle with their location.

**Michelle:** I have a few people there that I know. They have phones for emergencies.

TK talks to a man who tells them Iris has been there for a long time. He promises to use the phone Michelle gave him if it looks like she’s packing up. And even when Carlos makes TK sit outside with him in his car a ridiculous amount of time, TK he doesn’t push Carlos to leave. He just sits in the car in dark holding Carlos’s hand.

“I know I’m being stupid,” Carlos says.

TK’s thumb strokes his hand.

“You’re not being stupid. If you tell me to take you home because you need space, I’m going to sit outside your apartment like a creep.”

“I’m not going to do that.” Carlos can’t imagine wanting to be away from TK at all right now. “Thanks for being here.”

“I want to be here,” TK says. “But also, it’s not like I have anything else to do. Though I do feel like I should start pushing in a few hours. I _did_ promise Iris that I’d take care of you, and I think that includes trying to get you to sleep in a bed and go to work tomorrow because I know that’s important to you. I’m not going to tell you what to do because I think it needs to be your decision, but I do agree with Iris that you need to stick with this plan. You’re a lot happier. And I’m sure if I text Michelle, she’ll come take a shift here.”

Carlos nods. Iris is probably sleeping. He can’t sit here forever. He starts the car and drives back to TK’s house where he can curl up in the safety of TK’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos says in the dim light. “You’re hurt and I keep asking you for things and not even giving you anything.”

“Hey. That’s not true,” TK says. “First, this whole thing with Iris is a really difficult situation and I’m glad you called. _Second_ , you give me a lot. You’ve basically done everything for me since I got shot and you’ve cooked for my dad too.”

“I know you and your dad are asking me to cook so you can pay for all my food.”

TK laughs.

“My dad? Maybe. Me? You should not give me that much credit. It’s a dream come true that somehow spoiling me benefits you. If you weren’t here so much, I’d be ordering food and my dad would’ve stayed home with me. I don’t know how you’re talking yourself into thinking you don’t deserve to have me take care of you a little, but it’s not true.”

Carlos _does_ feel better with that reminder, and he doesn’t want to ruin it, so he just turns his head to kiss TK’s chest.


	29. Something grabs a hold of me tightly

Carlos doesn’t have a degree, or any technical experience and he doesn’t type quickly. This means that he spends a lot of time setting up and taking things down for events. He also spends a lot of time carrying things and doing what people tell him. But everyone is nice, no one touches him, and all he has to do is show up to counseling and case meetings.

“You know they don’t fire you if you don’t show up to that stuff,” someone tells him after he agrees that he finds it all awkward. “It goes against their mission or something if they require you to do that stuff before they help you. That’s why the drug test is optional. Because if they don’t do it, you won’t get jobs some places, but they’ll still help you.”

Carlos shakes his head. He’s not sure Grace and Judd would find out if he did that. And if they did find out, he’s not sure they’d say anything to TK. But then he’d feel like he was lying to TK. And he’d be taking advantage of the people helping him, and he doesn’t want to do that. He already feels guilty every single time he spends money on anything he doesn’t need because he doesn’t feel like it’s his money as long as they’re helping him with his bills.

After a week of feeling awkward and bored, he’s been happy to spend his Friday off with TK so that he’s rested for Reveal on Saturday. Now he’s adding Iris into the mix. As awkward as it is, TK will worry if Carlos doesn’t go to the one counseling session that he’s supposed to do every two weeks.

TK goes with him to see Iris on Friday. Carlos thinks about asking Michelle to go with him, but he can’t ask the things he wants to ask with Michelle there. He’s not sure what Michelle knows about how Iris has been surviving.

Iris won’t look at him right away even after she takes the food he brought.

“You told Michelle where I was.”

“She comes out here sometimes to help people,” Carlos says. “But you already knew that.”

“You shouldn’t let her come alone,” Iris tells him for the second time.

Carlos has to fight back the guilt he feels at the accusation.

“She doesn’t let me tell her what to do any more than you did.”

Iris tilts her head like she’s listening to the something, but then she just says, “Maybe, but you don’t listen either.”

Carlos isn’t sure what she’s talking about. That he hasn’t fully quit sex work or that he came to see her.

“I’m kind of a mess without you telling me what to do.”

Iris looks past him at TK.

“You figured something out on your own.”

“It was an accident and I told him to go away twice.”

Iris glares at TK then and Carlos realizes how it sounds.

“Not like that,” Carlos explains. “I got hit in the head and I was bleeding. I was trying to turn down medical care. He just talked me into letting him treat me for free.”

Iris nods easily at that, but then she goes inside her tent and zips it back up to block them out. She won’t let them in again even though Carlos tries to wait her out.

***

**TK:** Don’t worry about me while you’re working. I’m at the station, but I’m just here to see Buttercup.  
 **Carlos:** Reese saw the picture with your dad.  
 **TK:** lol. Do I want to know?  
 **Carlos:** He said, “Oh! Hot daddy! Will TK introduce me?”  
 **Carlos:** I explained that it’s actually your father and his question remains the same.  
 **TK:** I asked my dad. He says thanks for the compliment, but he’s straight.  
 **Carlos:** Reese is not convinced. I told him that he’s not allowed to meet your dad.  
 **TK:** If he dated my dad, he wouldn’t be allowed to make out with you anymore. That’s too weird.  
 **Carlos:** He says it would be worth it. So that’s where making out with me falls on his priorities. I’m making him go downstairs so he can’t keep trying to get me to give him your dad’s phone number.  
 **TK:** Have a good night at work. I’m fine. I’m just making Judd uncomfortable by explaining the different meanings of top and bottom. Because I said Reese would top from the bottom and he thought that just meant a sexual position.  
 **Carlos:** This is why he calls you “an annoying little brat.”  
 **TK:** I’m not little. He’s just giant. 6ft is perfectly normal.

***

**Carlos:** Baby, *I’m* 6ft. We both know you’re rounding up.  
 **TK:** Wow. Normally drunk Carlos is so sweet to me.  
 **Carlos:** I like that you’re smaller. Besides, you always say you like when I’m toppy.  
 **TK:** I spent like an hour explaining to Mateo that being a top had nothing to do with size and being a bottom meant nothing that I should be ashamed of.  
 **Carlos:** True. There’s nothing wrong with your height either. You shouldn’t lie about it. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen just like you are.  
 **TK:** Aww. That’s the drunk Carlos I’m used to.

***

**Carlos:** Okay, I actually stand by everything I said when I was drunk.  
 **TK:** I’m not sure how I feel about that.  
 **Carlos:** I won’t talk about your height with other people, but I maintain that you shouldn’t feel like there’s anything wrong with it.  
 **TK:** Paul says I’ve spent too much time around toxic masculinity in the firehouse.  
 **Carlos:** Paul is probably right.  
 **TK:** Paul’s usually right. It should be more annoying than it is.

***

Carlos is glad his counselor is doing volunteer work and probably hears all kinds of crazy things that are worse than anything he says when he completely unloads everything on her on Thursday. He didn’t think he wanted to talk, but then he started and just kept going. Starting with how guilty he feels knowing that he’s going to need financial help at the end of the month, then moving onto Iris, and ending with how he knows TK is taking too much of his weight because Owen has been staying home more for the past week.

Carlos knows that his counselor isn’t a miracle worker. A lot of his problems are things they’re working on fixing. And Iris? She’s right that there’s only so much he can do. Iris isn’t like him. She has family that would figure out a way to get her some help. But she has to let them. And he can’t control that. And TK is there to help him. And Owen and Grace and Judd and Michelle. He can’t make Iris let people help her, but he can let people help him.

***

**Carlos:** I feel like Judd requested me for one of his made-up jobs at his dad’s house because he found out that they didn’t have anything else for me.  
 **TK:** He says he did that because his dad has refused the last few times he’s tried to do it because he knows exactly what Judd’s doing. But that he said you were someone that he personally wanted to help so his dad caved. So yes, but it’s not exactly just for you.  
 **Carlos:** Okay. It’s not like I’m going to say no.  
 **TK:** He says his dad doesn’t know anything else about you, so you don’t have to worry that he’s judging you. If it makes you feel better, it really is about his dad. They had to take him to the hospital a few weeks ago because he fell, but he’s refused to let them help.

***

Carlos honestly doesn’t know what to expect when he gets to Judd’s dad’s house. Judd isn’t what he expected so maybe his dad won’t be either.

“I could clean this place myself,” Judd’s dad says as soon as he opens the door. “I already did. I only agreed to this because he went on and on about your cooking.”

“I don’t think I’m supposed to cook,” Carlos says. He’s not sure exactly what the rules are, but there’s probably a food safety thing he’s supposed to do before he starts preparing food.

“Well, you’re not cleaning. There’s nothing to do. But I don’t want to get you in no trouble. We both know Judd’s just trying to make things up because I fell once or twice. Like he didn’t fall right through the attic when he was six. Right through the ceiling. Lucky as hell though. Landed right on his brothers bed. Having to share a room with both his brothers until we fixed the ceiling sure made him remember where to step after that.”

Carlos laughs.

“Well, I know he told you he wanted to help out because there wasn’t any work for me. Since he’s playing both of us, can I tell my boyfriend that story? He works with Judd.”

Carlos worries for a second that the boyfriend part will be an issue, but Stuart laughs.

“Oh yeah. I got some pictures you can copy with your phone if you like. Right over there on that shelf.” Stuart points to a bookshelf behind him and sits down on the couch.  
Carlos doesn’t realize that he said _boyfriend_ without thinking about it until he’s bending down to pull out the albums.

***

**Carlos:** Is it a problem if I cook for your dad? He made sure there wasn’t work for me to do because he doesn’t want to encourage you. I don’t think I’m really supposed to prepare food, but I feel bad doing nothing.  
 **Judd:** Yeah, sure. You know I just want someone there. He’s always difficult about it. As long as you stay, it’s fine. Thanks for putting up with him.  
 **Carlos:** He’s easy to put up with.  
 **Judd:** That’s a new one.

***

**TK:** OMG. I’m sending this picture to the group chat. This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.  
 **Carlos:** You’re welcome.

***

“Judd says his dad said you could come back some time. He’s not even cranky about the pictures because that’s never happened before,” TK says after Carlos greets him with a kiss. TK _was_ worried about Judd sending Carlos out to his father’s place. TK hasn’t met Judd’s dad, but he knows that his dad doesn’t like help. He’s heard Judd on the phone with Grace worrying about him.

“It wasn’t that hard. I know my past experiences hanging out with old men are an unfair comparison, but it was really fine,” Carlos gives him a shy smile. “I might have accidentally explained that Judd worked with my boyfriend…and then eventually explained that you weren’t really my boyfriend because I was worried that he’d tell Judd I said that.”

TK is reminding himself that it doesn’t really matter when Carlos steps closer and takes TK’s face in his hands. “He told me I was an idiot. If I love someone, I shouldn’t waste time because I’m scared.”

“You don’t have to,” TK says but Carlos shakes his head.

“He’s right. I’m still scared, but that’s a stupid reason not to call you my boyfriend. If you still want that.”

“I want that,” TK says against his lips. Carlos kisses him and TK sinks into it. On some level everything about this relationship seems crazy. TK hasn’t had a boyfriend that he hasn’t slept with since he was a teenager. But he’s also never felt as loved as he does now. When TK pulls back, he feels like he should be frustrated that they can’t have sex. But he’s too happy to be frustrated. He rests his head on Carlos’s chest and nuzzles his neck.

“I love you too,” TK tells him before he holds back because _he’s_ scared of this thing between them.

Carlos’s fingers thread through his hair, and TK sighs from how good it feels.

“I’m happy,” TK says with a laugh. “When I left New York, I felt like I’d never be happy again. And I knew it was stupid, but I still felt it.”

“It’s not stupid,” Carlos says. His thumb strokes over TK’s cheek as he talks. “I think I forgot what it was like to be happy on purpose so I wouldn’t miss it as much.”

“Did that work?” TK asks.

“No. It just made me scared of letting myself be happy again. _Thankfully_ , my boyfriend was very patient about it.”

“It was mutual,” TK says. “At least you didn’t need to end up in the hospital to figure it out.”

“Maybe,” Carlos says with a laugh. “But I needed an old white man to tell me what to do. That’s way more embarrassing. At least you kept that woman alive until your crew got there. Reese _cannot_ find out about this.”

TK laughs.

“I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is me trying to get this fic posted before the new season starts. There is one more chapter and then a short stand alone that I'll post after.
> 
> I have started writing the Reese/Owen fic. I'm not sure when I will start posting it on Ao3. I've been training for my new position, but on February 1st, I stop training and basically take over. It's going to be a lot of work until late June and I don't like to start posting a fic if I have huge gaps between chapters. If there's a lot of Ao3 interest, I might try, but right now it feels like there isn't so while I like that expanding Reese lets me show another side of the industry, I don't want to put extra work on myself right away. I'll be unemployed for July though so it'll probably pop up then at the latest.


	30. Maybe today you can put the past away

**Judd:** I didn’t ask for you because they didn’t have anything else. My dad kind of asked. He says he just wants your cooking, but I feel like it’s something else.  
**Judd:** He said before that next time I was going to do this, I could send you instead of someone new. Asking for me to send someone like this, maybe he’s not feeling so great and he doesn’t want to say it.  
**Carlos:** You know I have no medical training, right?  
**Judd:** I know. But you have a boyfriend who has time to drop you off and pick you up. Try to bring something heavy to cook with so he has to come inside?  
**Carlos:** Your dad is going to see right through that.  
**Judd:** Probably, but he likes you. He’ll just give me shit later.

***

TK doesn’t even have a car. They decide the most believable plan is for him to borrow Owen’s even though Carlos thinks Stuart will see right through anything they do.

“This is why I don’t let Judd move me out of here,” Stuart says when he opens the door. “I give him an inch to calm his worryin’ and he goes overboard.”

“I wanted to make tamales and there’s a lot to carry?” Carlos says.

“I respect that you didn’t really try to make me believe that sorry excuse.” 

Stuart does back away from the door to let them in.

“ _I_ only agreed to this because I was hoping for more amazing pictures of Judd as a kid. Or stories. I will also take stories,” TK says with a grin.

“From how he talks about you, I _almost_ buy that one. Come on in if you’re coming.”

Carlos is impressed by TK’s ability to loiter. It probably helps that TK isn’t completely lying about wanting all the pictures of Judd as a kid. Or about wanting to steal some of Carlos’s tamales.

Stuart’s coming back from the bathroom when he stumbles. He reaches for the wall and slows his fall fast enough for Carlos to catch him and help him to the couch.

“I’m fine. Just a little dizzy today.”

“Just when you stand or other times?” TK asks. It’s still odd to Carlos sometimes the way he shifts into medic mode as quickly as Michelle.

Stuart starts to answer, but it doesn’t come out right.

***

Stuart’s out of danger by the time Judd gets to the hospital with Grace.

“I knew something was wrong. I knew it.”

“And we got him here in time,” TK says. “He had an idea, too. That’s why he let me stay. He’s stable now. Probably giving everyone hell.”

***

“Judd says to tell you this is why God put you in his path so you can stop feeling you owe him something,” TK says that night when they’re in bed. “And his dad’s already talking about how one stroke doesn’t mean he needs a nurse, so I hope you don’t want to go back to setting up tables for catered events.”

“I’m not qualified for that.”

“I don’t think he’s going to take someone who is. Can’t say I blame him. My dad will give you a very good reference if he asks how good you are at taking care of a whiney patient who just wants to pretend he’s fine. He’s going to have to do without the benefits I had though. Those were just for me.”

***

“If you just don’t want to quit that place, no one’s going to make you. And if this isn’t a job you want, that’s okay. I know how difficult he is,” Judd says when Carlos comes to talk to him about it. “Between me and Grace, we can get out there more and figure something out. _But_ if you want the job, it’s yours. And if only going once a month to keep your contract for a backup like TK says, then it’d be easier for us to have you more. It’s not going to be a quick recovery, and he’s going to insist on doing as much as he can himself, but he can’t. And if he doesn’t need you eventually, well, I’m sure there’s a whole list of people that will need some help if you can put up with Daddy.”

Carlos shrugs.

“I think I need a last shift. I need to clean out my locker anyway. But I can just do Reveal on Saturdays. Maybe get some money saved up,” Carlos says. It doesn’t feel real. “Thank you. I still think you should hire someone more qualified.”

“Well, Daddy’s going to let us do that part time if we let him pay you full time. And to be honest, you’re making a bit less than a professional, so it’s saving us a hell of a lot of money. _And_ since we’re officially hiring you out of the organization, they’re letting us pay into their healthcare program for you.”

Carlos has a feeling that means he also still has to go to the rest of his counseling sessions. But it also means healthcare that he hasn’t had since he was a kid.

“Listen kid. People are meant to help each other. We’re not meant to do everything alone. You get that out of your head because that’s not how we do things around here. Hell, you’re a lot less annoying than your boyfriend and we still keep him around.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew I was coming onto the end of this fic, but it still kind of snuck up on me when it came down to it. I am going to write some extras because there’s scenes I have ideas for that ended up not fitting in. Also, can we take a second to laugh about how somehow the story I wrote about sex work has zero actual sex scenes in it? I can’t actually do that to TK and Carlos. I’m going to write some sex for them in this verse. But this seemed to be where this phase of the story ended for Carlos.
> 
> I gave Carlos a very different journey than I took. In part because I wanted to give him some things I didn’t have. When I worked my last shift at the club, I had no idea it was my last shift. I’d just bought a new bottle of the perfume I bought at work. (Pro tip, smell like candy. Men can’t always tell that they’re really just hungry.) I’d just texted my work wife that I put a new bottle of the makeup we used for pasties in her locker because we always split a bottle. I had a new robe on order from wish because when you get drunk and leave your robes in weird places, you buy them off Wish. I’d been going through a bottle of advanced care Pedialyte a week for months. Before March I’d been working out 20-30 hours a week for seven years to try to fight my body.
> 
> I’m still a little sad I didn’t get to work a last shift with my best work friend. When I cleaned out my locker, I put my backup Red Bull in hers for her to have later. That’s why I wanted to let Carlos have one and quit more slowly. But the truth is, I don’t think I had to mental strength to have left any other way than how it happened.
> 
> I don’t have a Judd, Grace, TK, and Owen. But to be honest, I’ve learned I had much more than that. Between my writing and my friends, I’m going into the New Year with a job that I love that is slowly getting closer to a living wage.


End file.
